Reading Room XX - My Golden Afternoon With The Grim Reaper by PRZed

[macklingirl.livejournal.com]

Today it's one of my favourite stories. You can find the story at  AO3 or at the Circuit Archive Circuit Archive. Let's jump into a wonderful story.


I like the Circuit Archive version more, because at the beginning we don't know who is there in the garden. And the person himself don't know why he even is in this wonderful garden, sitting in the sun, chatting with a stranger.

>"What happened?"

"Don't you remember?"

I thought hard, but the immediate past was a great, gaping chasm, with no form, no substance.

"No."

"You will."

I leant back against the bench we were sitting on and took in my surroundings. We were in a cottage garden in full bloom, a riot of colours and scents. The sun beamed down, a warm soothing presence, casting a warm golden light over the whole scene. Ray would have loved the place.

"Where am I?"

"You are here."<

I love this mysterious answer, because where is here? And now we know it is Bodie, sitting in this garden with the stranger. But we don't know what happened, because Bodie don't know what happened. All he know is this:

> I was sitting in an English garden in summer when I somehow knew it should be winter, talking to a man, or being, who didn't really seem to be here.<

And he remembers a verse he heard as a child. And I had to go and search for the poem. It is from Hughes Mearns Antigonish (I met a man who wans't there)

    Yesterday, upon the stair,
    I met a man who wasn't there
    He wasn't there again today
    I wish, I wish he'd go away...

  When I came home last night at three
  The man was waiting there for me
  But when I looked around the hall
  I couldn't see him there at all!
  Go away, go away, don't you come back any more!
  Go away, go away, and please don't slam the door... (slam!)

  Last night I saw upon the stair
   A little man who wasn't there
  He wasn't there again today
  Oh, how I wish he'd go away...

I really like the way the first (short) part is written, because it is peaceful and takes place in a wonderful surrounding. And we don't know for sure who the man is.
                                                           
                                                                                           ************************************************
And then we're in the past, in Doyle's bed who at that moment wakes up and starts thinking about what they do and about his feelings and we know that it will go wrong. That he will say the wrong thing and destroy what they have. We know it because we know our Doyle. And of course he tells Bodie to stop what they are doing, to go back to just being partners and friends. And Bodie only says "Yes, it seems to be the right thing" and nothing more. He didn't argue, he didn't fight. He only accepts Doyle's decission. And I thought "NO! Go and fight!" But before they can speak it out and clear the situation, they get a call out and have to be on their way to a blown up bomb near Earls Court.

                                                                                           **************************************************

At that point we're back in the garden, with Bodie wondering why the stranger he can't see clear brought him to a garden. And he shadow answers him, that Bodie himself is the one who created the garden. I love the banter here, so let's have it.

>"Why a garden?"

"What do you mean?"

"I mean, why did you bring me to a garden? It's a simple question."

"I didn't." The shadow gestured at the delphiniums and primroses. "You created all this. It comes from you."

I snorted in disbelief.<

Of course Bodie don't believe him, because he would never dream of a garden. And he don't even know who the guy next to him is. But he will know it soon.

>"I think I was shot," I said, not understanding what the words meant until I said them. "That's it, isn't it. I was shot and I'm dead and this is hell." I looked around at the sunshine and robins and realized how stupid that sounded. "Or heaven," I tried, but this was hardly my idea of heaven either. "Or limbo." I looked over at my companion for confirmation, but it was difficult to judge a person without a face. If, in fact, he was even a person. I was beginning to have a bad feeling about that particular point.

"Who are you?" I asked.

"Who do you think I am?" More bloody questions.

"If I knew, why would I ask?"

"But you do know." Ever helpful, was my friend.

I sat there in silence for a few long minutes, thinking about everything that had happened since I found myself in this place, about what my companion had told me and what he hadn't told me. About the little I could remember from before.

"Death." I breathed out the syllable. "You're Death." I looked over at him again, but his form was no clearer now that I knew who he was.

"Your people sometimes call me that," he acknowledged.

"Fucking hell," I whispered under my breath. <

So now we know he sits there with Death and has a nice little chat. I like this idea of Death being a nice bloke who comes and sits somewhere with you, waiting for you decission.

                                                                                                                        ****************************************
I really could quote every little piece of the story because I love it so much, but that would spoil the fun for you of reading it for yourselfe. So I will stop here. But not before I tell you my absolut favourite scene in this story under the cut. It's the complete last scene with the Grim Reaper.

>"Yes." His voice was a slow hiss. "Live or die. Your choice."

"Can't be that simple. What's the catch?"

"No catch. You merely have to decide if you have anything to live for."

I thought about that and they weren't pleasant thoughts.

"Something to live for? You've come to the wrong man for that." I gave a hollow laugh. "I'm in a crap job that seems to have finally killed me. I've got no family that I'd want to claim, or that'd claim me, come to that. No wife, no girlfriend. Not even a dog. I might as well get it over with now."

"And Ray?"

I couldn't answer that one. Not right away. 'Cause all I wanted to do at that moment was curl in a little ball and howl. I swallowed hard a couple of times and tried opening my mouth, but no words would come out.

"You stepped in front of a bullet that was meant for him. He must mean something to you."

"Yeah, but I don't mean anything to him. Do I?"

"Don't you?"

"You bloody bastard," I growled, looking down at the ground. "Why bring this up when you must know..." I couldn't continue.

"I know that he ended things between you." Must be great to be Death; you can talk about someone's world ending in that calm, resonant voice.

I bobbed my head, afraid to actually talk, afraid that I would give myself away. I had hidden that pain from Ray; I could hide it now. Even before Death, I had my pride. Only problem was, he wouldn't shut up.

"I also know he's waiting for you. He's waiting for you to come back."

I shook my head and blinked away the tears that were getting harder to hold back. And from somewhere, I found my voice.

"Why would he do that?"

"He loves you." He finally gives me a straight answer and it's one that doesn't make any sense.

"You're wrong."

"No." One syllable, final and complete.

"Then why the fuck did he finish it?"

"He didn't want to hurt your friendship."

"He always was a bloody idiot," I said, mostly to myself.

"And he didn't know you love him."

I felt as if I'd been struck between the ribs with an especially long hunting knife. I doubled over and wrapped my arms around myself in an effort to stave off the pain. Didn't do a damn bit of good, though.

"Tell him."

"I can't," I said through gritted teeth and clenched jaw.

My companion touched my shoulder and it was like no sensation I've ever felt. It was cold and warm, comforting and disquieting. The pain eased.

"Tell him."

"No." The pressure on my shoulder increased.

"Tell him."

"Yes," I whispered.

"Yes," he repeated, and if he'd had a face I would have sworn he was smiling.

The garden began to fade away, drifting into a formless grey, then black. And I faded with it till there was nothing left of me at all.<


So Death knows about love, he knows about everything of everyone and I think he even knows things you don't know for yourself. He knows about your past and he knows about your feelings. And maybe he knows about your future too. And he is so nice and let yourselfe make the decission to live or die.

What should I say, I love this story because it shows in a wonderful way that Death mustn't be so awfull and hard and hurtfull we all think. It can be that you can make your own decission when it comes to your time. And Bodie takes the right path when he goes back and tells Doyle he loves him. And in the back of his mind he knows that Death is waiting for him. Sometime, somewhere and maybe he will go with him when it is his time.

I have a very personal reason why I love this story, I'l write it under an extra cut. If you would like to know why, go and read it. If not, go and enjoy the story and please tell me what you think.

Oh, and have a picture. I didn't have a sitting Grim Reaper, so he's standing





The first time I read this story was when my mother was in hospital dying. I always thought it must be hard to die and it hurt to think that she would be alone and full of fear about what might happen. She was in a coma and the doctors said that they think she might have to make a decission whether she wants to live or not. There was a 5% chance that she could come back from the coma, but that her kidneys wouldn't work afterwards. And that she might lose one leg. After I had read this story I knew that she made the right decission.

Comments

[a-boleyn.livejournal.com]

A touching story and the picture captures the mood very well.

[macklingirl.livejournal.com]

Thank you. I'm glad you like the story and my picture. :-)

[livejournal.livejournal.com]

Hello! Your entry got to top-25 of the most popular entries in LiveJournal!
Learn more about LiveJournal Ratings in FAQ (https://www.dreamwidth.org/support/faqbrowse?faqid=303).

[shooting2kill.livejournal.com]

Very sorry not to be able to comment more tonight but I'll try harder tomorrow! I just wanted to say here that I thought your picture was perfect and exactly how I imagined the beginning of the story when I first read it, years ago. And the part about your mum. At first I thought it was going to be all about a very sad memory for you, but it wasn't just about sadness, the story actually made you feel better about the situation you found yourself in with your mum and that's a tremendous thing,something to hold onto.

Thank you for your review, too!

[macklingirl.livejournal.com]

It's okay, I'm happy you came around for the story and like my picture of Bodie and the Reaper.

To the part with my mum. It's no sad memory for me anymore. I had a lot of years with love and fun and happy moments with her and when I found the story it really was good for me, because I tried to imagine my mum sitting in a garden she made for herself making a choice about what was best for her. And I like the idea that there is a nice guy how talks to you and tells you that it is okay and he'll be there, whatever decission you make.

And it was the first time ever a story helped me accept a thing happening in real life.

[cim3745.livejournal.com]

At first, thank you for bringing up this story and hosting it here and now. It was a pleasure to read it again.
But........there's one thing, which I usually struggle with, so here too, the POV.
I don't know why, there are some stories I do like written in the first person, but in this story it mostly feels strange.

Anyway, the story line is my cup of tea and it's well written - touching, to be more precise. That's exactly Bodie. Switching off all feelings, or better trying it, and being stubborn.

"Tell him."

"I can't," I said through gritted teeth and clenched jaw.

My companion touched my shoulder and it was like no sensation I've ever felt. It was cold and warm, comforting and disquieting. The pain eased.

"Tell him."

"No." The pressure on my shoulder increased.

"Tell him."

"Yes," I whispered.

"Yes," he repeated, and if he'd had a face I would have sworn he was smiling.

I could nearly quote the whole story, everything fits well into their relationship.

Thank you for sharing your personal experience with this subject and your relation to this wonderful story.

[gilda-elise.livejournal.com]

I'm not big on first person, either, which may be why this story isn't a favorite (as much as I love Zed's writing.) Plus, I don't exactly here Bodie. It's not quite him for me.

[macklingirl.livejournal.com]

I think I know what you mean with the first person POV feeling strange here. I think it is because Bodie isn't like the selfsecure Bodie we normaly know from other stories or the series. He feels a little insecure because he don't know what to make of his situation.

It's something that works fine for me because I always thought that his outer being shown to the world is a masquerade. Maybe because in a way I see myself in this description of Bodie. *g*

Thank you for reading again and stopping by.

[cim3745.livejournal.com]

Forgotten to talk about your picture.......
It fits perfectly - especially Bodie's face.

But why did Bodie's mind create a garden in full bloom ?

[macklingirl.livejournal.com]

Oh, that's perfectly clear for me. The garden is something his subconscious created for him. It is a peaceful place to be in and something he didn't see to often in his line of work. It's something his subconscious longs for.

Thanks for liking the pic. :-)

[byslantedlight.livejournal.com]

I wondered why Bodie had chosen a garden too, rather than maybe a park, or the woods, or a lake, or.... *g* There are lots of peaceful places - why a garden? I wondered if there was something in the story that connected a garden to Doyle, but I couldn't find anything...

[heliophile-oxon.livejournal.com]

It's a great conceit (I mean in the sense of a literary conceit, not in the sense of being proud/self-satisfied *g*) to have Bodie sit down with Death - it's not easy to get him to be introspective while keeping him in-character, and this is a lovely way of achieving it! (I can't remember the title right now, but there's a story somewhere that uses an imaginary Cowley in one of the lads' minds to similar effect.)

I particularly like the way we learn what has happened to get us to this point, it's made to feel very natural and unforced which is another example of this writer's skill.

[macklingirl.livejournal.com]

Yeah, I think I know the story you mean too. But I can't remember the titel either. I think it is Cowley speaking with Doyle while he is unconscious and arguing with him the way he did in DIAG. I'll go and search it and when I find it I'll tell you.

And yes again, she has a great way to tell what happened before.

Thank you for reading and telling us what you think about the story.

[ali15son.livejournal.com]

I love this story and i'm glad that it helped you through the loss of your mother.

[macklingirl.livejournal.com]

I'm glad you love the story too. :-)

[shooting2kill.livejournal.com]

I remember reading this a few years ago and thinking how very original and well executed the story was and reading it again this week I still think the same! I don’t think there are many stories like this in Pros, are there? With death hovering in the background, pulling Bodie or Doyle one way when life is pulling them the other way? I can think of one by Foxcat and possibly another one by a different author, but not that many. Anyway I really like this story. There was just one thing, though, and I’m being petty here because it’s really small but it did make me sit up and think a little.... The scene where Bodie’s wounded:

it took the combined efforts of Murphy, Jax and the emergency services team to get Doyle away from Bodie.

But then moments later we have this:

Doyle watched from the street as the ambulance carrying Bodie drove away at breakneck speed. They had asked if he wanted to ride with them, but at the moment he felt he didn't have the right. Bodie deserved to have someone with him who would take better care of him than Ray Doyle had done.

Just a thought.

[cim3745.livejournal.com]

Doyle watched from the street as the ambulance carrying Bodie drove away at breakneck speed. They had asked if he wanted to ride with them, but at the moment he felt he didn't have the right.
Bodie deserved to have someone with him who would take better care of him than Ray Doyle had done.
I know what you mean. I was thinking about those sentences too.
Could it be because of a guilty conscience ? Caused by the incident in the morning ? The bad feeling came after Jax and Murphy got him away from Bodie. And it came powerfully, so he reacted in that way.

[macklingirl.livejournal.com]

For me Doyle was once again on a guilt trip because Bodie did such a thing like throwing himself between a bullet and Doyle after Doyle ended the relationship. It shows him, that Bodie wasn't okay with this decission but said okay because he wanted to safe the partnership and friendship.

And even a trained CI5 agent doesn't always react in the right way when shock is setting in.

I'm glad you like the story too. I don't know any other which is written in the same style, maybe I should go and search more.

[byslantedlight.livejournal.com]

I don’t think there are many stories like this in Pros, are there? With death hovering in the background, pulling Bodie or Doyle one way when life is pulling them the other way?
I had totally the opposite reaction - I thought that this seemed a bit cliched, because there were lots of stories where the lads battle with death (or Death) in one way or another. Not that I can think of any examples right now, of course...

Doyle not getting into the ambulance threw me as well, and I didn't realise until I read your comment why (apart from the idea that of course he would go with the ambulance...) - but yes, just a few sentences before he wouldn't be separated from Bodie, and then...

[firlefanzine.livejournal.com]

A wonderful summary! And the picture fits perfectly! Thank you very much!

And in my opinion, the story deserves it. It's one of my all time fav. stories since my first years in Pros, and I reread it very often.

And I can quote myself: :-)

"I know that he ended things between you." Must be great to be Death; you can talk about someone's world ending in that calm, resonant voice.

I bobbed my head, afraid to actually talk, afraid that I would give myself away. I had hidden that pain from Ray; I could hide it now. Even before Death, I had my pride. Only problem was, he wouldn't shut up.

For me this is 'so Bodie'! Never show your feelings, even not in front of Ray...

And the garden makes sense to me too! Bodie is always English, otherwise he could have chosen many other places to live instead of London, after so many years of 'travels'.
And what is more 'English' than a beautiful garden? And of course even him, like anybody else, prefers a pleasant and silent place.

Just perfect! Everything! :-)


...and thank you for the thoughts about your mother...

[shooting2kill.livejournal.com]

And what is more 'English' than a beautiful garden? And of course even him, like anybody else, prefers a pleasant and silent place.

Oh, good point! I like that observation.

[cloudless-9193.livejournal.com]

I love this story. Thanks for reminding me to read it again! :-)

[macklingirl.livejournal.com]

You're welcome. It's nice to hear you like the story too. :-)

[byslantedlight.livejournal.com]

I'm late again - nice to see lots of people coming to chat this week though!

I like your way of thinking about this story though, and the idea that death isn't at all scary, but comforting and thoughtful, and I'm glad you found it at just the right time.

I'm going to be the slightly dissenting one this week though, I think, because although I remember liking this story when I first read it, I found myself a bit frustrated when reading it this time (and interestingly, it's not one of the stories that I've gone back to in the last fifteen years and read time and time again). It's also connected with what people have said above, too, about this being a really original story and premise - because to me it was the exact opposite this time! Apart from the idea of Death being kind and comforting when he offers Bodie the choice (very different from the choice Doyle had to make about living and dying in DiaG), it felt very much like this was a simple plot that I'd read many times before.
- the lads are having an affair
- Doyle has doubts because Bodie's never said he loves him and so decides to break if off
- Bodie saves Doyle's life but is seriously injured
- Doyle feels guilty about it and realises how much he loves Bodie
- Bodie realises how much he loves Doyle
= happy ending.

The lads were pretty much in character, and the dialogue was mostly pretty good, but a few things niggled at me.
- I can't see Bodie throwing himself in front of Doyle to take the bullet instead of him (he's not a stupid man, he'd throw himself at Doyle to push him out of the way and save them both)
- the bit that shooting2kill quoted above, about how one minute Doyle won't leave Bodie, the next he's refusing to travel to the hospital with him, because he doesn't deserve to. Just - what?! I get that Doyle was feeling guilty etc., but I can't imagine that stopping him going with Bodie in the ambulance. If the person you love is in an ambulance then it's not about whether you deserve to go with them, you go with them because it comforts them and you want to convince them to stay alive, and find out what happens to them. Like Bodie in the ambulance with Doyle in DiaG. No way would Doyle not leap in and go - he's thoughtful about things/people, and we've seen him any number of times when Bodie's been injured, or when he thinks he has been. Actually Doyle gets really physical around Bodie in that situation. So guilt notwithstanding, I'm not convinced.
- Cowley would never say "bollocks". It's not his language, it's not of his time, he'd use other words even if he's trying to shock Doyle.
- I know it's a trope, but we don't see Doyle hating hospitals in the eps - he seems quite at home in them!

So... I don't know. I just wasn't able to get comfortable with this story this time - it seemed overly simple somehow, and something that's been done before and done better (albeit usually with Doyle as the one who's almost died).
-

[macklingirl.livejournal.com]

Sorry for being late with my answer, yesterday I was very busy.

You said

Apart from the idea of Death being kind and comforting when he offers Bodie the choice (very different from the choice Doyle had to make about living and dying in DiaG), it felt very much like this was a simple plot that I'd read many times before
- the lads are having an affair
- Doyle has doubts because Bodie's never said he loves him and so decides to break if off
- Bodie saves Doyle's life but is seriously injured
- Doyle feels guilty about it and realises how much he loves Bodie
- Bodie realises how much he loves Doyle
= happy ending.

Well, that's right, but

- in 99% of our slash stories the lads have an affair (if they wouldn't we wouldn't read the stories, wouldn't we?)
- in nearly 70% of the stories one or the other has the doubts because the other half doesn't say he loves him and so they break it off
- in 75-80% of the stories one or the other saves the others life and is seriously injured, even if the don't have an affair at that moment
- I think in 60% of the stories Doyle feels guilty about it and realises how much he loves Bodie and vice versa.
- minimun 60% of the slash stories have a happy ending.
If that would be things to throw me out of a story I wouldn't read any of them, because the plot is very often the same and only written in another style.

- I can't see Bodie throwing himself in front of Doyle to take the bullet instead of him (he's not a stupid man, he'd throw himself at Doyle to push him out of the way and save them both)

There is no hint in the story that Bodie throws himself in front of Doyle to take the bullet instead of him.
The line in the story is Bodie barreled in from the hall, screaming at the top of his lungs and raising his own gun to fire. The boy swung his weapon to meet the new threat and fired. Twice. Bodie didn't have a chance. He dropped to the floor with a sickening thud.
I don't think that Bodie threw himself in front of Doyle, he barrels into the room, screaming to disturbe the boy and hoping he can fire first. It is bad luck that the boy is faster and hits the target. Because if Bodie would have thrown himself in front of Doyle the boy didn't have to swing the weapon to meet the new threat.

I get that Doyle was feeling guilty etc., but I can't imagine that stopping him going with Bodie in the ambulance. If the person you love is in an ambulance then it's not about whether you deserve to go with them, you go with them because it comforts them and you want to convince them to stay alive, and find out what happens to them.

Well, in a rational way you're right. But Doyle doesn't react rational. He only sees that he hadn't done anything to save Bodie. That's enough reason for him to punish himself.

- Cowley would never say "bollocks". It's not his language, it's not of his time, he'd use other words even if he's trying to shock Doyle.
I have to go and look that up, but I mean I heard Cowley say something like that in one of the episodes. It might not be "bollocks" but I know there is one episode where he's cursing.

[paris7am.livejournal.com]

Thank you, macklingirl, for the recc, your thoughts, the lovely image, and for your personal story. Lots to think about. I am glad that you found solace in that situation.

I love this story. Always have, and loved it again. I had forgotten the back story - only remembered the garden! - but it came back. Bodie's conversations with death are so well done - the tone, the topics, everything! I love them. I almost want a whole series of them...
The story I always associate with this one in my mind is Helen Raven's "Tailor Made Sequence" - even though they are very different! I need to reread that one to know for sure, but I think it's because they both take Death and the lore surrounding it and use it so cleverly for Pros.
I didn't have any quibbles with pov, or with Doyle's wobbly about the ambulance. I do get that prickly feeling over the so very overused "can't communicate how I really feel, so break up, then almost died to show my love" thing... But, this story is so cleverly done around that, and the show is practically canonically about that! so how can I complain?
Besides Bodie/Death, I loved the moment before they go in, when their partnership is in full effect... G l o w !
Another thing. I had an incident giving blood this week - was fine! - but passed out and it sure felt like I was dying, and I remember the sequence very well - each sense to go, and each to come back - and it was exactly like this except without Doyle! or a mortal injury... But the two nurses who were holding me? I would have pledged my undying love to them - I was so thankful for how they cared for me.

[macklingirl.livejournal.com]

Thank you for your thoughts too.

I'm very glad you like the story. I love the banter between Death and Bodie too and the idea of a whole series of Death with some of the CI5 agents is a nice idea.

I never gave blood and after your incident I don't think I want to try. Lucky that there were the two nurses who took care of you.

[paris7am.livejournal.com]

I was wondering - talking about the English garden environment that Bodie created for his conversation with Death - where would you have it happen, if you were writing the scenario? And where would you have Doyle's, too? Can we all give it a go?

[shooting2kill.livejournal.com]

Great question but I don't know the answer! By the sea for Bodie? Some place which holds some kind of meaning for him. Strangely, I can't think of one for Doyle.