THE READING ROOM - All These Years by Angelfish

[jgraeme2007.livejournal.com]

All These Years by Angelfish

You have a photo album – one, which you showed me with a mix of chagrin and disbelief, years ago….And you asked me about my lot, and they stirred in me, as even the driest leaf stirs, as petals and newspaper cuttings do, the whispering dead. They ached and hurt like nerve-ends still firing in an amputated limb, and you saw me go pale, and you said, you don't have to talk about it. And because of that I could, a little. I told you about Kath; as my only sibling, a sliver of the truth. She paints, she's an artist. Lives alone up in Scotland. I think she was married once but... We exchange Christmas cards, sometimes with a letter in them. Sometimes not. You might get to meet her one day, mate. You'd like Kath.

 

CI5 agent Ray Doyle has received what should be an innocuous invitation from his artist sister, who he hasn’t seen in some years, to her first London exhibition.  And with that invitation, Doyle’s carefully constructed world is slowly, but surely, crumbling away. He begins to act increasingly odd -- making tiny, potentially fatal mistakes on the job, apparently wandering all unknowing into a gay pub, and suffering blackouts.

 

 

Title: All These Years
Zine: None
Warnings: rape, child sexual abuse


Angelfish’s third fan fiction is a harrowing and sometimes heartbreaking story of romance and recovery. Her Doyle is a survivor of appalling sexual abuse and incest. He’s suffered serious psychological damage but he’s learned to compensate so well that no one -- not even his partner and best friend -- is aware. In fact, the only person still (sort of) in his life who does know how damaged he is, is his sister Kathie -- also a survior of the same sexual and incestual abuse. Unsurprisingly, Kathie is no model of mental health herself.

 

So you’re probably thinking…wow, cheerful choice, Josh. Thanks!

 

And the first time I read All These Years, I was frankly dismayed. I get squeamish about the lads being too drastically hurt, and the damage here was clearly catastrophic. Doyle functions, but his sanity is barely held together by strings and sealing wax and other fancy stuff. Bodie, on the other hand, is a beautiful creation -- the CI5 version of knight in shining armor.  He’s tough and tender, brave and funny and strong, fiercely protective of his partner of several years. I love the partnership she illustrates -- the friendship that has seen them through good times and bad, a friendship that has slowly turned to love of a different nature while neither was looking.

 

And of course this transitioning love is only making matters worse for Doyle.

 

In the dream, Bodie did not leave. When he stood up beside the bed, it was only to undress, which he did swiftly and in silence. Then the weight of his body came warmly to rest on Doyle's back. To conjure the biology of it, the physical detail of penetration, would have twisted the dream into nightmare and woken him – he had been too used, too degraded, to bear much reality – so his mind simply delivered the upshot: Bodie inside him, comfortably deep. Doyle moaned against the pillow and pushed up. "Fuck me," he whispered, and felt a tidal movement. "Fuck me, Bodie."

He came hard and did not wake up straight away. By the time he did, he was lying in cooling semen and sweat, and the dream flapped brilliant butterfly-wings around him, then because he was on his sanity's knife-edge and could not afford it, folded itself to a two-dimensional greyness, flipped to a single plane and disappeared.

 

Doyle and Bodie attend Kathie’s art exhibition and Bodie, who has reluctantly had to accept that the relationship he would ultimately like with Doyle is simply not possible -- that he must be content with their deep friendship and partnership -- is bowled over by this brilliant artist who has the added attraction of being very like a female version of her younger brother. Kathie is also a wonderful creation. She’s smart and strong and a survivor -- but she’s harder and more manipulative than Doyle. She’s not, by any stretch, a Mary Sue. As a reader I disliked and admired her at the same time.

 

Her green eyes fixed on Ray were as remote from human concern as a mountain-lion's. Jesus, Bodie thought: no wonder he was nervous. This one's big trouble, and as she came stalking through the last of the crowd, he took an unconscious step forward and left to half-shield him with his shoulder. About a yard from where they stood, she halted as if registering his signal but not his presence: her gaze was burningly focused on Doyle.

 

The  characterizations in All These Years are very, very good. Though this Doyle is flirting with a complete breakdown, on the job and in most of the scenes where he interacts with others, he is recognizably Doyle -- tough and efficient and wryly self-aware. He recognizes he’s too damaged to give Bodie what he needs, he fights his jealousy of Bodie’s deepening relationship with Kathie, and he tries to be happy and supportive of the two people he loves best in the world, but as Bodie’s feelings for Kathie deepen and he inevitably withdraws some of his attention and companionship from his partner, Doyle slides closer and closer to the edge.

 

When Bodie and Kath announce their engagement matters reach crisis point.

 

It’s a relatively simple story from a plot standpoint, but the emotional and psychological complexity turn this into something very strong and rather unique. The writing is some of the most beautiful -- even sublime -- I’ve read in the fandom.

 

But Angelfish does have her weaknesses. There is a scene with Ann Holly that feels forced, and another scene with Murphy that seems to come out of nowhere. And typically she rushes endings. Here, in the climactic scene between Doyle and Bodie -- the scene we’ve waded through 230K to get to -- she gives it to us second-hand and abbreviated.

 

The trolley was halfway through the double doors into theatre, Doyle barely conscious from bloodloss and pre-med. The medical staff in attendance were not impressed with Bodie's timing but they were ghosts to him, voiceless, barely visible. Those who dealt with repairs to Cowley's small army on a regular basis were not deeply surprised at the big, pale man's short and unequivocal declaration, nor that it somehow brought Ray Doyle smiling back from the brink.

 

The first time I read it, I howled my outrage.

 

There are some problems with pronouns -- sometimes it’s unclear who’s speaking -- and not everyone will enjoy the omniscient POV (although I personally think it’s appropriate for fan fiction in that mirrors the camera -- and I think she handles it very well). The other problem is her inability to end the story. The final scenes of reconciliation -- the reader pay-off scenes -- are hurried, and then we have three distinct endings. Two of them are gorgeous. One of them feels tacked on -- and taught me to read fan fic endings first. A lesson I firmly adhere to.

 

(As a matter of fact, I chopped the final ending of All These Years off when I printed it out long ago and had pretty much forgotten about it until I started writing this summary and realized that ending might come as a jolt to some of you. So, er, sorry about that!)

 

Despite my initial discomfort, I’ve read this story many, many times. It’s now one of my all-time favorites -- probably within the top five. Funny how that sometimes happens. Anyway, I hope you enjoyed the rec!

 

Comments

[firlefanzine.livejournal.com]

*happy dancing*

I love heavy spoiling! So - I have the day 'snow free' - now I read your rec properly - then the story!

Perfect! :-)

(But I already can agree that it IS sometimes unclear who's speaking, although I normally enjoy omniscient POV.)

[jgraeme2007.livejournal.com]

*happy dancing*

I love heavy spoiling! So - I have the day 'snow free' - now I read your rec properly - then the story!

Hanging my head in shame. I do think spoilers are inevitable in serious review or discussion of a story, but I did intent to have them under the cut. I forgot about the warning.

Perfect! :-)

(But I already can agree that it IS sometimes unclear who's speaking, although I normally enjoy omniscient POV.)

Other than the minimal and sometimes confusing lack of names, she does a nice job with it -- but then I am partial to it (when it's done well).

[firlefanzine.livejournal.com]

"Hanging my head in shame."
But not because of me???
I've told you that I like it. Really! And of course are spoilers inevitable for a discussion.
- and I'm always for warnings!

[jgraeme2007.livejournal.com]

But not because of me???

No, just my own forgetfulness.

Endings...

[firlefanzine.livejournal.com]

Finally finished it.

And what the hell is that ending for?
I really can 'see' the author 'thinking': 'What? Feeling comfortable with the fic at last? There is something I can do about it...'

LOL! But what an idea to exclude the end when you print the story! :-)
But anyway there is always that gnawing knowledge that the author had other plans.
And therefore I prefer to say: They are good, they survived other ops, they will survive!
There is this German proverb that says that 'damaged goods last longest'. So... ;-)

And right at the moment there is a discussion at PROSfanfic (are you still a member Josh...? ;-)) about selective perception of open endings...

I agree with 'reading ends first'.

The rest of the story I enjoyed, and wil definitely read it again!
I agree with Murphy, wheras Ann wasn't such a problem for me. Maybe it should show how others were aware of the relationship between Bodie and Doyle.

I (dis)like Kath. Ahem... Haven't decided yet, must think about it...
(the visit is there, must stop now...)

Re: Endings...

[jgraeme2007.livejournal.com]

Love the icon.

And what the hell is that ending for?
I really can 'see' the author 'thinking': 'What? Feeling comfortable with the fic at last? There is something I can do about it...'

LOL. Well, there was a time when she simply couldn't see them surviving into old age -- but that's happily changed now.

LOL! But what an idea to exclude the end when you print the story! :-)
But anyway there is always that gnawing knowledge that the author had other plans.

I've read it without the ending for so long, I'd completely forgotten it. So slowly but surely my will has prevailed. *g*

And therefore I prefer to say: They are good, they survived other ops, they will survive!

And this is absolutely the truth. They are the best. It is THEIR show. They will survive. *g*

There is this German proverb that says that 'damaged goods last longest'. So... ;-)

Now that's a very intereting proverb.

And right at the moment there is a discussion at PROSfanfic (are you still a member Josh...? ;-)) about selective perception of open endings...

No. Well, technically, yes. But I've never gone back.

I agree with 'reading ends first'.

It's one thing if I'm evaluating or critiquing something -- then I use a different part of my brain. But I read Pros strictly for relaxation, and so I want to control the ride.

The rest of the story I enjoyed, and wil definitely read it again!
I agree with Murphy, wheras Ann wasn't such a problem for me. Maybe it should show how others were aware of the relationship between Bodie and Doyle.

Yes, Maybe. I think it falls dangerously close to the no-one-can-resist-Doyle trope, plus it's too episodic with bam, bam, bam blows on poor Doyle's cracking psyche.

I (dis)like Kath. Ahem... Haven't decided yet, must think about it...
(the visit is there, must stop now...)

She's vividly drawn -- seems very real to me.

Re: Endings...

[firlefanzine.livejournal.com]

"No. Well, technically, yes. But I've never gone back.
Well. Obviously it's impossible to change certain people... Sigh!
But The Automated Hatstand for example is stubborn as well... No gen fics allowed. You have to call it pre slash or at least pair Macklin with Murphy...

About Kath... She knows what Bodie means to Doyle, but nonetheless she dates Bodie and even says 'Yes!'. ALTHOUGH she knows that he doesn't love Bodie and that she is not yet ready for a partnership.
She ist quite manipulative.
At the other hand she is not boring or dumb. She knows how to shoot a terrorist..., and she knows when it's time to go.
So... Yes, I think I like her! :-)

Thank you for that rec! Again something I would have avoided...