Belated beta central: lie-detector.

[moonlightmead.livejournal.com]

Recently, stuck with new writing, I thought a change would help. And I turned my attention to tidying up older stuff, much of which I had already posted. And I am quite entertained still by some of it, but, ugh, it's clear I have no idea what I am doing. Particularly with this story, The Lie-detector, which was the first I posted. It's already on the Automated Hatstand and Proslib, so it is a little late for second thoughts, but, well. The more I re-read it, the more I remember writing it and forcing it into a structure that perhaps I should have just abandoned in the first place. And now I am wondering whether it is worth massive rewriting or not.

I do like quite a lot of it still. I like the central idea. I like the thought that started all this off, although that didn't make it into the story in the end! I like the fact that the title actually makes sense (I'm rubbish with them normally). And one person spotted something I hoped someone would, so that was nice.

But. I'm not sure about the slang and the jokes - do either of them ever use terms like 'pony' for money amounts? (I've never used them in my life, but apparently... London...?) The "tighter than the Pope's knickers" thing was just shoved in in haste to be fixed later, and then I didn't. I hate it, and it is going even if it is the only thing I change. (Actually, I have a hit-list of Worst Lines in it.)

And in particular... it's all dialogue. Except for two moments where all I could do was put in the word "[Silence]". Erm. I tend to think they aren't stunningly articulate with each other quite a lot of the time, so silence is okay, but there are huge huge long paragraphs of monologue. And the only reason for that is because when I wrote it, quite a lot unfurled in front of me, and I don't type that fast. So I typed the words, frantically, thinking, "I can fill in the actions and description after". And then I got half-way through and thought, "Actually... I wonder if I need them?" And thought, "I'll give it a go without." And then had to make them talk a lot more than I think they should.

So thoughts? Anything that can make it better, really: if you like it, great, but if you don't like it, tell me why. If you didn't get through it, tell me where you stopped and (ideally) why. If certain phrases make you wince, which are they? But what I'm really looking for is the answer to two questions:

(1) There's lots of little coming-back-to-the-idea scenes at the start. Can they be compressed? Can I lose stuff, from exchanges to entire scenes? How can I stop it dragging? (One non-LJ piece of feedback I received from a non-fandom friend was that it took ages to get to the point.) Do I need to rearrange scenes? I've stuck section/scene numbers in just for simplicity, in case anyone feels the urge to say "Why is any of section/scene (whatever) there at all?"

(2) How the bloody hell do I deal with the horrible long monologues in the main part, the huge paragraphs of speech? The stuff in the part I have labelled "s10" in particular? Is there a sane way to do it all via dialogue? Is it "cheating" to add tiny bits of actions in? Or should I rewrite it not to be just speech and add the description I originally envisaged in? (Which is actually very different.) Or should I just stop trying to fix the unfixable, and move on to the next thing?

Be honest. Ta!


THE LIE-DETECTOR

[s01]
"Can't."

"Can so."

"You can't!"

"Alright then, if you say so."

"You can't!"

"Whatever makes you happy."

"Look, Bodie, just because it's possible to beat a lie detector, doesn't mean everyone can do it."

"Doyle, I'm agreeing with you. Now shut up and keep an eye out for action over the road."

* * *
[s02]
"Christ, this is tedious. What's the point of being on the A squad if we draw the obbos?"

"Because, Doyle, being on the A-squad means we know what Geller's gang look like."

"Huh. Should have shot the bastards when we had them in our sights. Wouldn't be waiting for them now, would we?"

"Shot on sight? No trial? This job is getting to you, Doyle."

"Huh. When did I approve your application again, Bodie?"

"What application?"

"To be my conscience. I don't remember appointing anyone to be my conscience for me."

"What is up with you today, Ray? Have you missed another date or something?"

"Haven't had a date for a week. Tina cancelled, and then told Marie not to bother, apparently. Said I might act more interested in her than in Tina, but I was more interested in keeping her dangling than actually going anywhere with her."

"What, Marie told you that?"

"Nah. Tina. Just making sure to ruin my day."

"You do know how to pick 'em, that's for sure."

"Yeah. Any sign of Geller yet?"

"No."

* * *
[s03]
"Why do the Yanks use them, then?"

"What?"

"Lie detectors. If you can fool them, why do the Yanks bother with them?"

"How should I know, Ray?"

"And you still think you can beat them?"

"What's all this about?"

"I'm just asking."

"Look, they work on measuring stress. So all you have to do is to keep cool when you lie and tense when you tell the truth. And it'll even out."

"Ah, I get it. This is your 40 beats a minute, 'I'm so cool the sea freezes' image, isn't it?"

Silence.

"Don't smirk at me. That's what it's about. You just reckon you're too cool to be caught out."

"Keep your eye on that house."


* * *

[s04]
"So, how long before Tina forgives you?"

"Forgives me? Jesus, Bodie, she's spoiled my pitch with half the women I know. She's practically sticking posters in the the laundrette with my name on them. 'Beware this man'. She's determined to make sure I suffer."

"She's frustrated, poor girl, that's all."

"Yeah, right, poor her. Frustrated? I'm frustrated. She called it off. What's she got to be frustrated about?"

"Well, all that posing, and no delivering. She's feeling cheated."

"All that what? Cheated? All that... Bodie, are you feeling okay?"

"Ah, give over, Ray, you know what I'm talking about."

"Not a clue."

"The posing, you lying sod."

"Posing? You saying you watch me?"

"Don't watch. Just can't avoid seeing you, you get in my bloody way every half hour."

"You watch me."

"I don't. You get in my way. I just said that."

* * *
[s05]
"There's one in the old interrogation room."

"One what?"

"A lie detector."

"A lie detector?"

"Yeah."

"Why? Why have we got a lie detector?"

"When the Yanks came over to collect that Romanian courier. They had an entire box of tricks with them. Left that one behind, didn't they?"

"Left it behind? Yeah, right. Fell off the back of a CIA lorry, did it? You little tea-leaf."

"Wasn't me. Anson swiped it. They never even noticed til they were back, and they couldn't do a lot about it then. Hang on. Is that Rogers coming out of the side alley?"

"Hell, yeah. Get on the R/T and tell Mike to start moving in. Looks like we're on."

* * *
[s06]

"But, sir--"

"Do you think you're the only one who can interrogate in this organisation, Bodie? I want something that'll stand up in court. I've heard your idea of sensitive questioning before."

"I'm just saying, sir.."

"I know very well what you're saying. The answer is no, Bodie, no! You've done your bit for the day. Yes, Jackson, what is it?"

"A message from the Minister's office, sir."

"Well?"

"The Minister's getting panicky. Seems very worried about the names we sent him. Wants to know if anyone connected to the union election is liable to show up in the fall-out."

"I might have known. Tell Betty I'll need a call to the minister's office at twenty-five past six tonight, then, Jackson."

"Twenty-five past six, sir?"

"As he's about to leave for the Embassy reception, Bodie. Let's see if we can wake him up to what's going on here."

"Permission to call you--"

"No, Bodie, permission denied. Go and collect your partner and get out of here. I don't want either of you anywhere near the interrogations tonight. You're far too keyed up. Right, Jackson, finish here and I'll see you in an hour."


* * *
[s07]
"Hey, Ben."

"Bodie."

"What did the old man mean, 'keyed up'?"

"What?"

"'Keyed up'? What did he mean?"

"How should I know? I'm just the messenger boy in this place. Go here. Tell Cowley that. Come back. Tell Betty this. Which reminds me. The prince with a thousand curls thinks I have nothing better to do than to carry your love notes."

"What?"

"Doyle. Said to tell you he was in the old interrogation room. You know it, it got closed last year. Said he had something for you. Sounds interesting. You reckon it's a ring? Or maybe a paternity order?"

"God knows. Thanks, Ben. I'll go and fetch him out."


* * *

[s08]
"Doyle?"

"Bodie. About time. Come here. Look, I found it."

"What?"

"Anson's lie detector."

"Oh, for Chrissake, Ray, are you still on about that? And stand up straight, can't you, there's no secretaries walking past the door hoping for a glimpse of you like that."

"See. Told you."

"What?"

"You watch me."

"I do not."

"No?"

"I said. If you will stand in front of me like that, can't avoid you."

"Come here. You're going to live up to your promises for once."

"Doyle, it's six in the evening, we've been on since five last night, we've had three hours off in the last twenty-four. It's time to get out of here."

"Hardly. I'm just waking up. Come here."

"Fine. If it makes you happy."

"Right, sit there. Let me attach this."

"What?"

"The sodding lie detector, that's what. What did you think?"

"Christ. You got any idea of what you're doing? Got a licence for this?"

"Yeah, Raymond Doyle, licensed detector of bullshit, that's me. Just sit still there. I need this to go here -- will you unclench your hand for just a minute? For God's sake, it's tighter than the Pope's knickers. Right. All set."

"Doyle, do you honestly know what you're doing?"

"Course I do. I am going to ask you questions, and you are going to prove to me that you really can fake a lie detector test."

"And then can we go home to bed? I'm knackered."

"Yeah. Then we can go home to bed."

"Right then. Get on with it. Before Cowley arrests half of Kensington and decides that he needs this room back."


* * *
[s09]

"Is your name William Andrew Philip Bodie?"

"Yes."

"Okay so far, son. Okay. Are we sitting in CI5's interrogation room?"

"Yes."

"Okay. Convincing so far. Is today your birthday?"

"Yes."

"Liar. Hang on. Let me look at the needle."

"'T'd be easier if you sat down properly, and not swinging off the bloody chair, you know. Bad enough in the bloody Capri. If I push that foot off the table, you'll be on your arse."

"Thanks for that, sunshine. Sorry. Am I putting you off?"

"Get on with it."

"No sense of refinement, you. Okay, next. Did you know that it was Gerry who put the sour milk in my coffee?"

"No."

"Liar."

"Not!"

"Look, Bodie, definite flicker on the needle there!"

"Normal variation, Ray. I didn't know. Really. I nearly drank it myself."

"You were damn well waiting for me to drink that. You're not convincing me here, sunshine."

"Look, you're the one who had the bright idea about playing with the lie detector. I didn't know that Gerry had put anything anywhere, and I didn't know there was sour milk in the fridge."

"You're a bloody shit operative then. There's always sour milk in the fridge. Anyway, my coffee. We'll do that one again while I'm watching it. Did you know the milk in my coffee was sour?"

"No."

"Hmm. Okay. I'll give you that. For now."

"I'm so grateful."

"You know, you're gonna have to lie on something soon. If you want to prove you can fake a lie detector test, you have to tell a few convincing lies."

"I don't need to prove it. This is your game. But if I do..."

"If you do...?"

"If I lie, you'll never know the difference, my son."

"Won't I? Hmm."

"Where are you going?"

"Think better on my feet, don't I? Not going anywhere, really, just need to stretch a bit."

"Not the bits you're stretching."

"What?"

"Not your... I'm just saying, you're pacing. Just as well we're off duty now. If you wanted to sit tidily, the way things are now, you'd have to cut vents in your jeans. Cowley wouldn't like that. Poor interview technique. I mean, after all--"

"Calm down, Bodie, that needle's going haywire."

"Told you. Stress. I'm tired, Doyle. Tired and frustrated. Let's get this done."

"Frustrated. Hmm. Okay. Let's get on with it then. Let's have some lies. Do you fancy.... Betty."

"Yeah, alright. Yes."

"No surprises there. Do you fancy... Sonia?"

"She's.. alright.."

"Ah ah ah. Yes or no, Bodie, that's all that counts. Do you fancy Sonia?"

"I dunno, Ray, I barely know her!"

"Christ, get into the spirit of this, will you? Okay. Not Sonia, then. Do you fancy... Cowley?"

"Yes."

"You liar. Needle practically jumped off the table. You're not doing much good here."

"This is your game, Ray, it's not up to me to make your point for you."

"Thought you were going to prove you could lie and fake the test, not that you could lie. We can all bloody lie, it's in the job description."

"If you'd stop bloody sauntering in circles, perhaps we'd get somewhere!"

"I'm just walking!"

"You're posing! Come off it, Ray, you must know what you're doing!"

"Not doing anything out of the ordinary. Unlike you."

"What?"

"Needle's still bouncing around like ferrets in a sack. Thought you were Mr Cool."

"I'm tired, I'm hungry, I want a bit of relaxation."

"So.. not at your best is what you're saying."

"Dammit, Doyle, what's your fucking point? And for Christ's sake, stop pacing!"

"Better?"

"Leaning against the wall like rough trade in Soho is not what I had in mind, no."

"Bodie. And you know for sure?"

"What?"

"I'm ex-Met. I'm supposed to know what rough trade in Soho looks like. What's your excuse?"

"Oh, here we go again. Mr Seen It All. Feeling insecure, so bring out the rough and tough drugs squad. You don't need to compensate, you know."

"For what? Your claims of chaos and mayhem in Africa?"

"No chaos. No mayhem. No claims about it, if it comes to that. Was doing a job, that's all. I'm just saying, there's nothing to live up to. Jesus, will you stop that?"

"What?"

"That.. that.. whatever you're doing."

"Just stretching. Rearranging a bit. Fine. I'll move."

"Right."

"You know, that needle's going to break off in a minute."

"Christ, Ray, you don't give up, do you?"

"Never. No."

"Look, Ray, I'm tired, I'm hungry, I want to sleep. Get on with it, whatever your point is, and we can all just go home."

"Both."

"What?"

"Both."

"Yeah. Heard that. What?"

"'T's 'both' when it's two people. 'all' when it's more. There's only two of us here, Bodie. I'm the only one who'll know."

"Get out of my face, Doyle. You don't need to sit that close, you could just talk at a normal level instead."

"Watching the needle, aren't I? Okay. Fine. Question. Do you fancy the Queen?"

"No."

"Long may she feel the relief, bless her. Do you fancy--"

"You know, Doyle, there's a theme developing here."

"Heard you lie about everything else, Bodie, want to hear you lie about this."

"Go on, then. If you can stand still for a minute."

"Oh, I'll be back to watch the needle. Do you fancy Tina?"

"Look, I didn't do anything to sabotage that one, you did that all on your own--"

"Not accusing you, just getting a baseline. Do you fancy Tina?"

"Yes."

"I wonder. How about Marie?"

"Yes."

"Now I know you're lying. What about me?"


* * *


"What?"


* * *


"Me."


* * *

[s09]
"What are you talking about, Doyle?"

"Asking you a question, aren't I? Do you fancy me? You certainly watch me enough."

"You stick yourself in front of my bloody eyes all day, don't confuse that with..."

"...with?"

"What?"

"Don't confuse that with what? C'mon, Bodie, I can see the pulse in your throat! I know exactly where to look. That 90-beats a minute heart rate tells me you're a liar. What did you claim, 40?"

"Look, these bloody things don't work, we established that in the car!"

"We did?"

"Yeah, that's why you can fake them out!"

"Oh, right. Go on, then. Fake it out. You said it's all to do with tensing up and relaxing. Yeah. Faking the tense when you're telling the truth and faking the cool when you're lying. You're the expert. Go on then."

"Doyle?"

"Lie to me. Do you fancy me?"

"You're a fucking tease, you are, and you're lucky I don't say yes."

"Depends on the needle."

"What? And stop it."

"What?"

"Playing at Patricia the Stripper. Do yourself up, for chrissakes"

"'S hot in here. Never can feel comfortable with all the buttons done."

"As you have proved every time we get in the car."

"Stop changing the subject. Do you fancy me?"

"That's enough, Doyle, I'm going ho-- fucking hell!"

"Watch it!"

"Holy mother of Christ, Doyle, touch me like that again, and you'll regret it."

"Just brushed against you, what are you on about? And I think you owe Anson a new lie detector."

"What?"

"Well, it didn't arrive in that many bits, and it definitely didn't arrive on the floor. Never seen anyone jump like that in my life. Never mind trained agents with a 40-beat-a-minut--"

"Will you shut the fuck up!"



"Who's that in there?"

"Shit! Bloody Collins! Enough's enough, Doyle, now is not the time for this."

"No? Let me know when it would be the right time. Stop panicking, Bodie, I'll get rid of him."

"Hope so, I owe him a pony. Get on with it."

"Oi, Collins, s'me! Doyle! Hang on, the door's stuck. There we are. What's up?"

"Doyle. Ideal. I'm looking for Bodie. You're bound to know where he is. Where is he? He owes me fifty quid."

"Fifty? Yeah?"

"Yeah. Any idea where he is?"

"Oh yeah, I know alright. Don't think it's a good idea to bother him at the moment, though. Bit ratty. I think I can tell you where he'll be tomorrow, if you want?"

"Don't like the sound of that. Thanks anyway, but no. See you later."

"Yeah, okay. Tara."



"Happy now?"

"Lying bastard, it was twenty-five, never fifty."

"Well, if you will play games of chance for money..."

"He's probably trying to count Murph--"

"Bodie, stop changing the subject."

"What?"

"Stop it."

"What are you doing now, Doyle? Where you going?"

"The light switch, you moron. There. Off. No-one's going to see the light from the corridor now. And you can't complain that I'm in front of you now. I'm not in front of you, Bodie. Do you know where I am?"

"Doyle?"

"I'm giving you a chance to lie, Bodie. I'm behind you. Only I bet you've turned round by now, Bodie, haven't you?"

"Doyle?"

"You know where I am. You don't even need my voice. You home in on me... And I... home in... on..."

"Shit!"

"S'alright, s'just me. And you were facing me. Knew you'd have turned. Even in the dark, you know where I am. God, your neck is tense."

"Doyle, what..."

"Hush. Just for a moment, Bodie. Hush. I can feel the hair on your neck standing up."

"Doyle..."

"You're not saying no yet, Bodie."

"Doyle, no..."

"And you're a shit liar, Bodie, we've established that. You can lie for Queen and country easily enough, but you can't lie to me."

"Doyle, you don't know what you're playing with here."

"I think I do. Hm. It's not just on your neck, is it, that prickle? Why d'you wear such tight collars, hmm? How far down does that shiver go?"

"Doyle, stop arsing about."

"Arsing about? Haven't started yet, mate. And you're big enough and ugly enough to put a stop to it any time you please. I'm not seeing it, though. Or feeling it."

Silence.

"Cat got your tongue? See, I don't need that toy of Anson's, Bodie. I don't need a needle to know what you're thinking. I can feel what you really think when I run my hands down your arms like this. Yes. And then back up. No. You're not moving. The hair's standing up. And your body is humming with tension."

"Ray. You don't know."

"Don't know what? Here, step back. Relax. I'm here. I've got your back. In every way, this time. What don't I know? You think I don't know what's in your file?"

"Wh--?"

"Ah, that's got you worried. Shh, relax. Gently, now. Back. Back into me. I've got you. I'm not going anywhere. I'm against the wall. Even if you fainted into me -- and you're not going to do that, are you? -- I'd still have you here."

"Ray. Keep doing that and.."

"And...? Gonna surprise me, are you? Where's the surprise gonna come from? Only one thing you can do that would honestly surprise me, you must know that. And you know what it is."

"Doyle, you're playing with fire here."

"Told you. Saw your file. Mmm. You know, when your hair's short like this, it feels like feathers when I run my fingers through it. Mmm. Lean back. You're not that much heavier than me. Let me reach round."

"Doyle... are you seriously..."

"Undressing you? No, mate, not really. Exploring a bit? Yeah, could say that. Seducing you? I damn well hope so, or we're going to look very silly in the morning."

"We? This is your bloody game, not mine, and--"

"Oh, for God's sake, Bodie, if anyone heard a tape of this conversation, tell me you could listen and then claim you weren't here. "

"Tape? You fucking lunatic, Doyle, get off me right now! Get... off!"

"Ah!"

"Doyle? Doyle! Fuck! Chrissakes, Doyle, are you--?"

"Jesus, Bodie. I don't mind a bit of enthusiasm, but if you're gonna slam me against the wall like that, you could at least hold me upright instead of letting me drop. This floor's cold."

"Oh, for-- Stop pissing about, Doyle, tape!"

"Bodie. Bodie! No tape."

"What?"

"No tape. That was an example, you fool. If. So... Are you going to leave me here, or get me up?"

"You're a lunatic, Doyle, you know that?"

"Not so mad as all that. Give me a hand. No, properly. Lift me Bodie, Christ. Against the wall. That's better. Oops. Put your arm around... oh God, yes. About time. Where's your mouth?"


* * *

[s10]
"You're still a prick-tease, Doyle"

"Not."

"Are."

"Teasing's when you offer and don't make good. I offered. You're just not giving me the chance to make good on it."

"I'm giving you the chance to stop."

"Don't want to stop."

"You're behaving like a romantic film here. Kisses and seduction. That's not what I do. Not what I'm interested in. You said you'd seen my file."

"Yes, Bodie, for Chrissake. Yes, I have seen it. Yes, I know why you might have thought it was a good idea to apply to transfer before you got into worse trouble. Yes, I know which club you were in when it got raided. Yes, I know what goes on there, for fucksakes, will you get it through your thick skull. Yes. Yes. Yes."

"You little bastard."

"That's more like it. More what I expected. Ah. A bit of gentleness, if you don't mind."

"Make up your mind. You said you know what I like."

"Oh yes. Still doesn't mean I want lumps in my head."

"You planned this."

"No, I always get into arguments about lie detectors with strange men on observations. Always go to the bother of--"

"Think you'd better stop before you go any further."

"Way too late for that. Mmm. Something down here told me you were interested long before your mouth did. God, let me feel it. Let my hands go, at least, you don't need to let the rest of me go. Jesus. Where's the top of the zip? Ahhh. And your belt... let's have that come off, Bodie, breathe in just a second, that's right, got it. Can you feel your belt sliding all the way around you? Mmm, All the way round and out?"

"Give that to me. Just get on with it, Doyle."

"Know where we're going now, do we? Thought we might."

"Know where you're going, you bloody prick-tease."

"Not having that from you, Bodie. You can call me any name that's true, but that one isn't. Come on, you're crushing me here, if all I can move is my arms, let me at least move those. Ahh, yes. I can feel you now. God, you're like a furnace. All the way up and down you. Shit, I wish I could see this, I'm working in the dark here. What colour are you, I wonder? Are you dark, just that much darker than the rest of you, matching your nipples? Red and hungry, red and desperate? You feel pretty desperate to me, I have to say. Purplish, and it pulsing out from over the cover? I can't see. I just have to feel, just have to touch. Run my hands along and under to-- Jesus, and they say a man's balls are cooler than the rest of him. You're burning up. How long you going to hold out, then? You're going to have to let me move to do something. Can feel your hands on my hips, now. You expecting me to sink down, or to turn around? Make a few decisions here."

"Doyle..."

"Not helping me, Bodie, not helping at all. You're the one in charge here. You're the one crushing me against the wall. You're the one who has hold of me, and your belt looped around your... ah.. that woke you up. Jesus, let a man breathe."

"Stop talking Doyle, put your mouth to better use."

"Let me go a bit, then, turn, yes, like that. Lean against the wall. Let me go down... Jesus, shouldn't have worn these jeans, can't squat down--"

"Get on with it, Doyle"

"Patience, my son. Let me find you... ah, there, there we are. And it feels like silk in my fingers, but... mmm... velvet in my mouth. Mmmmm. And the sm--"

"Shut up with the nonsense, Doyle, you wanted to do this, do it properly. Can't talk and do it at the same time. Ahh, yes. Gently for now. Gently. Oh, Jesus. Yes. We've got the rest of the night. Jesus, just hold the tip and breathe in. Use your tongue, yes, better. Just breathe in, all you can see and smell and feel is me, I'm all you smell, Doyle, all you taste, I'm all you know. Gently for now, then, yes, but not for long. Gently, and use your hands on what you can't reach. Hollow your mouth. Let me...further...in. Yes, Christ, in like that. Right in. Fuck, don't yank back like that, you wanted to do this, you'll do it properly. I've got you, just move when my hands tell you to. Take it, damn you. Oh, Jesus. Jesus, you know what you're doing, don't you? That's right. Where's your other hand? You only need one on my cock, put your other one to good use. You know where they are, ahh, good man. Ohhh, sweet Jesus. Think you'd better come back up, or this will all be over right now. Up. Come on, I've got your arms, let me lift you."

"Mmmm. Still think I'm a tease, Bodie? "

"You're a tease, Doyle."

"I fucking well am not. I know what you want to do. You couldn't help taking over there. I'm still here. Going to take over again?"

"You have no idea what you're asking."

"I damn well do. I'm not asking. I'm offering. You gonna turn me down, Bodie? After all we've said and done tonight? Don't think we can break off and salvage much tomorrow. We've gone this far, I know what you want. C'mon, Bodie."

"For Chrissake, Doyle, this is your last chance. I am barely holding on here, and you are a lunatic. We're in the fucking interrogation suite, with an investigation winding up, and nearly every room full. Could be another carful of plotters arriving any minute now. Cowley's prowling the halls making the minister panic, and you're offering me a fuck in the dark."

"Can put the light back on if you want."

"Doyle..."

"Relax, Bodie. The light's off. There's no microphones. No tape recorder. The room's officially out of use. And I locked the door when Collins went. Nicked the keys. Still saying no?"

"I..."

"I can hear your breathing. Just as well there's no mikes. You haven't calmed down since I put my mouth... argh, let go of my hand, let me put it there... on this..."

"Christ."

"C'mon, what do I have to do? Strip off? Hey, what happens if I keep my hand here, and just tighten a bit, eh?"

"Doyle!"

"Still waiting for suggestions here, Bodie."

"You don't need suggestions, Doyle, you know what comes next."

"That a yes, then?"

"Damn you. Yes."

"Let me go, a bit. Oh, alright, then, fine. If you're going to hold me like that, you're going to have to undo me, I can't move my arms."

"You're way out of chances, Doyle, no more chattering."

"Found a way to stop me, have you?"

"Stop talking. Turn round. There's a wall. Use it. Arms up."

"Finally, we're getting somewhere."

"You sarky little cunt. Get that t-shirt off. Right. Twist it up. As if you were making a rope of it. Right. You know what's coming next?"

"Uhh."

"I'm not trying to choke you. But if you're set on this, I'm not having you gouge great lumps in my arm as you try to keep quiet. I'm not having anyone come to investigate the noise. And in case you have forgotten, I've heard you mewling like a cat when you were two rooms away. As did half the unit. So last chance to back out. Any questions?"

"Only the obvious."

"It's a bit late to ask about limits, I'd say. You've already shown you've got no respect for mine."

"Bodie--"

"To save you the indignity of asking, I'm clean, and if you're not, you'd better tell me right now."

"No, nothing. But--"

"Doyle, this was a setup from the start. I'm not that thick. If you can plan this whole bloody thing ever since that conversation in the car, and wait until we are supposed to be off-duty and on the way home, you knew this was coming. Don't tell me you haven't got something in your pocket, cos if you haven't, you're just going to have to make do with spit."

"Jacket pocket. On the left. On the bloody floor now, of course"

"All I needed to know. How's that t-shirt? Wound it narrow? Good. Open. Wider. That's right. Bite down. Good. Keep your mouth shut down. Hmm. Better already, but how are we going to get at that stuff now, then? I know. Squat down with me, slowly. Mmm. S'your fault for wearing them, s'not hurting me to feel you wince. Right. Where's this jacket? Ah. Let's get into this pocket... Christ, wriggle against me like that again, and I'll be tanning your arse, not fucking it."

"Bo--"

"You're talking again, Doyle. Bite down! If you let that out of your mouth again, I'll keep it in with your belt. Let me do the feeling for a change. I've got it, now. Back up now. Slowly. Let me feel your legs pressed against mine. Ahh, Jesus, so I can get my hands into your front pockets from behind before those jeans come down. Mmm. Tight. Lovely. What's that, sunshine? S'that why you're pushing back like that? I'm not moving now, you might as well squirm against a rock. If you want to squirm, you go right ahead. Ohh, Jesus, yes. Right, let's do something about letting the rest of you breathe. Where's the button on these things? Ah. Breathe in. Christ, Doyle, you'll have to try harder than that. Breathe in. Right, better. Feel better? Feels good to me, what I can feel. Wonder how slow I can take that zip down. Hey. Keep your arms up on the wall. Rest your head on them then. God knows, you're going to need to. Let me get these jeans down. Christ, do you sit in the bath to shrink these on? Stop bucking like that, you're not helping. If you don't help, you sod, I'll take a knife to them and leave you to figure out how to get out of the building with your dignity intact. Right. Better. Oh. Now, then. Who's burning now? You're shaking. Move your legs apart, those things are down far enough to let me feel you.

"Doyle. Let me feel you, your arse, your hips, the hair around your cock. Christ, I wish we dared put that light back on. What do you reckon, Doyle, you mad enough to let me? Hey. Let that t-shirt drop, and I really will belt it into place. Christ, the hair on your back just stood on end, I can feel it on my nipples now, and I haven't moved an inch. Did you know you were doing that, Doyle? Brushing my nipples with the hair on your back? What are yours like, I wonder? Let's find out. Hey, hush. Remember the belt. Ahhh. There's one. And the other. Do you like this? Soft? Little circles? Mmm. These could be a bit harder, do I just need to pinch like this-- Christ, did you just nearly come? Wait for me, you sod.

"Okay, Doyle, no more messing about. Get that leg out of your jeans, I'm holding you, you can pull it over your trainer, or your trainer off, I don't care, but do something. Whoops, don't fall, I've got you. Ahhh. Better. Lean against that wall. Christ, man, are you slouching at me even now? Pull yourself forward so I've got room. Doesn't matter whether it's dark or light, I know what I'm doing here. Can you hear the lid coming off this tube? Mmm? There. Out it comes. And it's even nearly warm. Okay, stop pressing against me like that, you little... I need room here. Mmm... long strokes along a long cock, can you feel it twitching, Doyle, twitching as I run this stuff up and down it? Let me forward, let me curl it under your balls. Can you feel that, Doyle? Can you imagine it in you? Won't have to imagine in a minute. Let's just put some of this where it'll help. Right, then, help me here. Lean your head on the wall. Hold yourself open for me. That's it. Stay like that. Christ, I wish the lights were on. Thought you were a prick-tease, but you're really ready for this, aren't you? I want to see all of this another time. Your arse, your hands holding it open, the shadows running up to your arsehole, that hole where I am putting this stuff any minute now. Ready for this? Shit! Hush, for Chrissakes. Told you I knew you'd make too much noise. Were you expecting a finger? Nah, far too impatient for that, the nozzle on this tube's good enough to aim this stuff straight at you."

"You're shivering, Doyle. I can feel it. Come on, not long now. Let's just smooth that around... hmm, you are ready, aren't you? Obviously not the only one with a past, am I? Okay, enough. My cock is pulsing for it, and you're panting, let me just..."

"Oh. Oh Jesus. Oh, that's good. In for an inch or two with no trouble. Fuck, yeah. Want me to stop? Think you can manage not to scream if you let that t-shirt drop? Here, let it go. You can answer me, damn you. Want me to stop?"

"Just do it, Bodie. Fucking hell, don't stop there."

"Sure? You asked, sunshine. All the way in. Now."

"Fuck."

"And now. And now."

"Fuck. Fuck."



* * *


[s11]
"My God, Ray, hold still a minute, let me feel you. You're gorgeous. Your back. Your arms. Your arse, and me plunged into it. I wish I could see this. I wish you could see this. Oh Jesus. What about you, Ray? What can you feel? Can you feel that? And that? And that? Want any help?"

"Christ, Bodie. Bodie! Hold me, just hold me there. No, don't stop moving, you bastard, keep on, don't let go. Yes. Put your hand on my cock, do I have to do all the work there?

"Ray--"

"Ahh, yes, like that. Harder. Not going to hang on for long, just help me out here. Oh, Jesus, yes. Faster. Faster. Oh God, I'm..."

"Can guess what you're doing, Ray, can feel it all over me."

"Ah. God."

"Don't collapse on me, I'm behind you here."

"In more ways... than one.."

"Christ, you've always got to get the last word. I-- Fuck, do that again. Your hips."

"What, that?"

"Ah, yes, that. Jesus. Oh. Oh God, that's better. Jesus."


* * *

[s12]
"Fuck, Bodie, that was... something else. But I have to sit down."

"Sit down?"

"Or... lie down. Or slump. Or something. You might be right. Sitting down might be a bad idea."

"Take it you're walking back tonight, then."

"Oh fuck. We're still at work, aren't we?"

"Yes, Doyle, we are."

"Oh fuck."

"Yes, Doyle, we di--"

"Fuck off, Bodie. No, just realised... nowhere to lie down but the rest room, and that doesn't sound too clever at the moment. Jesus, we stink."

"So much for your planning, Doyle. Can't believe you didn't think of that. Thought of everything else. Lie detectors. Lights. Key to the room. KY, for Christ's sake -- how long have you been walking around with that in your pocket?"

"Ah. Yes. Not that long, actually."

"No?"

"About eight hours."

"What?"

"When we stopped for lunch. Popped into the chemists while you went for the food."

"What possessed you to go shopping in the first place?"

"You."

"What? Me?"

"You. All that banging on about posing. Finally. Took you long enough. Thought I'd better seize the moment."

"And the lie detector?"

"Ah."

"Ah, what?"

"Ah, well."

"You little bastard, you're going to tell me you faked that?"

"What'll you do if I did?"

"Kill you and give your body to Anson for burial."

"Anson?"

"Well, it's his detector. Or whatever the hell it is."

"Oh, it's the genuine article. Well. A bit battered now. Was the genuine article. You were right the first time, though. You can fake them. And you were doing pretty well. You had me worried, sunshine, you really did. Thought I'd completely misjudged you. Was glad you couldn't actually see the readings.

"You mean...?"

"Oh yes. You can fake the lie detector out. And you did."

"Then...?"

"Just can't fake me out."

"We'll see about that. Next time, you take the test."

"Need another lie detector machine first."

"Oh yeah."

"Gonna clear it up?"

"Naah. We were never here in the first place. Time to move?"

"Yeah. Your place or mine?"

"Don't think it matters now."

"Don't think so, no. Let's go."

----

Sorry about the delayed posting. LJ does not like me today, but I got here in the end.

Comments

[hagsrus.livejournal.com]

We can replace it on the Proslib CD if you do decide to rewrite. It wouldn't be the first!

[moonlightmead.livejournal.com]

Thanks - will see how it goes.

[moth2fic.livejournal.com]

A few comments:

In Sec 8 they refer to being on duty from 5.0.p.m. one day till 6.0.p.m. the next with three hours off in the last 24. For me, it doesn't add up...

In Sec 9 Doyle asks Bodie to try some lies after he has already apparently 'caught' him lying about his birthday - confusing.

In Sec 10 Bodie's long monologue is hot, but seems too articulate. People don't usually talk quite as fluently in those circumstances, or at such length. You could add some broken sentences or some silences.

Re: owing someone a pony - I think it's a term used by an earlier generation. I'm not sure, but it doesn't sound like Bodie. I'm the same generation as the lads, and I lived in London round about the time concerned and I never heard anyone use 'pony' though admittedly I didn't mingle with the criminal classes!

I think using dialogue only is interesting and hot. But maybe it's a little long - I'm not going to suggest specific cuts but you could tighten it.

I think it's worth working on and editing then replacing!

[moonlightmead.livejournal.com]

Section 8 - yeah, that was on my list too.

Section 9 - um. Oh yeah!

Section 10 - I know, I think a lot will have to go, bah. Sentence fragmentation is already in progress.

I think I got pony from Minder and just assumed it was one of those London-and-down-south kind of things - things set there on the telly had all kinds of words and phrases never heard where I grew up. And I was worried about repetition so looked for some slang. But I think they'll just have to repeat. Or not bet. Thinking about it, I don't think there's any need for the interruption, really. Pooh.

Thanks very much for these - it helps to know that I'm seeing the same problems as someone else.

[moth2fic.livejournal.com]

Keep the interruption - it's further help in fragmenting the scene. But get rid of the pony and just use fifty quid or whatever. None of the agents are real Eastenders and would be unlikely to use local slang. Good luck with the rewrites!

[moonlightmead.livejournal.com]

*disposes of pony and puts the red pen down*. Okey-doke, and thanks!

[merentha13.livejournal.com]

I enjoyed this - silences, long dialog and all! But you're looking for more than that! I agree with moth2fic on Sec 10. The speech is "hot" but maybe a bit too articulate. I think some silences and some of the 3Gs would work there (y'know - gasps, grunts and groans... hey! it may not be dialog, but it is communication *g*) Back in January I did a dialog story for beta-central and got some good advice - maybe take a look there. Have to run to work now - but I'm taking the story with me and I'll be back later! Thanks for being brave and taking beta-central up again!

[moonlightmead.livejournal.com]

I have seen some great dialogue representations of your three g's (heh, nice term) by other people, but when I do it, it comes out looking silly. But just referring to them might work. I was so hung up on 'how do I fit it all in speech' that I didn't think of that.

Thanks!

[murphybabe]

First of all, thank you and well done for being brave and posting this!

(and this is going to drive me mad because I want the comment box to float over the bit I'm thinking about!)

I have a few things to say and I hope that some of them might possibly address your questions.

I like the dialogue. I like the style. Yes, I agree, there are a few things they wouldn't say and you have identified two of them (pony and Pope). I agree with you that they aren't particularly articulate - they don't need to be and it's canon (I think) that they fill in the gaps for each other and seem to read each others' minds. And some of it is a bit too long-winded, or perhaps too drawn-out might be a better way of putting it. You wondered if it could be compressed - yes, I think it can and should be, in places. There's a lot of emphasis on Bodie commenting on Doyle's posing - once is fine, twice is perhaps okay - but I think he comments seven times. And yes, some of it is in response to Doyle's provocative remarks, but I think you could reduce them.

I like the short and choppy, slangy dialogue. I like that it shows the monotony of stake-outs and then the sudden call to action. You asked about scenes that could potentially be removed - s02 might be a contender, and I'm not sure what s06 was showing us, although I loved the idea of ringing the Minister just before he leaves for the embassy reception *g*

And the long monologues - you're right again, these are too articulate for that situation. (Nicely written, mind *g*) I'm not sure if you could add them in as odd words or sentences separated by asterisks as you have done for the separators, but I think you'd have to lose some of the descriptors and that would be a shame. Hopefully someone else will have some more helpful comments - all I can do here is agree with what you think yourself. I think though that if you mix in description you will lose the effect of the dialogue, which I like. They are two distinctly different types of writing and both are good, but it can be difficult to mix them.

I wasn't sure about "To save you the indignity of asking, I'm clean, and if you're not, you'd better tell me right now." - I don't know if this is a question anyone would ask in the late 70s/very early 80s, although I may be wrong on this. Although, thinking about it, you don't say when this is set (and of course you don't have to) and it certainly was a question that started to be asked mid-80s.

The things I loved so I hope you don't lose them *g*

I liked the whole premise of the thing, Bodie being cool enough to fake out the lie detector.

I lovedlovedloved I'm just the messenger boy in this place. Go here. Tell Cowley that. Come back. Tell Betty this. Which reminds me. The prince with a thousand curls thinks I have nothing better to do than to carry your love notes."

and the box of tricks made me giggle.

I hope this is helpful and encouraging, not depressing. It's definitely worth editing and working some more on. Again, thanks for posting!

[byslantedlight.livejournal.com]

because I want the comment box to float over the bit I'm thinking about!
Me too!

I found a workaround though - I duplicate the tab, then split one of them up into their own window, and have a window at the top with the bit I'm talking about, so I can keep looking at it, and a window at the bottom with the comment box! It's not perfect (really I want paper and a pen... *g*) but it's better than all that scrolling! *g*

[murphybabe]

Likee!

[moonlightmead.livejournal.com]

Thanks, this is brilliantly helpful.

Posing: but I think he comments seven times - rotfl, okay, that entirely escaped me! I like them all, but yes, perhaps some ought to go, sniff.

6 was just there to put them back in HQ and have a reason why they end up downstairs and not heading straight off home.

No-one has said "go for it, add description", so I think I shall take a marker pen to a print-out and see what can come out rather than adding stuff in. But I'll keep the bits you mention in - someone else commented on the prince with a thousand curls, so I daren't take that out!

It was supposed to be set some time in the series - there was something I wanted to include that involved a camera and I remember realising that The Rack wouldn't have happened at all if there had been cameras to monitor things. And yeah, I was thinking about the things that were around in the seventies rather than AIDS, but if it jars, it can go.

[murphybabe]

Glad it was helpful *g*

I know what you mean about bits that you like but that have to go.

Oh, okay, I understand about 6 now. Otherwise I (or someone) would have said, 'But how did they get back to HQ?' *g*

I've had another thought about the long bits of dialogue - that's it exactly, it's not dialogue so it either needs to be chopped up between them, or shortened. Could you do some of it as thought rather than spoken? Might that work? Or you could split it between them. This works very well earlier, so I think that's partly why it seems out of place here - both because it's a lot of dialogue from one character when previously the text has been choppy (which was what I liked) and also because the situation they're in doesn't make for long speeches!

The last bit about the 'clean' comment - this was a question rather than a suggestion that you remove it.

Great stuff. I'm looking forward to the changes.

[anna060957.livejournal.com]

Blimey mlm, you could have warned me not to read this in my lunch break! I could barely concentrate for the rest of the afternoon and I'm in an open office!
Consequently, I haven't finished reading it and RL is demanding all my hours, so I can't comment properly except to say well done for posting.

[moonlightmead.livejournal.com]

Ah. Sorry about that! But I am going to take it as a compliment :)