Reading Room: In Balance with this Life by Mauvemaz (Mazzy-Sue)

[paris7am.livejournal.com]

This week we are discussing In Balance with this Life by MauveMaz (written for Infinity Press's The Bisto Kids zine, as Mazzy-Sue.) It is also at Mauve Maz's website.

This powerful story is beautifully written and composed. Despite its brevity, the characterization is wonderful and there is no doubt about the energy zinging between Doyle and Bodie - cusping right on the edge. Written from Doyle's point of view, the time frame shifts between the present and his memory of that afternoon - clearly conveying the stark contrast. From the first words you know that this is not going to be a light and breezy story... the tension and dread build, alleviated by brief poignant memories of the very regular afternoon. The very worst has happened and Doyle has to figure out what to do, partly involving a choice between Bodie and Cowley.

I cannot help but love this story for its power and beauty, despite the pain it inflicts, despite the grief of it - it is just right. Very perfectly understated, unsaid, while expressing so much, so very deeply. I love it. Once again, I find the words to be almost poetic - so dense and packed with meaning - making it very hard to pick out a quote to highlight, but I chose this one because of how it encapsulates and makes clear what I love so about Doyle and Bodie - all unspoken, all without motion, perfect.

It had been barely half an hour ago that they had both been sitting inside the smouldering warehouse, one each side of the door, knees bent, guns ready. Doyle had thought they were like bookends. Two of a pair. Opposites and equals. Halves of a whole. He had snorted at his own foolishness, and had looked up to catch Bodie’s lazy stare.

It had been like being run through with a sword. He sucked in air, breath catching with what he saw in Bodie’s eyes. Bodie didn’t falter. He just looked back. Letting Doyle see. Showing him the truth of it, the truth of them.

It was like falling into a dark mirror. It didn’t last long. They were working, and Bodie was ever the consummate soldier. A few seconds of exposure, but Doyle knew that everything had changed. Would change.

“Ready Raymond?” Bodie breathed the words like a lover, like he was asking Ray if he could fuck him, be fucked by him. “Ready?”

As the title prefigures, the story is in balance - between the present and the past, between Bodie and Doyle, between sexy flirtation and die-for-you love, between despair and belief. I really can't think of anything to critique, sorry! I don't seem to be able to generate discussion. :( I did wonder about a few options with the scenario, however. Like, would Doyle have made the same decisions if Bodie was uninjured, just trapped? And, would he have made the same decisions if he had "told" Bodie his truth earlier, when he saw Bodie's "truth" in his eyes? (Doyle thinks earlier that "He needs to tell him something.") Personally, as much as I hate what happens, I believe it. I absolutely believe that Doyle would force his mind to analyze the situation and make the correct choices. He would act with honor and thought to the greater good, but wouldn't leave Bodie either. What are your thoughts? Did the beauty and loveliness make up for the deaths?

Comments

[gilda-elise.livejournal.com]

It is such a lovely and poetic story. Heartbreaking, of course, but because one doesn't leave the other behind, I can accept the outcome.

I did think it was pretty stupid of Cowley to come on his own, but he did that in the series a couple of times, didn't he? Not sure, could just be something that sounds like something Cowley would do.

I know I'm not adding much, but the story is really quite perfect. :-)

[paris7am.livejournal.com]

Heartbreaking, of course, but because one doesn't leave the other behind, I can accept the outcome.
You've hit the nail on the head - because they stay together, it somehow works - despite the grief and shock.

I did think it was pretty stupid of Cowley to come on his own, but he did that in the series a couple of times, didn't he?
Interesting observation! I hadn't even queried that. I somehow assumed that if Murphy came with Cowley, he had obviously been taken out of the picture, leaving Cowley alone. (referring to Doyle's "Their boss should turn up in true cavalry style any minute now, probably with Murphy in tow.") But even Cowley and Murphy doesn't really make a cavalry, in my mind!

I know I'm not adding much, but the story is really quite perfect. :-)
I know, it is! I'm so glad you agree. :)

[byslantedlight.livejournal.com]

I did think it was pretty stupid of Cowley to come on his own
But he wasn't expecting anyone to be there yet, was he? Weren't they expecting the villains to arrive for the meeting the next day, and so just setting up for it all the night before? He would have thought the way was clear, and that he was just checking the lads were in place...?

[paris7am.livejournal.com]

Yes, that makes sense - nothing was expected to happen until the following day. Ah well.

[gilda-elise.livejournal.com]

Why would he do that? If the way was clear, there would have been no need for him to check on them.

But The South Africans have brought the meeting forward. They're getting nervous, and they don't trust their middleman. Which to me implies that things could go awry.

[byslantedlight.livejournal.com]

Cowley did say I'll come down and check it personally in a couple of hours. The Prime Minister is on my back with this one when he was briefing the lads - that's why Doyle was expecting him, maybe with Murphy. But presumably he had good reason to think that all would still be clear, and that they could "consolidate their positions" before the baddies moved in...

[shooting2kill.livejournal.com]

Thank you so much for this beautifully written review! I'll try and get back here later.

[paris7am.livejournal.com]

Yay! replying to you below.

[ali15son.livejournal.com]

I do love this story even though it's such a sad ending. I'm sorry i'm not discussing this with you any further, my discussion days are over.

[paris7am.livejournal.com]

Glad you love the story and thank you for commenting!

[jat-sapphire.livejournal.com]

I love the Yeats poem quoted in the title: "An Irish Airman Foresees His Death," I believe is what it's called. "Those that he fights, he does not hate/ Those that he guards, he does not love." He knows his work is futile yet he gives his life for it. And here, at the very end, Doyle makes his actions meaningful by giving his life. The end could be no other way, and without words, Doyle knows it.

[paris7am.livejournal.com]

Oh, thank you for bringing the epilogue up! - I neglected to mention it. You are right - it adds a whole other layer of meaning to the story. Let's just put the whole poem up here.

An Irish Airman Foresees His Death
W. B. Yeats - 1865-1939

I know that I shall meet my fate
Somewhere among the clouds above;
Those that I fight I do not hate
Those that I guard I do not love;
My country is Kiltartan Cross,
My countrymen Kiltartan’s poor,
No likely end could bring them loss
Or leave them happier than before.
Nor law, nor duty bade me fight,
Nor public man, nor cheering crowds,
A lonely impulse of delight
Drove to this tumult in the clouds;
I balanced all, brought all to mind,
The years to come seemed waste of breath,
A waste of breath the years behind
In balance with this life, this death.

I think, that beyond the symbolism of the "balance," the part that intrigues me most is the "lonely impulse of delight" which brings to mind what Doyle describes of the afternoon, of his time spent beside Bodie, the two halves of a whole. Lonely because it's the two of them alone together, everyone else apart. Everything besides that is a "waste of breath." (My heart!)

[byslantedlight.livejournal.com]

"Those that he fights, he does not hate/ Those that he guards, he does not love." He knows his work is futile yet he gives his life for it.
Oh, I've never read the poem that way, this is so interesting! I've never thought of futility from those two lines - for me they evoke the airman's absolute love of flying. He's not flying because he hates the enemy, or even because he thinks about and loves the people that he's fighting for - he's not doing it for duty, he's doing it for the love of flying, of being up high, amid the tumult in the clouds. For me that's where Bodie and Doyle come in - Doyle's doing it all not because he hates the enemy or loves Cowley and his country - it's not about patriotism - it's the love of that life, and Bodie's the intrinsic part of that life which makes him love it to the point of death. Without flying the airman would rather be dead - without Bodie beside him in that life, Doyle will take death.

[jat-sapphire.livejournal.com]

Yes, yes, yes.

[paris7am.livejournal.com]

it's the love of that life, and Bodie's the intrinsic part of that life which makes him love it to the point of death. Without flying the airman would rather be dead - without Bodie beside him in that life, Doyle will take death.
Exactly! I'm so glad that you wrote this - I was feeling my way around it, blindly, trying to get it, but you've gotten it exactly right. Thank you.

As an aside, just thinking how lovely it is that the love of flying intersects here with MS... even though it is symbolic for RD.

[livejournal.livejournal.com]

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[snailbones.livejournal.com]

I always so admire anyone who can write a death story. There's a fine line between maudlin and something heartbreakingly beautiful, and this one, for me, totally falls into the heartbreakingly beautiful column.

Like you, I wonder about the decisions and options Doyle had - but that said, I can't see Doyle doing anything different.

I haven't read this one before - so thank you for suggesting it. *sniffs* *g*

[paris7am.livejournal.com]

I always so admire anyone who can write a death story. There's a fine line between maudlin and something heartbreakingly beautiful, and this one, for me, totally falls into the heartbreakingly beautiful column.
Yes, yes, yes! I can't understand how she does it, but she does.

I'm so glad that you enjoyed it, despite the sadness. And thank you for joining in!

[shooting2kill.livejournal.com]

I think you’ve just about summed up everything I feel about this beautiful story. I both love and hate it…. it’s perfect in every way but the sadness and grief experienced when reading it is hard to handle and something I don’t want with Pros! It almost offends my senses in the same way as Helen Raven’s The Same River did and I’m not sure I want to feel so much. But aside from the sadness you’re absolutely right about the characterisations, they’re spot on.

Bodie did one of his famous handbrake turns in the middle of the road, grinning hugely at the chaos he was causing, flooring the accelerator as they raced back into the heart of the city.

That’s my Bodie!

And yes, the redeeming feature (and thank goodness there is one) is the fact that Bodie and Doyle went together and Bodie was aware of the fact that Doyle hadn’t left him. But would I have saved Cowley over Bodie? No way. I don’t care how expendable Bodie was compared to Cowley, I would never have sacrificed him for the sake of Ci5, a here today, gone tomorrow, political blink of an eye.

Just one little nitpick, I thought it was a bit odd they would stop to eat chips when they were in such a hurry:

They had been right to rush. Cowley was simmering nicely

But I’m probably wrong.

Thanks for a great choice of story and review!

[paris7am.livejournal.com]

I both love and hate it…. it’s perfect in every way but the sadness and grief experienced when reading it is hard to handle and something I don’t want with Pros! It almost offends my senses in the same way as Helen Raven’s The Same River did and I’m not sure I want to feel so much.
{{{S2K!}}} I feel you. As I approached having to post this review, I kept kicking myself, thinking "Why didn't I pick a fun happy story?! There's enough grief in life already, I don't know if I can handle any more!" But then the beauty of it hits along with the sadness, and it's a kind of catharsis, I suppose? I can cope with it because they are together, inseparable, true.

the characterisations, they’re spot on.
Oh, yes! Wonderful quote to pick of Bodie being beautifully Bodie! I think that the characterization is built up so masterfully - just adding in little detail after little detail - really bare bones! - but it creates a perfect picture of them.

Bodie was aware of the fact that Doyle hadn’t left him.
That detail was merciful, wasn't it? Although I can't help but wonder if it was Doyle's brain trying to spare him one thing... I hope not.

But would I have saved Cowley over Bodie? No way. I don’t care how expendable Bodie was compared to Cowley, I would never have sacrificed him for the sake of Ci5, a here today, gone tomorrow, political blink of an eye.
For myself, I agree. Bodie and Doyle first, no matter how injured or how short of time they have left! But I can see Doyle making this choice - as impossible as it is, his weighing of outcomes and ends tallying up, just like Bodie is forever "consummate soldier." I really think that he knew Bodie only had minutes left, no matter what. (Me? I would have spent all those minutes that I could, with him...)

Just one little nitpick, I thought it was a bit odd they would stop to eat chips when they were in such a hurry:
They had been right to rush. Cowley was simmering nicely
That *did* seem odd. I didn't go back to think about it until you brought it up, though. It appears that the rush applied to getting into Cowley's office, but once they were given the assignment, they were going to be at it for a long boring night of waiting for the terrorists to show up? I think...

Here's one niggle I had - to do with driving (even though it was so small, I didn't really register it until now). Along with the quote you pulled about Bodie, I love this one:

Doyle relaxed back into his seat, and watched Bodie drive. It was like watching a lover focused on stroking every ounce of pleasure from a willing body. Blunt, capable hands moved with rough grace on the steering wheel, eyes slitted in concentration as his body leant forward with the movement of the car.
Doyle had to smile. Man and machine, in perfect harmony.
Poetry in motion.

But then,

Bodie changed back into third gear, and the Capri lurched as he jerked the clutch.
Doyle grinned his wolfish grin, and ruefully shook his head.
“Cowley’ll have your guts for garters if you fuck up this gearbox again mate..."

What? It's been a while since I drove clutch, but third gear jerks? What I CAN see happening is that Bodie is rough on cars - using them hard and making them do what he wants! but jerking the clutch when he doesn't have to seems a bit odd. Likewise, I wasn't quite sure about the descriptions of Doyle's driving? I know he was purposefully trying to annoy Bodie, but still. In canon, I think they both drive with a certain flair, flamboyance, and skill!

So glad you're here to discuss, S2K, despite the emotional hijacking. I love the way you think!

[shooting2kill.livejournal.com]

I think you're right about the chips incident, just thought I'd throw it in!

And re Bodie's driving.... I can't drive but I imagine you're right. Do you drive an automatic? (Don't most Americans?)

[paris7am.livejournal.com]

I learned to drive stick - my first two cars were - but the last two have been automatic.

[byslantedlight.livejournal.com]

Oh, you can totally feel a jerk if you shift down to third gear - I did it myself today when I fiiiiinally got to the short stretch of dual carriageway where I could pass the car in front that was going slow but speeding up when it got to the passing place! I hate it when people do that... I'm about to pass you, so you speed up at last, after going way slow...? Cos they always slow down again when it's a single lane once more... grrrr!

That said, I wouldn't describe it normally as "jerking the clutch", but yeah, that can be the effect if you're suddenly in a hurry. *g*

[paris7am.livejournal.com]

Thanks for explaining that - I somehow only have memories of clutch jerking in low gears! And yes - grrr at the people who crawl along and then when you try to pass suddenly speed up. So wrong!

[byslantedlight.livejournal.com]

I'm like you, I love this story for its power and beauty, both. It's one of those stories that aches me so badly, because I know it's more realistic than most of the happy-ending ones, but (probably like life) I don't want it to be true. It's worst when Doyle makes his choice - that is no choice - and rescues Cowley, which he has to do, but that split in him, the part of him that actually went back to be with Bodie is so real that you worry for a moment that he won't actually do it, won't be able to do it, that it will be a completely different story. But then of course he does, because to live without Bodie would be no life at all, because they're so together in everything, as we've seen...

would Doyle have made the same decisions if Bodie was uninjured, just trapped?/i>
So hard... but yes, I think he would. I think he'd see Cowley as more helpless than Bodie in that situation, as the person who realistically had to be rescued first. They've both been trained to do their jobs first - Doyle thinks of Bodie as "the consummate soldier", but we see Doyle being the consummate soldier/agent too. They're as equal in this as in everything else.

Which makes me wonder - would Bodie make the same decision, though? I'm not a hundred per cent sure that he would, actually. Bodie's a good soldier, but I think we see him being loyal to his mates above and beyond his job, like in Ojuka with Doyle, for instance. Do we see Doyle disobey Cowley in favour of his mates/Bodie in the same way? I can't think of a time... He resigns over Ann, because he says he loves her, but I'm not sure he really does it for her rather than because he's conflicted about his job and she's given him an outlet for that at the time. He risks his life for Bodie, over and over - but I think it's realistic that he'd do his job first and then agonise over it afterwards. Actually we do see him do that, don't we... *g*

would he have made the same decisions if he had "told" Bodie his truth earlier, when he saw Bodie's "truth" in his eyes? (Doyle thinks earlier that "He needs to tell him something
I think that's part of the beauty of this story - they're so on the cusp of everything between them, the closest they get to saying it to each other is Bodie's look at Doyle, as you quote above. But I think... Yes, I think Doyle would make the same decision to save Cowley first, because I don't think saying the words out loud would give either of them any more information/faith/trust. Bodie knows Doyle will come for him in the end, and Doyle knows he will too - anything said before that would just be additional anyway...

And yeah. The beauty and loveliness and power of the story make up for the deaths, because in our way the lads didn't die - they're there together at the end, which is all I want them to be, ever...

[paris7am.livejournal.com]

It's one of those stories that aches me so badly, because I know it's more realistic than most of the happy-ending ones, but (probably like life) I don't want it to be true. It's worst when Doyle makes his choice - that is no choice - and rescues Cowley, which he has to do, but that split in him, the part of him that actually went back to be with Bodie is so real that you worry for a moment that he won't actually do it, won't be able to do it, that it will be a completely different story. But then of course he does, because to live without Bodie would be no life at all, because they're so together in everything, as we've seen...
What you say here is what I wish I could have written in my review! Perfectly capturing the essence of it... Thank you.

I think that the structure of the story with the past/present echoes the way Doyle splits in this situation - the different parts of him - reinforcing the way the choice is just insane, but also that he will always make this choice.

yes, I think he would. I think he'd see Cowley as more helpless than Bodie in that situation, as the person who realistically had to be rescued first. They've both been trained to do their jobs first - Doyle thinks of Bodie as "the consummate soldier", but we see Doyle being the consummate soldier/agent too. They're as equal in this as in everything else.
I agree with you that they are equal in being consummate at their work - no question there. I am selfishly so glad that the author didn't power up the heartbreak here by having Bodie be healthy but burning alive... (even though that is what she makes Doyle do...) I don't think I would be able to bear it. As awful as it is, I'm grateful that she underlines it right away - Bodie is grievously injured, likely fatally. Right from the beginning. The weight is on the scale already? Or maybe I'm wrong. I hope I never ever have to be in a situation like this.

Which makes me wonder - would Bodie make the same decision, though?
Excellent question and analysis! I don't know. (It kills me to think about this!) My personal opinion is that he probably would do the same thing as Doyle, if Doyle was mortally wounded. But if Doyle was healthy and just trapped? I can see Bodie rescuing him first, then them working out a plan to save Cowley together. (Which isn't fair of me to bring up, because that was impossible. But I can see Doyle doing that too, with Bodie...)

I think that's part of the beauty of this story - they're so on the cusp of everything between them, the closest they get to saying it to each other is Bodie's look at Doyle
It's all this crazy staggering potential energy, isn't it? But at the same time it's a steady deep powerful current joining them... and all unspoken. Just incredible.

I don't think saying the words out loud would give either of them any more information/faith/trust. Bodie knows Doyle will come for him in the end, and Doyle knows he will too - anything said before that would just be additional anyway...
True, absolutely true. It's rock solid. The cords that bind.

in our way the lads didn't die - they're there together at the end, which is all I want them to be, ever...
Perfectly expressed. I wish I could say you took the words out of my mouth, but you take the feelings I have and put them into words I cannot seem to put together nearly as well! Thank you.