THE READING ROOM - All These Years by Angelfish

[jgraeme2007.livejournal.com]

All These Years by Angelfish

You have a photo album – one, which you showed me with a mix of chagrin and disbelief, years ago….And you asked me about my lot, and they stirred in me, as even the driest leaf stirs, as petals and newspaper cuttings do, the whispering dead. They ached and hurt like nerve-ends still firing in an amputated limb, and you saw me go pale, and you said, you don't have to talk about it. And because of that I could, a little. I told you about Kath; as my only sibling, a sliver of the truth. She paints, she's an artist. Lives alone up in Scotland. I think she was married once but... We exchange Christmas cards, sometimes with a letter in them. Sometimes not. You might get to meet her one day, mate. You'd like Kath.

 

CI5 agent Ray Doyle has received what should be an innocuous invitation from his artist sister, who he hasn’t seen in some years, to her first London exhibition.  And with that invitation, Doyle’s carefully constructed world is slowly, but surely, crumbling away. He begins to act increasingly odd -- making tiny, potentially fatal mistakes on the job, apparently wandering all unknowing into a gay pub, and suffering blackouts.

 

 

Title: All These Years
Zine: None
Warnings: rape, child sexual abuse


Angelfish’s third fan fiction is a harrowing and sometimes heartbreaking story of romance and recovery. Her Doyle is a survivor of appalling sexual abuse and incest. He’s suffered serious psychological damage but he’s learned to compensate so well that no one -- not even his partner and best friend -- is aware. In fact, the only person still (sort of) in his life who does know how damaged he is, is his sister Kathie -- also a survior of the same sexual and incestual abuse. Unsurprisingly, Kathie is no model of mental health herself.

 

So you’re probably thinking…wow, cheerful choice, Josh. Thanks!

 

And the first time I read All These Years, I was frankly dismayed. I get squeamish about the lads being too drastically hurt, and the damage here was clearly catastrophic. Doyle functions, but his sanity is barely held together by strings and sealing wax and other fancy stuff. Bodie, on the other hand, is a beautiful creation -- the CI5 version of knight in shining armor.  He’s tough and tender, brave and funny and strong, fiercely protective of his partner of several years. I love the partnership she illustrates -- the friendship that has seen them through good times and bad, a friendship that has slowly turned to love of a different nature while neither was looking.

 

And of course this transitioning love is only making matters worse for Doyle.

 

In the dream, Bodie did not leave. When he stood up beside the bed, it was only to undress, which he did swiftly and in silence. Then the weight of his body came warmly to rest on Doyle's back. To conjure the biology of it, the physical detail of penetration, would have twisted the dream into nightmare and woken him – he had been too used, too degraded, to bear much reality – so his mind simply delivered the upshot: Bodie inside him, comfortably deep. Doyle moaned against the pillow and pushed up. "Fuck me," he whispered, and felt a tidal movement. "Fuck me, Bodie."

He came hard and did not wake up straight away. By the time he did, he was lying in cooling semen and sweat, and the dream flapped brilliant butterfly-wings around him, then because he was on his sanity's knife-edge and could not afford it, folded itself to a two-dimensional greyness, flipped to a single plane and disappeared.

 

Doyle and Bodie attend Kathie’s art exhibition and Bodie, who has reluctantly had to accept that the relationship he would ultimately like with Doyle is simply not possible -- that he must be content with their deep friendship and partnership -- is bowled over by this brilliant artist who has the added attraction of being very like a female version of her younger brother. Kathie is also a wonderful creation. She’s smart and strong and a survivor -- but she’s harder and more manipulative than Doyle. She’s not, by any stretch, a Mary Sue. As a reader I disliked and admired her at the same time.

 

Her green eyes fixed on Ray were as remote from human concern as a mountain-lion's. Jesus, Bodie thought: no wonder he was nervous. This one's big trouble, and as she came stalking through the last of the crowd, he took an unconscious step forward and left to half-shield him with his shoulder. About a yard from where they stood, she halted as if registering his signal but not his presence: her gaze was burningly focused on Doyle.

 

The  characterizations in All These Years are very, very good. Though this Doyle is flirting with a complete breakdown, on the job and in most of the scenes where he interacts with others, he is recognizably Doyle -- tough and efficient and wryly self-aware. He recognizes he’s too damaged to give Bodie what he needs, he fights his jealousy of Bodie’s deepening relationship with Kathie, and he tries to be happy and supportive of the two people he loves best in the world, but as Bodie’s feelings for Kathie deepen and he inevitably withdraws some of his attention and companionship from his partner, Doyle slides closer and closer to the edge.

 

When Bodie and Kath announce their engagement matters reach crisis point.

 

It’s a relatively simple story from a plot standpoint, but the emotional and psychological complexity turn this into something very strong and rather unique. The writing is some of the most beautiful -- even sublime -- I’ve read in the fandom.

 

But Angelfish does have her weaknesses. There is a scene with Ann Holly that feels forced, and another scene with Murphy that seems to come out of nowhere. And typically she rushes endings. Here, in the climactic scene between Doyle and Bodie -- the scene we’ve waded through 230K to get to -- she gives it to us second-hand and abbreviated.

 

The trolley was halfway through the double doors into theatre, Doyle barely conscious from bloodloss and pre-med. The medical staff in attendance were not impressed with Bodie's timing but they were ghosts to him, voiceless, barely visible. Those who dealt with repairs to Cowley's small army on a regular basis were not deeply surprised at the big, pale man's short and unequivocal declaration, nor that it somehow brought Ray Doyle smiling back from the brink.

 

The first time I read it, I howled my outrage.

 

There are some problems with pronouns -- sometimes it’s unclear who’s speaking -- and not everyone will enjoy the omniscient POV (although I personally think it’s appropriate for fan fiction in that mirrors the camera -- and I think she handles it very well). The other problem is her inability to end the story. The final scenes of reconciliation -- the reader pay-off scenes -- are hurried, and then we have three distinct endings. Two of them are gorgeous. One of them feels tacked on -- and taught me to read fan fic endings first. A lesson I firmly adhere to.

 

(As a matter of fact, I chopped the final ending of All These Years off when I printed it out long ago and had pretty much forgotten about it until I started writing this summary and realized that ending might come as a jolt to some of you. So, er, sorry about that!)

 

Despite my initial discomfort, I’ve read this story many, many times. It’s now one of my all-time favorites -- probably within the top five. Funny how that sometimes happens. Anyway, I hope you enjoyed the rec!

 

Comments

[byslantedlight.livejournal.com]

Hiya - quick comm mod comment - could you put the warnings under a cut please, so that people who don't want to be aren't spoilered for the story? Cheers!

[firlefanzine.livejournal.com]

*happy dancing*

I love heavy spoiling! So - I have the day 'snow free' - now I read your rec properly - then the story!

Perfect! :-)

(But I already can agree that it IS sometimes unclear who's speaking, although I normally enjoy omniscient POV.)

[firlefanzine.livejournal.com]

Ahem... my comment wasn't meant to contradict yours! I had the answering window already open for a while, so I haven't seen your 'mod hat'.
Of course, nobody who doesn't want to share the discussion, should be 'forced' to see the warning.

[byslantedlight.livejournal.com]

Ah, I didn't see your comment until just now, I went away to do other morning-things as soon as I posted!

You know where to find the spoilers here though, right? Under the cut etc - so you can be as heavily spoiled as you like, as long as (as you say *g*) it's not forced on others!

Unfortunately it really is being forced on them at the moment...

[cloudless-9193.livejournal.com]

I fully agree with your summary/rec. Well done. This is one of my favourites, too. :-)

[moth2fic.livejournal.com]

One of my favourites as well! The first time I read it I remember being really impressed by the way Kathie became as real as Bodie and Doyle. Great character development and some good psychological insights into the damage that abuse can cause, even if it's a bit heavy-handed at times. I can read this fic again (not something I do often) finding different aspects to focus on and enjoy. It's quite complex and satisfyingly long. The writing is very assured with brilliant descriptions and lots of tension. I agree with the points in your review, especially in regard to Anne Holly and Murphy,but they don't spoil the story which is altogether worthwhile. I'm glad I'm still online this week and able to comment.

P.S. But I thought this was Wednesday - did I miss a warning about an early start?

[callistosh65.livejournal.com]

This story undoes me. It's one of those ones that scoured my heart out the first time I read it - and I still have to steel myself to reread it. But for all the right reasons really. Because she takes me so fully into this world of a damaged Doyle (she's one of the few who can make him this vulnerable without destroying his masculinity), and a Bodie who is, as you rightly say, absolutely magnificent in his role as lover, agent, and friend.

It's a premise few dare to take on - Bodie in love with Doyle's sister? Engaged to her? But then, that's Angelfish. She's the one who gives them children - dead and alive - wives, teaching jobs in the Hebrides, lovers who die in climbing accidents... It's always a deep breath with her to see where she'll go, but for me it's always worth it.

Though here I agree, neither the Ann Holly or Murphy inclusion work for me. The Murphy scene in particular feels unnecessary. And the ending is intense but a little confusing after the rollercoaster that built up to it.

I do love this, though. I can remember whole chunks of it because it made such a deep impressionon me the first two or three times I read it.

Thanks for reccing this, a great choice and you did it justice.

[gilda-elise.livejournal.com]

I have to admit, I couldn't get into this story at all. I loved her first story but she's gotten a bit...wordy, if you know what I mean. And you asked me about my lot, and they stirred in me, as even the driest leaf stirs, as petals and newspaper cuttings do, the whispering dead. Do people really think like that?

And I'm not big on this sort of, to me, over the top angst. That she then adds a sister who is used as a substitute (can a person really fall in and out of love like that?) only made it worse. It made Bodie seem either shallow or callous.

[byslantedlight.livejournal.com]

Yeah, I'm sorry to say that I agree with this. I liked her first two stories immensely, but I was a bit gobsmacked after this one - everything seemed so much more unlikely, somehow melodramatic and over the top. Couched in pretty words, yes, but - and to go a little bit further than your comment about the driest leaves stirring etc - would the lads think like that?

Obviously some people are perfectly happy with the characterisation, but while it's interesting enough in itself, I don't really see either of the lads from the eps here, and it seems unlikely to me that either would have survived such heavy emotional baggage as is portrayed to work successfully (ie, not fall asleep in trauma/fall apart in trauma/blackout etc on the job and get themselves killed) in CI5... I wanted to buy it all, but... just couldn't...

[sc-fossil.livejournal.com]

Thanks for the story rec.

I agree with almost everything said. Angelfish can drag me into a story, but... There's always something missing. I adore Far Shores about the best of her works. I don't understand how this good writer always manages to add so many unnecessary scenes. Word count maybe? Really, she writes beautifully, but very wordy at times. Painting beautiful pictures with words doesn't make the story better.

I think a good editor could fix these things and tighten up the stories immensely. As a general comment, I often wonder if betas or editors are afraid to hack into a much-loved, long-time (insert fandom here) writer in fear of offense when they would really be helping. Who knows why, in the end.

But I've read Far Shores at least three times. This one I've read twice. The angst actually is okay. The end is thoughtlessly attached. But overall, it's a good read, just not a favourite.

[jgraeme2007.livejournal.com]

*happy dancing*

I love heavy spoiling! So - I have the day 'snow free' - now I read your rec properly - then the story!

Hanging my head in shame. I do think spoilers are inevitable in serious review or discussion of a story, but I did intent to have them under the cut. I forgot about the warning.

Perfect! :-)

(But I already can agree that it IS sometimes unclear who's speaking, although I normally enjoy omniscient POV.)

Other than the minimal and sometimes confusing lack of names, she does a nice job with it -- but then I am partial to it (when it's done well).

[jgraeme2007.livejournal.com]

I have to admit, I couldn't get into this story at all. I loved her first story but she's gotten a bit...wordy, if you know what I mean. And you asked me about my lot, and they stirred in me, as even the driest leaf stirs, as petals and newspaper cuttings do, the whispering dead. Do people really think like that?


Certainly not, Doyle, I agree! *g* But aside from that unlikely first person bit, I think the rest of the poetic flight is lovely.

Summer, and the sycamores in full leaf in all the dusty squares. The heat of the air made a virtue, a pleasant change, of Doyle's shot-out windshield, and he tore grinning down the Southwark side street to the pickup point where his partner was waiting in the road, affectedly ignoring his approach. Doyle stopped the statutory three inches off his right kneecap. "Oh, it's you," Bodie said when the screech of brakes and tyres had died, examining the jagged hole. "Someone been shooting at you, old son?"

That intro always makes me smile -- we see similar moments of dangerous fooling in canon -- and the dusty scent of sycamores makes it pop alive.

[jgraeme2007.livejournal.com]

Obviously some people are perfectly happy with the characterisation, but while it's interesting enough in itself, I don't really see either of the lads from the eps here, and it seems unlikely to me that either would have survived such heavy emotional baggage as is portrayed to work successfully (ie, not fall asleep in trauma/fall apart in trauma/blackout etc on the job and get themselves killed) in CI5... I wanted to buy it all, but... just couldn't...

This is one of the things very interesting to me -- both about fan fiction and maybe my own experience with it. On my first reading of the story, everything from the flowery language to the emotional damage Doyle had sustained really bothered me. As you say, how could he possibly function in CI5 like that? Could those cracks in his pysche possibly be healed enough for him to be one of CI5's best? (And to that, I think yes -- people have a great gift for hiding the truth from themselves and for suriving and even thriving without it).

But I did admire the writing very much, and I was so emotionally gripped (even while mentally arguing against her character reading of Doyle) that I had to read it in pieces. It felt so disturbing and intense. I was irritated and I was moved -- I wouldn't even think that combo was possible. *g*

On subsequent readings -- or maybe as I became more relaxed about AUs and different portrayals of the lads -- I was able to buy into the story dynamics. I could believe, at least for the space of this story, in this particular Doyle (for me, her Bodie is right on target). And I was able to go along with this idea that until Kathie's invitation, until he became aware that Bodie loved him, Doyle was okay. Once Kathie returned, forcing him to confront old memories -- and his own desire for Bodie put him in conflict with the harm that had been done to him -- he began to unravel (blackouts, etc).

I suppose part of this is the willingness to believe. Because I've read other stories where Doyle has been abused -- even from quite good writers -- and they never convinced me, nor moved me. I do not see that in Doyle of canon. At all. Yet for some reason, Angelfish convinced me to go along with it in this story.

[scherwood]

Thanks for the rec. :)

I began reading this story.. but I just never got into it... I just couldn't understand it... I dunno why... If it's the language, the way Angelfish use the words or something else... *shrug*

Anyway, I'm very picky when it comes to stories, book and... you name it so... :P

[moth2fic.livejournal.com]

I think that's because the author builds up a detailed picture of the kind of mental trauma that abuse can cause, where the victim hides the cracks from themselves and, as you point out, can function extremely well until forced to face the problem. In fact, the victim not only can function well but can possibly do a really great job of working somewhere where it is necesary at times to disassociate himself from the results of his work. That's why, in this story, it works for me. Doyle is far more liely to succeed in CI5 than Kathie is in art where she has to confront her feelings. And even so, she manages it, perhaps by using them, and the fall-out hits her personal life! Interesting and perceptive use of psychology. In 'worst case' scenarios victims of abuse sometimes compartmentalise their lives and memories so cleverly that they can't/won't remember what happened - and get very good at deceiving themselves. Note that I am talking about real memories and not the 'false memory' syndrome which has bedevilled the whole issue but which arose from the real memory suppression sometimes arising from trauma.

[jgraeme2007.livejournal.com]

Thanks for the story rec.

Thanks for reading!

I agree with almost everything said. Angelfish can drag me into a story, but... There's always something missing.

Yes? What?

I adore Far Shores about the best of her works. I don't understand how this good writer always manages to add so many unnecessary scenes.

And leave out some of the most important? *g* Yes, that is very common with authors who work in complete isolation. They're writing strictly and solely for an audience of one. This certainly describes Angelfish's fanfiction -- she writes simply and strictly for herself and had to be persuaded to publish, as I understand.

As for cutting the last scenes short -- rushing to end is a very common failing with writers old and new. I do it myself to the point that I now know my first ending is a just a place-keeping ending and that my real ending won't show up until my final draft. I think a lot of newish writers just go with that relief of having ended.

Word count maybe? Really, she writes beautifully, but very wordy at times. Painting beautiful pictures with words doesn't make the story better.

Because in fan fiction she was writing for her own pleasure, she indulged that delight in words in a way that an editor would typically try to curtail. She does write long naturally, which -- because I love her work -- I enjoy. I do think the focus in her storytelling is occasionally skewed and that more emphasis on the characters and their relationship and less on scenery and light is needed.

I think a good editor could fix these things and tighten up the stories immensely. As a general comment, I often wonder if betas or editors are afraid to hack into a much-loved, long-time (insert fandom here) writer in fear of offense when they would really be helping. Who knows why, in the end.

Not every writer is open to editing -- serious editing, I mean. As I said, Angelfish's fan fiction was very much her personal vision and written for her personal pleasure. Only so much editing would be possible.

But I've read Far Shores at least three times. This one I've read twice. The angst actually is okay. The end is thoughtlessly attached. But overall, it's a good read, just not a favourite.

Far Shores is splendid. Very vivid.

[jgraeme2007.livejournal.com]

Sorry again about that!

[jgraeme2007.livejournal.com]

I fully agree with your summary/rec. Well done. This is one of my favourites, too. :-)

So glad you enjoyed it! Thanks for reading.

[jgraeme2007.livejournal.com]

One of my favourites as well! The first time I read it I remember being really impressed by the way Kathie became as real as Bodie and Doyle. Great character development and some good psychological insights into the damage that abuse can cause

She's meticulous about her research, which is another thing I appreciate in a writer.

even if it's a bit heavy-handed at times. I can read this fic again (not something I do often) finding different aspects to focus on and enjoy.

For me as well. The sex scenes are lovely -- lyrical and sensual. The actiony on-the-job scenes are done well too. You don't often get that combo.

It's quite complex and satisfyingly long. The writing is very assured with brilliant descriptions and lots of tension. I agree with the points in your review, especially in regard to Anne Holly and Murphy,but they don't spoil the story which is altogether worthwhile. I'm glad I'm still online this week and able to comment.

Yes, she doesn't shy away from pain. It's actually the emotional pay-off where she backs off a little too much for my taste.

P.S. But I thought this was Wednesday - did I miss a warning about an early start? </em. Yes. And that's because I totally lost track of what day it was. I can't tell you how relieved I am to find I have an extra day in my week! *g*

[byslantedlight.livejournal.com]

Yeah, I've read it a few times, because I really do want to like it more than I do, and I agree that the writing's good, and powerful and there's a nice build up of atmosphere and emotion and so on - it just doesn't seem like the lads somehow... I'd probably need to read it again to put my finger more firmly on why (it's probably a bit unfair of me to have joined in the discussion when I've not had a chance to read it recently), but...

I can absolutely go along with the idea that Doyle was somehow abused as a youngster - that temper of his comes from somewhere (although of course it doesn't necessarily follow!) - but... it's something about the way it manifests, or the way he handles it or soemthing... But we all have our own readings of the lads, so what's true to one person is bound to seem wrong to another, and I guess that's what's happening here...

I think my ultimate Doyle-psychologically-damaged story is probably Heat-Trace, which I think is brilliantly done - and even though it's actually an AU I think HR has captured Doyle and what his reactions would be all the way... The sense of heavy melancholy and foreboding that runs through it works better for me than Angelfish's verging-on-melodrama atmosphere too - absolutely as powerful, but somehow not so over the top to me...

[byslantedlight.livejournal.com]

I know that the abuse/trauma/reaction scenario that Angelfish paints here is documented and probably fairly accurately portrayed - it's not that at all, it's just... I can't see either of the lads reacting in that way. It might be partly because of her opening, even - she gave me someone else's voice to start off with, and so the rest of it was always a few beats off, for me... But - it's more a characterisation thing, than a plausibility thing.

[byslantedlight.livejournal.com]

Thank you!

[moth2fic.livejournal.com]

She convinced me. Writers are never going to convince everybody! That's part of the fun of this comm and the recs.

[metabolick.livejournal.com]

Angelfish is one of my absolute fave authors in Pros and Far Shore one of my top 3 Pros fics. I think her wordcraft is simply breathtakingly beautiful.

That being said, this is my leave favorite of all her stories. I read it once years ago and haven't returned to it, so I'm writing this from somewhat distant memories. The emotional impact is incredibly intense and the writing beautiful as ever, but I don't like the story line at all. I just don't want to see my Bodie or Doyle in love with another character, particularly a woman. As good an OC Kathie is, too much time is spent on her. I just don't want that in my Pros fic. I can take D's mourning for a dead lover (Chances) a lot easier than I can this situation. I'm not sure about D being able to function in CI5 or as a cop after having endured what he endured. I also found the ending way too rushed, much more so than in her other works, and the scene I most wanted to see missing.

[jgraeme2007.livejournal.com]

She convinced me. Writers are never going to convince everybody! That's part of the fun of this comm and the recs.

Certainly for the space of a story I was convinced. It's not something I see in canon -- and for all that I love angst, I tend to write the lads much lighter -- but I think those skills of persuasion is what effective writing is largely about.

And yet no matter how good the writer, every work will not please every reader. It's a difficult lesson for writers to absorb. *g*