THE READING ROOM - All These Years by Angelfish

[jgraeme2007.livejournal.com]

All These Years by Angelfish

You have a photo album – one, which you showed me with a mix of chagrin and disbelief, years ago….And you asked me about my lot, and they stirred in me, as even the driest leaf stirs, as petals and newspaper cuttings do, the whispering dead. They ached and hurt like nerve-ends still firing in an amputated limb, and you saw me go pale, and you said, you don't have to talk about it. And because of that I could, a little. I told you about Kath; as my only sibling, a sliver of the truth. She paints, she's an artist. Lives alone up in Scotland. I think she was married once but... We exchange Christmas cards, sometimes with a letter in them. Sometimes not. You might get to meet her one day, mate. You'd like Kath.

 

CI5 agent Ray Doyle has received what should be an innocuous invitation from his artist sister, who he hasn’t seen in some years, to her first London exhibition.  And with that invitation, Doyle’s carefully constructed world is slowly, but surely, crumbling away. He begins to act increasingly odd -- making tiny, potentially fatal mistakes on the job, apparently wandering all unknowing into a gay pub, and suffering blackouts.

 

 

Title: All These Years
Zine: None
Warnings: rape, child sexual abuse


Angelfish’s third fan fiction is a harrowing and sometimes heartbreaking story of romance and recovery. Her Doyle is a survivor of appalling sexual abuse and incest. He’s suffered serious psychological damage but he’s learned to compensate so well that no one -- not even his partner and best friend -- is aware. In fact, the only person still (sort of) in his life who does know how damaged he is, is his sister Kathie -- also a survior of the same sexual and incestual abuse. Unsurprisingly, Kathie is no model of mental health herself.

 

So you’re probably thinking…wow, cheerful choice, Josh. Thanks!

 

And the first time I read All These Years, I was frankly dismayed. I get squeamish about the lads being too drastically hurt, and the damage here was clearly catastrophic. Doyle functions, but his sanity is barely held together by strings and sealing wax and other fancy stuff. Bodie, on the other hand, is a beautiful creation -- the CI5 version of knight in shining armor.  He’s tough and tender, brave and funny and strong, fiercely protective of his partner of several years. I love the partnership she illustrates -- the friendship that has seen them through good times and bad, a friendship that has slowly turned to love of a different nature while neither was looking.

 

And of course this transitioning love is only making matters worse for Doyle.

 

In the dream, Bodie did not leave. When he stood up beside the bed, it was only to undress, which he did swiftly and in silence. Then the weight of his body came warmly to rest on Doyle's back. To conjure the biology of it, the physical detail of penetration, would have twisted the dream into nightmare and woken him – he had been too used, too degraded, to bear much reality – so his mind simply delivered the upshot: Bodie inside him, comfortably deep. Doyle moaned against the pillow and pushed up. "Fuck me," he whispered, and felt a tidal movement. "Fuck me, Bodie."

He came hard and did not wake up straight away. By the time he did, he was lying in cooling semen and sweat, and the dream flapped brilliant butterfly-wings around him, then because he was on his sanity's knife-edge and could not afford it, folded itself to a two-dimensional greyness, flipped to a single plane and disappeared.

 

Doyle and Bodie attend Kathie’s art exhibition and Bodie, who has reluctantly had to accept that the relationship he would ultimately like with Doyle is simply not possible -- that he must be content with their deep friendship and partnership -- is bowled over by this brilliant artist who has the added attraction of being very like a female version of her younger brother. Kathie is also a wonderful creation. She’s smart and strong and a survivor -- but she’s harder and more manipulative than Doyle. She’s not, by any stretch, a Mary Sue. As a reader I disliked and admired her at the same time.

 

Her green eyes fixed on Ray were as remote from human concern as a mountain-lion's. Jesus, Bodie thought: no wonder he was nervous. This one's big trouble, and as she came stalking through the last of the crowd, he took an unconscious step forward and left to half-shield him with his shoulder. About a yard from where they stood, she halted as if registering his signal but not his presence: her gaze was burningly focused on Doyle.

 

The  characterizations in All These Years are very, very good. Though this Doyle is flirting with a complete breakdown, on the job and in most of the scenes where he interacts with others, he is recognizably Doyle -- tough and efficient and wryly self-aware. He recognizes he’s too damaged to give Bodie what he needs, he fights his jealousy of Bodie’s deepening relationship with Kathie, and he tries to be happy and supportive of the two people he loves best in the world, but as Bodie’s feelings for Kathie deepen and he inevitably withdraws some of his attention and companionship from his partner, Doyle slides closer and closer to the edge.

 

When Bodie and Kath announce their engagement matters reach crisis point.

 

It’s a relatively simple story from a plot standpoint, but the emotional and psychological complexity turn this into something very strong and rather unique. The writing is some of the most beautiful -- even sublime -- I’ve read in the fandom.

 

But Angelfish does have her weaknesses. There is a scene with Ann Holly that feels forced, and another scene with Murphy that seems to come out of nowhere. And typically she rushes endings. Here, in the climactic scene between Doyle and Bodie -- the scene we’ve waded through 230K to get to -- she gives it to us second-hand and abbreviated.

 

The trolley was halfway through the double doors into theatre, Doyle barely conscious from bloodloss and pre-med. The medical staff in attendance were not impressed with Bodie's timing but they were ghosts to him, voiceless, barely visible. Those who dealt with repairs to Cowley's small army on a regular basis were not deeply surprised at the big, pale man's short and unequivocal declaration, nor that it somehow brought Ray Doyle smiling back from the brink.

 

The first time I read it, I howled my outrage.

 

There are some problems with pronouns -- sometimes it’s unclear who’s speaking -- and not everyone will enjoy the omniscient POV (although I personally think it’s appropriate for fan fiction in that mirrors the camera -- and I think she handles it very well). The other problem is her inability to end the story. The final scenes of reconciliation -- the reader pay-off scenes -- are hurried, and then we have three distinct endings. Two of them are gorgeous. One of them feels tacked on -- and taught me to read fan fic endings first. A lesson I firmly adhere to.

 

(As a matter of fact, I chopped the final ending of All These Years off when I printed it out long ago and had pretty much forgotten about it until I started writing this summary and realized that ending might come as a jolt to some of you. So, er, sorry about that!)

 

Despite my initial discomfort, I’ve read this story many, many times. It’s now one of my all-time favorites -- probably within the top five. Funny how that sometimes happens. Anyway, I hope you enjoyed the rec!

 

Comments

[byslantedlight.livejournal.com]

Hiya - quick comm mod comment - could you put the warnings under a cut please, so that people who don't want to be aren't spoilered for the story? Cheers!

[firlefanzine.livejournal.com]

*happy dancing*

I love heavy spoiling! So - I have the day 'snow free' - now I read your rec properly - then the story!

Perfect! :-)

(But I already can agree that it IS sometimes unclear who's speaking, although I normally enjoy omniscient POV.)

[cloudless-9193.livejournal.com]

I fully agree with your summary/rec. Well done. This is one of my favourites, too. :-)

[moth2fic.livejournal.com]

One of my favourites as well! The first time I read it I remember being really impressed by the way Kathie became as real as Bodie and Doyle. Great character development and some good psychological insights into the damage that abuse can cause, even if it's a bit heavy-handed at times. I can read this fic again (not something I do often) finding different aspects to focus on and enjoy. It's quite complex and satisfyingly long. The writing is very assured with brilliant descriptions and lots of tension. I agree with the points in your review, especially in regard to Anne Holly and Murphy,but they don't spoil the story which is altogether worthwhile. I'm glad I'm still online this week and able to comment.

P.S. But I thought this was Wednesday - did I miss a warning about an early start?

[callistosh65.livejournal.com]

This story undoes me. It's one of those ones that scoured my heart out the first time I read it - and I still have to steel myself to reread it. But for all the right reasons really. Because she takes me so fully into this world of a damaged Doyle (she's one of the few who can make him this vulnerable without destroying his masculinity), and a Bodie who is, as you rightly say, absolutely magnificent in his role as lover, agent, and friend.

It's a premise few dare to take on - Bodie in love with Doyle's sister? Engaged to her? But then, that's Angelfish. She's the one who gives them children - dead and alive - wives, teaching jobs in the Hebrides, lovers who die in climbing accidents... It's always a deep breath with her to see where she'll go, but for me it's always worth it.

Though here I agree, neither the Ann Holly or Murphy inclusion work for me. The Murphy scene in particular feels unnecessary. And the ending is intense but a little confusing after the rollercoaster that built up to it.

I do love this, though. I can remember whole chunks of it because it made such a deep impressionon me the first two or three times I read it.

Thanks for reccing this, a great choice and you did it justice.

[gilda-elise.livejournal.com]

I have to admit, I couldn't get into this story at all. I loved her first story but she's gotten a bit...wordy, if you know what I mean. And you asked me about my lot, and they stirred in me, as even the driest leaf stirs, as petals and newspaper cuttings do, the whispering dead. Do people really think like that?

And I'm not big on this sort of, to me, over the top angst. That she then adds a sister who is used as a substitute (can a person really fall in and out of love like that?) only made it worse. It made Bodie seem either shallow or callous.

[sc-fossil.livejournal.com]

Thanks for the story rec.

I agree with almost everything said. Angelfish can drag me into a story, but... There's always something missing. I adore Far Shores about the best of her works. I don't understand how this good writer always manages to add so many unnecessary scenes. Word count maybe? Really, she writes beautifully, but very wordy at times. Painting beautiful pictures with words doesn't make the story better.

I think a good editor could fix these things and tighten up the stories immensely. As a general comment, I often wonder if betas or editors are afraid to hack into a much-loved, long-time (insert fandom here) writer in fear of offense when they would really be helping. Who knows why, in the end.

But I've read Far Shores at least three times. This one I've read twice. The angst actually is okay. The end is thoughtlessly attached. But overall, it's a good read, just not a favourite.

[scherwood]

Thanks for the rec. :)

I began reading this story.. but I just never got into it... I just couldn't understand it... I dunno why... If it's the language, the way Angelfish use the words or something else... *shrug*

Anyway, I'm very picky when it comes to stories, book and... you name it so... :P

[metabolick.livejournal.com]

Angelfish is one of my absolute fave authors in Pros and Far Shore one of my top 3 Pros fics. I think her wordcraft is simply breathtakingly beautiful.

That being said, this is my leave favorite of all her stories. I read it once years ago and haven't returned to it, so I'm writing this from somewhat distant memories. The emotional impact is incredibly intense and the writing beautiful as ever, but I don't like the story line at all. I just don't want to see my Bodie or Doyle in love with another character, particularly a woman. As good an OC Kathie is, too much time is spent on her. I just don't want that in my Pros fic. I can take D's mourning for a dead lover (Chances) a lot easier than I can this situation. I'm not sure about D being able to function in CI5 or as a cop after having endured what he endured. I also found the ending way too rushed, much more so than in her other works, and the scene I most wanted to see missing.

[shooting2kill.livejournal.com]

I think this writer could write about almost anything - Bodie or Doyle waiting for a bus - and I'd love it because I love the way she writes, perhaps even more than what she actually writes *about*. An air of expectancy hangs over her writing, of hope against hope, a kind of breathlessness with the promise of things to come - that something wonderful (or terrible) is about to happen (even when it doesn't). Yes, at times she can write in a flowery kind of way but it doesn’t seem to irritate me in the way that M Fae Glasgow does. I never find Angelfish’s writing tortuous, long-winded or feel that she’s guilty of saying the same thing several times in different ways (like me), if she does then it just passes over my head.

With a few well chosen words she can draw me straight in so that immediately I become a part of her beautiful tableau, sharing the lives of her characters on a beautiful summer's evening:

A warm late-May night, the city breeze tired but sweet. The road to the car park was quiet, and Doyle walked contentedly at Bodie's side

A 'breeze' which is 'tired but sweet' - I love it.

If I force myself to be objective there is one thing I could mention and it’s going to sound ridiculous because to change it would mean altering the whole story but, anyway, logical, I ain't.......…..I'm not sure what it is about Bodie or Doyle which suggests to a writer that one of them was a victim of child sexual abuse and I must admit to finding that particular theme a bit tedious and, strangely, given how difficult it must be to write, a bit easy to fall back on - a bit of a cop-out. (Maybe because it’s been done so many times?). Having said that, the whole thing was redeemed and made different by the presence of Kath, so that was OK and if I have to read about that particular subject I'd rather it was in the deft hands of writers such as Angelfish than anyone else!

Thanks for this rec!