In Memorium PFL Read-Along - I Will Lay Down My Heart

[byslantedlight.livejournal.com]

Archive of Our Own
Circuit Archive
Hatstand Archive
Night Music in B and D, by Keynote Press
ProsLib Dvd
Welcome to our in memorium read-a-long for msmoat, our lovely Pros writer PFL. This is the first in a wee series of stories she wrote - three in fact, as merentha13 reminded me - the first, I Will Lay Down My Heart, the sequel, And You Can Have This Heart to Break, and then also a coda, Alone, which comes in between the two main stories.

I'd forgotten that this was a relatively short story, probably because it was among the first stories I read in Pros, way back when, and because I remember chatting with MsMoat when she was writing the sequel, and I think because it packs, as they say, quite a big punch for its length.

Bodie and Doyle are mid-relationship when we meet them in this story, although it's clear from the start that something's up. Bodie's playing it cool because Doyle is playing it cool, and they're obviously just a bit aslant of each other. But Doyle has come to Bodie, and Bodie knows why and welcomes it, even though he's also wary. Eventually Doyle makes his move - as Bodie knew he would - and they go to bed.

The story begins from Bodie's perspective, and we see throughout, both before they start and especially during the sex, how much Doyle means to him - how much he wants Doyle, a game he couldn't do without. Bodie wonders Where did this need come from? The need for this one man? Bodie didn't know, but he'd had years to wonder about it, to marvel at it, and to regret it every now and again. You'd think he'd have grown used to it by now, but the strength of it still took him by surprise.

And then, when the sex is over and they've settled to sleep, the perspective changes, and we find out what this slightly difficult, awkward Doyle is thinking too. Doyle hadn't slept. Doyle, we discover, hadn't passed their annual assessment this year, and he knows that a desk job wasn't for him ... Bodie would be teamed with Murphy.

The problem is he loved Bodie. Loved him passionately and deeply, as he'd never loved another - but Bodie doesn't love him. Bodie cares for him, likes him, wants him; but he doesn't love him, and that means that without working together as partners, Doyle can't stay. He'd wanted one more night, but now he has to leave. He leaves the assessment rating that Cowley had given him, and then he lets himself out of Bodie's flat for the last time.

And that is the end of the story! It's a sad story, which is exactly what MsMoat wanted to write. She even resisted the idea of a sequel (personally I'm very glad she came around to the idea!).

I think another reason that I like it, and that it feels so very satisfyingly sad, is that I really see the lads in PFL's writing. I think she captures them well here - the way they react to each other, the way they speak to each other - and that means that I can believe the way she has them thinking as well. It feels like a potentially true story, which is really what I want from any Pros story I read. *sighs*

So - I'd love to know what you think of this story, before we read on further into the sequel next weekend! Any thoughts? *g*

Comments

[sc-fossil.livejournal.com]

Thanks for the review and for setting this up.

So... I like the story. I've written ambiguous or open ends myself, so it doesn't bother me it's not HEA. But Doyle assumes Bodie doesn't "love" him. It's a case of where Doyle needs or wants very specific words or actions to believe that Bodie loves him as much as he does. What Doyle doesn't seem to be able to accept is how Bodie loves. It seems he wants exactly how he feels love should be without asking Bodie. No two people love the same and from Bodie's POV, he does love Doyle.

I think Doyle's mind is blinded by not passing his assessment and he doesn't give Bodie a chance. I sometimes am a bit annoyed when people don't talk! Or they assume that they know what's best for somebody else. The self-sacrifice when it's not needed or asked for can be irritating. It's the trope of 'I'll make you hate me so you'll leave and live a better life without me'. It's not a trope I generally enjoy, esp. if it drags on.

Doyle doesn't really tell us what he wants from Bodie, nor has he asked him for whatever it is, other than 'love'.

And each touch, each kiss, each breath had proclaimed his (Doyle's) love over and over again.

So when Doyle makes love to Bodie, he claims it's full of love. But Bodie making love with Doyle in this case, means he only wants sex. Funny, that. Doyle has convinced himself when he's in a state where one probably shouldn't make big decisions.

I'm a big PFL fan and this story accomplishes what she wanted. It leaves you with that sad 'oh no' feeling. Funny I feel worse for Bodie than Doyle. :)

Thanks again!

[byslantedlight.livejournal.com]

But Doyle assumes Bodie doesn't "love" him. It's a case of where Doyle needs or wants very specific words or actions to believe that Bodie loves him as much as he does. What Doyle doesn't seem to be able to accept is how Bodie loves.
You know, when I got to the end of the fic, and thought about it basically being a misunderstanding fic where they're both just not seeing what's going on with each other, I actually went back looking through Bodie's perspective, his inner thoughts in the story, to find the bit that Doyle's misunderstood - the bit where Bodie identifies, no matter how briefly, that he loves Doyle. And it isn't' there! There's alot about how he wants Doyle, and about how he can't believe he wants Doyle so much or so continually, but at no point does he acknowedge to himself that he wants him for anything other than amazing sex. So actually - if Bodie can't see it in himself, how could we expect Doyle to? I think this is very clever of PFL actually, and it takes it beyond being just another we've-misunderstood-each-other-and-won't-talk-about-it story. One wants something that the other doesn't recognise in themselves - that's so much deeper! *g*

And I think we get hints that they have in fact talked about it too:
Doyle's eyes looked into his own. "Wasn't my fault it's been a while."
Bodie's eyes closed, and his mouth firmed. He didn't want to go into it again, didn't want to begin with the arguments again.
It wasn't Doyle not making the effort, it was Bodie rejecting that effort - and then clearly being a bit miffed that Doyle wouldn't play along with his game of just-sex-between-mates... Doyle even tries to talk about what would happen if one of them failed the assessments, but Bodie's not interested in talking about it at all - he's not going to think about it until it happens to him...

So... I guess I'm seeing a different side than you describe above, and I must admit my empathy is for Doyle here!

[macklingirl.livejournal.com]

I must admit I'm not sure that Bodie really 'loves' Doyle. Why would he go and have sex with six other men when he really loves Doyle? It might be that he loves Doyle at this last night, but he doesn't tell him and Doyle isn't clairvoyant and can't read Bodie's thoughts that night. So I can understand Doyle.

Maybe they should have talked that night before making love or having sex.

[merentha13.livejournal.com]

This was a beautifully written story and I was very glad to not have a happy ending. The characterization of each of the lads is, to me, spot on. Bodie’s shying away from feelings/emotions; Doyle too caught up in them. The story, at the end, leaves them both without what they need, and won’t admit to – each other.

Reading through Bodie’s thoughts, it seems he almost resents Doyle because of Doyle’s feelings. The story opens with him admitting:

Given the unpredictable moods Doyle had been in recently, Bodie hadn't bothered to seek him out after being released to go home. If Doyle wanted him, he knew where to find him.

Or maybe he’s afraid of Doyle knowing too much:

An oft-used sense of self-preservation kept him from showing how the sight of Doyle drew him as to a flame. And Doyle knew exactly how to get to him, and Bodie resented it even as he craved it.

He’s content to ignore what’s going on between them. As they share a quiet moment:

This was what he'd wanted for some time now, sitting with Doyle, talking like they used to, without tripping over conversational landmines. He didn't want to be careful with what he said anymore. .. He didn't want to go into it again, didn't want to begin with the arguments again.

But after they have sex, there is a little bit of acknowledgement that maybe Doyle had the right of it:

Slowly, slowly Doyle slipped from his body, and Bodie turned to gather him close, kissing him, and his closed eyes. Maybe he could live with rules and expectations, like Doyle had said. Maybe. If necessary. In time.

I’m a bit unhappy with Bodie’s attempt to ignore or dismiss what is between the two of them. I’ll admit that my sympathies are with Doyle in this fic.
This PFL story is a favorite of mine. And I, too, am glad she did write the sequel.

[byslantedlight.livejournal.com]

The story, at the end, leaves them both without what they need, and won’t admit to – each other.
Yes, that's just how I read it, and that's the sadness of it... It's lovely stuff, isn't it! *g*

[tinturtle]

I agree with byslantedlight that there are multiple references to the Lads having talked about the problem before, without reaching any resolution. The following lines suggest that Doyle asked for some kind of commitment from Bodie that Bodie was not willing to make:

"No strings, no demands--their life outside the job too fragile to bear that kind of pressure, as [Doyle had] learned."
"Maybe [Bodie] could live with rules and expectations, like Doyle had said."

So I think Doyle feels that, without the work partnership, the only place he will have in Bodie's life is that of an occasional sex partner. And that isn't something he can tolerate, so he is leaving. This is very sad for Doyle, but also sad for Bodie because he actually is more attached to Doyle than he has admitted either to himself or to Doyle. That's my interpretation of why the sex with Doyle is so much different than with other men, anyway.

[byslantedlight.livejournal.com]

This is very sad for Doyle, but also sad for Bodie because he actually is more attached to Doyle than he has admitted either to himself or to Doyle.
Yes, that's just how I read it too - Bodie is attached, but he can't see it yet, or at least can't admit it...

[gilda-elise.livejournal.com]

This is such a sad story. Not only because Doyle leaves, but because of the illusions Bodie holds. He does love Doyle; no matter how hard he seems to fight it. And he makes sure that Doyle doesn't know. His deluding of himself is almost painful to read.

I remember the first time I read this; it made PFL one of those writers whose stories I always looked forward to reading. And keeping.

[byslantedlight.livejournal.com]

His deluding of himself is almost painful to read.
Yes! I think that's what makes it such a sad story, not even because Doyle's leaving at the end, but because it's so unnecessary! If only Bodie would stop looking away!

[krisserci5.livejournal.com]

Valid points. . . but I do believe that the lack of talking is the issue. . . DOYLE included. He let Bodie assume that he passed. I think that is what prior discussions were about. Doyle was making decisions while emotionally compromised, Bodie thought that Doyle passed so he could put off the powerful discussions that he was afraid to confront. Neither talked to each other. No honesty in this one.

[byslantedlight.livejournal.com]

Lack of talking perhaps, but I think Doyle does try to talk to Bodie. He brings up the subject of the assessments, and is trying to talk about it, but Bodie just shuts him down, says that he never thinks about it and doesn't want to... Doyle could have pushed the issue and told Bodie he'd failed, but I can see why he thinks Bodie isn't in a mood to say anything that would help the situation. And I think there's alot of hints in the story that Doyle has tried to talk to Bodie about things before, and Bodie's rejected any sort of discussion:
Bodie's eyes closed, and his mouth firmed. He didn't want to go into it again, didn't want to begin with the arguments again.
Doyle's tried to push it here — "Doyle's eyes looked into his own. "Wasn't my fault it's been a while." — and Bodie's just not having it. Bodie won't talk to Doyle.

I think we get hints about the prior discussion too:
Bodie wants to be ...talking like they used to, without tripping over conversational landmines. He didn't want to be careful with what he said anymore. — in other words, Doyle wanted to talk about things, Bodie didn't.
In the post-coital haze Bodie thinks Maybe he could live with rules and expectations, like Doyle had said. Maybe. If necessary. In time. — Doyle wants more between them, he wants them both to have expectation, to have more than just casual sex with each other and anyone else.

Doyle thinks that they're working smoothly together despite arguments and heartaches in their personal lives. ... He'd once thought that bond of partnership would be enough for him, but it wasn't--not now. He'd once thought he could wait, be patient, and eventually Bodie would feel it. He didn't. — Bodie doesn't feel the same way about Doyle, he doesn't love Doyle. There's nothing else Doyle can say — he's tried being patient, and talking, and arguing too, and it's not making any difference. Bodie doesn't (admit that he does) love Doyle.

(ETA — sorry about all the edits, I kept messing up the italics!)

[cim3745.livejournal.com]

I love stories that stay in my mind, with images and/or feelings. This one, and a lot of PFL's writing just did that. There's a lot to think of, a great deal we do not know, and I am happy there's a sequel.

[byslantedlight.livejournal.com]

stories that stay in my mind, with images and/or feelings.
Yes! That's exactly what it did for me too! It's not just misunderstandings and imaginings, she's gone a bit more deeply into who the lads are, and why they're thinking the way they did, and it makes for a properly memorable story! *g*

[firlefanzine.livejournal.com]

I really like the story. Good writing! I think the ending fits perfectly!

And — this time — I wouldn't need the sequels.

[byslantedlight.livejournal.com]

I must admit that I'm quite glad there is a sequel, but when I first read it, when there was no sequel, I was quite glad to have it as just a sad fic... Sometimes it's good to be sad... *g*