THE READING ROOM - All These Years by Angelfish

[jgraeme2007.livejournal.com]

All These Years by Angelfish

You have a photo album – one, which you showed me with a mix of chagrin and disbelief, years ago….And you asked me about my lot, and they stirred in me, as even the driest leaf stirs, as petals and newspaper cuttings do, the whispering dead. They ached and hurt like nerve-ends still firing in an amputated limb, and you saw me go pale, and you said, you don't have to talk about it. And because of that I could, a little. I told you about Kath; as my only sibling, a sliver of the truth. She paints, she's an artist. Lives alone up in Scotland. I think she was married once but... We exchange Christmas cards, sometimes with a letter in them. Sometimes not. You might get to meet her one day, mate. You'd like Kath.

 

CI5 agent Ray Doyle has received what should be an innocuous invitation from his artist sister, who he hasn’t seen in some years, to her first London exhibition.  And with that invitation, Doyle’s carefully constructed world is slowly, but surely, crumbling away. He begins to act increasingly odd -- making tiny, potentially fatal mistakes on the job, apparently wandering all unknowing into a gay pub, and suffering blackouts.

 

 

Title: All These Years
Zine: None
Warnings: rape, child sexual abuse


Angelfish’s third fan fiction is a harrowing and sometimes heartbreaking story of romance and recovery. Her Doyle is a survivor of appalling sexual abuse and incest. He’s suffered serious psychological damage but he’s learned to compensate so well that no one -- not even his partner and best friend -- is aware. In fact, the only person still (sort of) in his life who does know how damaged he is, is his sister Kathie -- also a survior of the same sexual and incestual abuse. Unsurprisingly, Kathie is no model of mental health herself.

 

So you’re probably thinking…wow, cheerful choice, Josh. Thanks!

 

And the first time I read All These Years, I was frankly dismayed. I get squeamish about the lads being too drastically hurt, and the damage here was clearly catastrophic. Doyle functions, but his sanity is barely held together by strings and sealing wax and other fancy stuff. Bodie, on the other hand, is a beautiful creation -- the CI5 version of knight in shining armor.  He’s tough and tender, brave and funny and strong, fiercely protective of his partner of several years. I love the partnership she illustrates -- the friendship that has seen them through good times and bad, a friendship that has slowly turned to love of a different nature while neither was looking.

 

And of course this transitioning love is only making matters worse for Doyle.

 

In the dream, Bodie did not leave. When he stood up beside the bed, it was only to undress, which he did swiftly and in silence. Then the weight of his body came warmly to rest on Doyle's back. To conjure the biology of it, the physical detail of penetration, would have twisted the dream into nightmare and woken him – he had been too used, too degraded, to bear much reality – so his mind simply delivered the upshot: Bodie inside him, comfortably deep. Doyle moaned against the pillow and pushed up. "Fuck me," he whispered, and felt a tidal movement. "Fuck me, Bodie."

He came hard and did not wake up straight away. By the time he did, he was lying in cooling semen and sweat, and the dream flapped brilliant butterfly-wings around him, then because he was on his sanity's knife-edge and could not afford it, folded itself to a two-dimensional greyness, flipped to a single plane and disappeared.

 

Doyle and Bodie attend Kathie’s art exhibition and Bodie, who has reluctantly had to accept that the relationship he would ultimately like with Doyle is simply not possible -- that he must be content with their deep friendship and partnership -- is bowled over by this brilliant artist who has the added attraction of being very like a female version of her younger brother. Kathie is also a wonderful creation. She’s smart and strong and a survivor -- but she’s harder and more manipulative than Doyle. She’s not, by any stretch, a Mary Sue. As a reader I disliked and admired her at the same time.

 

Her green eyes fixed on Ray were as remote from human concern as a mountain-lion's. Jesus, Bodie thought: no wonder he was nervous. This one's big trouble, and as she came stalking through the last of the crowd, he took an unconscious step forward and left to half-shield him with his shoulder. About a yard from where they stood, she halted as if registering his signal but not his presence: her gaze was burningly focused on Doyle.

 

The  characterizations in All These Years are very, very good. Though this Doyle is flirting with a complete breakdown, on the job and in most of the scenes where he interacts with others, he is recognizably Doyle -- tough and efficient and wryly self-aware. He recognizes he’s too damaged to give Bodie what he needs, he fights his jealousy of Bodie’s deepening relationship with Kathie, and he tries to be happy and supportive of the two people he loves best in the world, but as Bodie’s feelings for Kathie deepen and he inevitably withdraws some of his attention and companionship from his partner, Doyle slides closer and closer to the edge.

 

When Bodie and Kath announce their engagement matters reach crisis point.

 

It’s a relatively simple story from a plot standpoint, but the emotional and psychological complexity turn this into something very strong and rather unique. The writing is some of the most beautiful -- even sublime -- I’ve read in the fandom.

 

But Angelfish does have her weaknesses. There is a scene with Ann Holly that feels forced, and another scene with Murphy that seems to come out of nowhere. And typically she rushes endings. Here, in the climactic scene between Doyle and Bodie -- the scene we’ve waded through 230K to get to -- she gives it to us second-hand and abbreviated.

 

The trolley was halfway through the double doors into theatre, Doyle barely conscious from bloodloss and pre-med. The medical staff in attendance were not impressed with Bodie's timing but they were ghosts to him, voiceless, barely visible. Those who dealt with repairs to Cowley's small army on a regular basis were not deeply surprised at the big, pale man's short and unequivocal declaration, nor that it somehow brought Ray Doyle smiling back from the brink.

 

The first time I read it, I howled my outrage.

 

There are some problems with pronouns -- sometimes it’s unclear who’s speaking -- and not everyone will enjoy the omniscient POV (although I personally think it’s appropriate for fan fiction in that mirrors the camera -- and I think she handles it very well). The other problem is her inability to end the story. The final scenes of reconciliation -- the reader pay-off scenes -- are hurried, and then we have three distinct endings. Two of them are gorgeous. One of them feels tacked on -- and taught me to read fan fic endings first. A lesson I firmly adhere to.

 

(As a matter of fact, I chopped the final ending of All These Years off when I printed it out long ago and had pretty much forgotten about it until I started writing this summary and realized that ending might come as a jolt to some of you. So, er, sorry about that!)

 

Despite my initial discomfort, I’ve read this story many, many times. It’s now one of my all-time favorites -- probably within the top five. Funny how that sometimes happens. Anyway, I hope you enjoyed the rec!

 

Comments

[sc-fossil.livejournal.com]

Thanks for the story rec.

I agree with almost everything said. Angelfish can drag me into a story, but... There's always something missing. I adore Far Shores about the best of her works. I don't understand how this good writer always manages to add so many unnecessary scenes. Word count maybe? Really, she writes beautifully, but very wordy at times. Painting beautiful pictures with words doesn't make the story better.

I think a good editor could fix these things and tighten up the stories immensely. As a general comment, I often wonder if betas or editors are afraid to hack into a much-loved, long-time (insert fandom here) writer in fear of offense when they would really be helping. Who knows why, in the end.

But I've read Far Shores at least three times. This one I've read twice. The angst actually is okay. The end is thoughtlessly attached. But overall, it's a good read, just not a favourite.

[jgraeme2007.livejournal.com]

Thanks for the story rec.

Thanks for reading!

I agree with almost everything said. Angelfish can drag me into a story, but... There's always something missing.

Yes? What?

I adore Far Shores about the best of her works. I don't understand how this good writer always manages to add so many unnecessary scenes.

And leave out some of the most important? *g* Yes, that is very common with authors who work in complete isolation. They're writing strictly and solely for an audience of one. This certainly describes Angelfish's fanfiction -- she writes simply and strictly for herself and had to be persuaded to publish, as I understand.

As for cutting the last scenes short -- rushing to end is a very common failing with writers old and new. I do it myself to the point that I now know my first ending is a just a place-keeping ending and that my real ending won't show up until my final draft. I think a lot of newish writers just go with that relief of having ended.

Word count maybe? Really, she writes beautifully, but very wordy at times. Painting beautiful pictures with words doesn't make the story better.

Because in fan fiction she was writing for her own pleasure, she indulged that delight in words in a way that an editor would typically try to curtail. She does write long naturally, which -- because I love her work -- I enjoy. I do think the focus in her storytelling is occasionally skewed and that more emphasis on the characters and their relationship and less on scenery and light is needed.

I think a good editor could fix these things and tighten up the stories immensely. As a general comment, I often wonder if betas or editors are afraid to hack into a much-loved, long-time (insert fandom here) writer in fear of offense when they would really be helping. Who knows why, in the end.

Not every writer is open to editing -- serious editing, I mean. As I said, Angelfish's fan fiction was very much her personal vision and written for her personal pleasure. Only so much editing would be possible.

But I've read Far Shores at least three times. This one I've read twice. The angst actually is okay. The end is thoughtlessly attached. But overall, it's a good read, just not a favourite.

Far Shores is splendid. Very vivid.

[rosie55.livejournal.com]

I've been enjoying reading the reviews here, sorry I haven't been able to join in - RL has been playing games with us for the last year or so.
So this is hopelessly late but fwiw, "All these years" is not a favourite of mine, though I see that it is powerful stuff. I read it a couple of years ago and have not read it again until this rec but find I still don't enjoy it. This Doyle is just too damaged for me, in such a way that I find it difficult to imagine that he will ever be able to sustain a real relationship with anyone, not even Bodie. And we do want to finish any story with that hope, I think. And Bodie is too perfectly able to cope with both damaged Doyle and damaged Kathie, let alone the two together.
"Far shores" is another matter, I love it, have read it several\times and it pulls me every time. And the Bodie and Doyle there I can fit in with my lads, and there is the glorious transporting writing which conjures up that Scottish island so vividly.
And just after reading the mentions above, I happened across some photographs here ( http://www.flickr.com/photos/rich_parker/sets/72157623303657330/ ) on Flickr of this year's Up Helly Aa Festival which gave me another vivid set of images to go with the story. Just thought you might find them interesting too!
Heat Trace is another one I can re-read and be caught up each time. I think the description of Doyle's downward spiral into depression and his close run thing with suicide is one of the most graphic and yes - Josh's word 'chilling' is spot on - description of utter despair that I have ever read.
Better late than never, I hope.

[metabolick.livejournal.com]

We certainly do share reading tastes! Far Shore is one of my all-time fave Pros fics. Those night-time images in the slide show are perfect for illustrating the story. Thank you so much for sharing that link.

I also enjoy Heat Trace immensely.

[jgraeme2007.livejournal.com]

I also enjoy Heat Trace immensely.


There's a story that might inspire some energetic discussion!

[jgraeme2007.livejournal.com]

I've been enjoying reading the reviews here, sorry I haven't been able to join in - RL has been playing games with us for the last year or so.

Ah! So frustrating.

So this is hopelessly late but fwiw, "All these years" is not a favourite of mine, though I see that it is powerful stuff. I read it a couple of years ago and have not read it again until this rec but find I still don't enjoy it. This Doyle is just too damaged for me, in such a way that I find it difficult to imagine that he will ever be able to sustain a real relationship with anyone, not even Bodie. And we do want to finish any story with that hope, I think. And Bodie is too perfectly able to cope with both damaged Doyle and damaged Kathie, let alone the two together.

*g* But I love this perfect Bodie.


"Far shores" is another matter, I love it, have read it several\times and it pulls me every time. And the Bodie and Doyle there I can fit in with my lads, and there is the glorious transporting writing which conjures up that Scottish island so vividly.

Yes, she does a lovely job with it.

And just after reading the mentions above, I happened across some photographs here ( http://www.flickr.com/photos/rich_parke r/sets/72157623303657330/ ) on Flickr of this year's Up Helly Aa Festival which gave me another vivid set of images to go with the story. Just thought you might find them interesting too!

Thanks! Those are amazing.

Heat Trace is another one I can re-read and be caught up each time. I think the description of Doyle's downward spiral into depression and his close run thing with suicide is one of the most graphic and yes - Josh's word 'chilling' is spot on - description of utter despair that I have ever read.

It's funny because some of the stories that have my all time favorite bits are not as a whole my favorite story -- so it redefines the idea of a favorite story!

Better late than never, I hope.

Not at all. Thanks for joining in!