Beta Central: "Sounds" Round Deux!
Jan. 19th, 2012 10:59 pm![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
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ci5hqFirst I'd like to say thank you to everyone who participated in this round. I received a lot of helpful advice and everyone was very nice and very "professional" (*g*)! I've taken some of that advice and revised the story. If you're not totally tired of me yet, I hope you'll take a look. What I'm most interested in this time around is the story's flow. Does it read better now? I'm posting two versions. In the first I've removed all the flashbacks and in the second, I've left one. Let me know which version you like best - the original or one of these two.
I hope more of you will take advantage of this forum and post your own work... if not, you might have to put up with me again! I have more stories and I eat up all the attention!! *VBG*
So, here we go again...
“It’s not enough for me, Bodie!” Ray hated the pleading, desperate tone in his voice.
“We agreed, right from the start...” Bodie radiated impatience.
“I need more.”
“Why, Ray? Its good innit?”
“It’s brilliant. That’s why... ah, bloody hell, Bodie! I lo...”
“Don’t! Don’t say it.”
Now there was anger.
Bodie pushed Ray away and turned his back on his partner.
“I love you, Bodie, and I won’t apologize for that. It’s become more than sex for me.”
There was a stifling silence.
“I can’t give you what you want, Ray.”
“Can’t or won’t?”
“Doesn’t really matter, does it?”
“That’s it then?”
Bodie turned back to face him.
“That’s up to you, Ray. Nothing need change.” Bodie sounded almost hopeful.
“Too late for that." Ray then quietly added, "I’ve changed.”
Hope died.
Ray picked up his jacket.
Bodie winced at the crash of the door as it closed on the best chapter in his life.
Cowley sat back in his chair, twirling his glasses between his fingers, studying the agent seated in front of him.
“Where’s Doyle, 3.7?”
Bodie shrugged, not meeting his boss’ eyes. “Don’t know, sir. We didn’t drive in together today.”
“Well, we can’t hold up Mr Mallard any longer. You’ll have to brief him when he decides to honour us with his presence.” He saw the guilty look flash quickly across Bodie’s face and then watched it disappear just as fast. There was something going on between the two men and he was determined to get to the bottom of it.
The third man in the room cleared his throat and spoke, drawing everyone’s attention.
“Mr Cowley, I assure you, the information I have will be of the utmost interest to you and your organisation.”
“I don’t make deals with the press, Mr Mallard. If you have information dealing with national security, you are under obligation as a citizen to impart it.”
Bodie shifted in his chair, glad for once that it wasn’t him on the receiving end of George Cowley’s ire.
There was a sharp knock on the door and Bodie looked up as Doyle entered the office.
“Glad you could join us, Doyle.”
“Sorry, sir.” He sat down, glaring at his partner. He was late because the bastard hadn’t come by to pick him up and he’d waited, thinking Bodie was running late. But Cowley didn’t accept excuses, so his own annoyance remained unspoken. He turned his attention to the briefing.
“Gentlemen, this is Jeremy Mallard, a reporter with the “Times”. Mr Mallard has some information that is relevant to a current operation. He was just about to disclose that information.” The threat was clear in the Controller’s voice.
“I want something in return for that information… er, sir.” Colour rose in Mallards face.
Bodie nodded in approval. The man either had guts or was daft to demand anything of Cowley.
“And what is it that you would like, Mr Mallard?” Cowley surprised everyone by asking.
“I’d like to be present for the bust. I’ll stay out of the way, but I want to be there.”
“That is not possible. You are a civilian, and I am not about to put you at risk.”
“But…” Mallard wasn’t giving up.
“I will grant you an exclusive interview after the raid is concluded. But you are to stay clear of the actual operation.”
“An interview with whom?”
Ray drew in a surprised breath. He was used to being the one that pushed Cowley.
Ignoring both of them, Cowley nodded towards Bodie. “Mr Bodie is in charge of the current investigation. He’ll be able to give you the background information and then fill you in after the arrests have been made.”
Mallard hesitated for a moment and then spoke, “I guess if that’s the best I can get…”
“It is,” Cowley interrupted.
“An informer of mine has given me information about a gun cache headed to the IRA. I have the time and place of the sale.” Mallard removed a file folder from his briefcase and handed it to Bodie.
Cowley stood, indicating the meeting was over. “Thank you, Mr Mallard. Mr Bodie will be in touch when the guns and their owners have been collected.”
Arriving at the warehouse an hour before the exchange of guns and money was set to go down, Bodie ordered his agents into position around the derelict building.
Watching Bodie’s placement of the men, Doyle asked, “Where are you going to be?”
Bodie was surprised at the question. Doyle hadn’t initiated conversation with him since their row.
“Why?”
“I want to make sure you’re covered.” Ray’s voice was flat, but Bodie felt a moment’s relief. Ray might be as mad as hell at him, but the question showed Ray still cared.
“There.” Bodie pointed to the scaffold above the front entrance.
Ray shook his head, clearly unhappy with the choice.
“It’s the best spot; I can see everything going on and... ” Bodie sounded defensive.
“And everyone can see you.” Ray exhaled harshly. He looked around the warehouse. “I’ll set up behind those crates on the left. I’ll best be able to cover you from there.” He turned away and called over his shoulder, “Don’t do anything stupid.”
“Ta, mate,” Bodie grumbled under his breath. Maybe he’d misinterpreted Ray’s earlier concern.
The gunrunners arrived and began to unpack their wares. They didn’t realise they were being observed until a lone figure emerged from the shadow of an office doorway. Mallard. Bodie spotted him at the same time as the villains. He fired off a shot to try to divert their attention away from the reporter, but he knew he was too late.
As Doyle watched Mallard walk slowly out of the warehouse office, he moved out of his hiding place to try and get to the man. Everything seemed to move in slow motion. He saw Mallard go down. He heard the familiar report of Bodie’s gun.
“Bloody hell!” He cursed at Bodie for putting himself in harm’s way, not caring that he’d done it to save Mallard. “I told you, you daft bugger, not to do anything stupid!” He watched as Bodie fell from his perch. The rest of the operation was a blur to him. The gunrunners were rounded up, Mallard was dead and Bodie...
“Bodie!”
Ray knelt down next to his partner, a cold fear in his gut. He watched as Bodie fought to keep his eyes open.
“Did we get ‘em all?” Bodie’s voice was barely a whisper.
“’Course we did. This was your op wasn’t it?” He gently stroked the fringe of hair on Bodie’s forehead.
“Well, that’s all right then.” Bodie managed a weak smile.
Ray carefully checked Bodie for injuries.
“What hurts, sunshine? Did you get shot?”
“Nah, they missed. Lost my balance and fell. Head hurts.”
Bodie tried to sit up.
“Keep still. You’re probably concussed. Better let the medics make sure there are no other injuries before you move.”
“Yeah. Ray, I...”
“What?”
Silence.
“Bodie. Bodie!”
But Bodie had lost consciousness.
Ray sat next to Bodie’s hospital bed and willed the man to wake up. The job had been a success, but a costly one. There were four villains who would threaten Queen and country no more. Two CI5 agents, including Bodie, had been badly injured. The reporter, who had tipped them off and then got in the way, had paid the ultimate price for his curiosity.
“No!" A quick indrawn breath and then, "Stop! No!”
The panicked sounds from the bed snapped Doyle out of his doze. He watched as Bodie opened pain-filled eyes and took in his surroundings. He held his own breath until Bodie’s breathing returned to normal.
“Welcome back.”
“Bloody hell, Doyle. How long?” Bodie’s voice was strained, the question almost inaudible.
“Two days.”
Silence.
“Go away, Ray,” Bodie sighed.
“Not likely.”
“Don’t need you here.”
“I know that.”
“Don’t want you here either.” Some of Bodie’s belligerent spirit was re-asserting itself.
Ray lips twitched.
“Know that too.”
“So what are you doin’ here then?” Irritation fighting with fatigue.
“Waiting for a bus.”
No laughter.
“Really, Ray. Why are you here?” Bodie’s words resonated with defeat.
“I owe you.”
“You what?”
“You sat vigil for me, Bodie, brought me back... saved me. I‘m just returnin’ the favour.”
Ray watched as Bodie drifted back into sleep. It didn’t matter what Bodie wanted or didn’t want. There was no way he was going to leave Bodie here in hospital alone.
The riffling of pages greeted Bodie when he woke the next time.
“You still here?”
“Apparently.”
“You look terrible.”
“Ta.”
“What are you reading?”
“Reporter’s notes. Jax found Mallard’s notebook in the warehouse.”
“Ah, the duck that didn’t...”
They both sniggered.
Ray felt a twinge of guilt for laughing at the poor reporter’s fate, but he relaxed a bit too. If Bodie’s dark humour was returning, the man was healing.
He hoped the wound that existed between them would heal as well.
Bodie woke slowly; there were no nightmares this time. The room was dark. The sound of soft rhythmic breathing near his left ear let him know he wasn’t alone. Ray was still there, sleeping, with his head resting next to Bodie’s on the pillow. The rest of the contorted body was somehow sprawled in the orange plastic chair.
“Ray?”
“Hmmm?”
“You awake?”
“I am now.”
Ray made no move to sit up.
“Ray?”
“What?”
“Did you mean it... what you said?”
“That I love you?”
Ray had no trouble guessing where Bodie’s thoughts were going. Almost dying made you rethink some of your most dearly held beliefs.
“Yeah, that.”
Ray sat up and looked at him.
“Prat, of course I meant it, wouldn’t have said it otherwise.” Exasperation rang through his words.
“I have been a prat, and worse. Ray... thanks.”
Ray looked puzzled.
“For what?”
“For staying with me... for not leaving.”
“Couldn’t leave you, Bodie. Flawed or perfect, you’re all I’ve got. Learned that these last few days, didn’t I?”
Ray looked down at his hands, his sadness resonating between them.
“Sunshine?” Bodie whispered and reached out, putting his hand around the back of Ray’s neck. He pulled him into a gentle kiss. Against Ray’s lips he said, “I lied to you.” He rested his forehead against his partner’s. “It’s more than the sex for me too. I was just too afraid to admit it to you... to myself. Forgive me?”
“Ah, you dumb crud!” Ray sat up and took hold of Bodie’s shoulders, gently squeezing them. He moved a hand to caress Bodie’s cheek. “I’ve missed you.”
“You’ll take me back then?” Delight lit Bodie’s eyes.
“Have to, don’t I? No one else would have you.”
END
Cowley leaned back in his chair, twirling his glasses between his fingers, studying the agent seated in front of him.
“Where’s Doyle, 3.7?”
Bodie shrugged, not meeting his boss’ eyes. “Don’t know, sir. We didn’t drive in together today.”
Cowley grunted, as if receiving confirmation of some veiled thought, and slid his glasses back on.
“Well, we can’t hold up Mr Mallard any longer,” he looked up. “You’ll have to brief him when he honours us with his presence.” He saw the guilty look flash quickly across Bodie’s face and then watched it disappear just as fast. There was something going on between the two men and he was determined to get to the bottom of it.
The third man in the room cleared his throat and began to speak, drawing everyone’s attention.
“Mr Cowley, I assure you, the information I have will be of the utmost interest to you and your organisation.”
“I don’t make deals with the press, Mr Mallard. If you have information dealing with national security, you are under obligation as a citizen to impart it.”
Bodie shifted in his chair, glad for once that it wasn’t him on the receiving end of George Cowley’s ire.
There was a sharp knock on the door and Bodie looked up as Doyle entered the office.
“Glad you could join us, Doyle.” Cowley’s eyes communicated the irritation his voice did not.
“Sorry, sir.” He sat down, glaring at his partner. He was late because the bastard hadn’t come by to pick him up and he’d waited, thinking Bodie was running late. But Cowley didn’t accept excuses, so his own annoyance remained unspoken. He turned his attention to the briefing.
“Gentlemen, this is Jeremy Mallard, a reporter with the “Times”. Mr Mallard has some information that is relevant to a current operation. He was just about to disclose that information.” The threat was clear in the Controller’s voice.
“I want something in return for that information… er, sir.” Colour rose in Mallards face.
Bodie nodded in approval. The man either had guts or was daft to demand anything of Cowley.
“And what is it that you would like, Mr Mallard?” Cowley surprised everyone by asking.
“I’d like to be present for the bust. I’ll stay out of the way, but I want to be there.”
“That is not possible. You are a civilian, and I am not about to put you at risk.”
“But…” Mallard wasn’t giving up.
“I will grant you an exclusive interview after the raid is concluded. But you are to stay clear of the actual operation.”
“An interview with whom?”
Ray drew in a surprised breath. He was used to being the one that pushed Cowley.
Ignoring both of them, Cowley nodded towards Bodie. “Mr Bodie is in charge of the current investigation. He’ll be able to give you the background information and then fill you in after the arrests have been made.”
Mallard hesitated for a moment and then spoke, “I guess if that’s the best I can get…”
“It is,” Cowley interrupted.
Mallard sighed in resignation. “An informer of mine has given me information about a gun cache headed to the IRA. I have the time and place of the sale.” Mallard removed a file folder from his briefcase and handed it to Bodie.
Cowley stood, indicating the meeting was over. “Thank you, Mr Mallard. Mr Bodie will be in touch when the guns and their owners have been collected.”
Arriving at the warehouse an hour before the exchange of guns and money was set to go down, Bodie ordered his agents into position around the derelict building.
Watching Bodie’s placement of the men, Doyle asked, “Where are you going to be?”
Bodie was surprised at the question. Doyle hadn’t initiated conversation with him since their row.
“Why?”
“I want to make sure you’re covered.” Ray’s voice was flat, but Bodie felt a moment’s relief. Ray might be as mad as hell at him, but the question showed Ray still cared.
“There.” Bodie pointed to the scaffold above the front entrance.
Ray shook his head, clearly unhappy with the choice.
“It’s the best spot; I can see everything going on and... ” Bodie sounded defensive.
“And everyone can see you.” Ray exhaled harshly. He looked around the warehouse. “I’ll set up behind those crates on the left. I’ll be best able to cover you from there.” He turned away and called over his shoulder, “Don’t do anything stupid.”
“Ta, mate,” Bodie grumbled under his breath. Maybe he’d misinterpreted Ray’s earlier concern.
The gunrunners arrived and began to unpack their wares. They didn’t realise they were being observed until a lone figure emerged from the shadow of an office doorway. Mallard. Bodie spotted him at the same time as the villains. He fired off a shot to try to divert their attention away from the reporter, but he knew he was too late.
As Doyle watched Mallard walk slowly out of the warehouse office, he moved out of his hiding place to try and get to the man. Everything seemed to move in slow motion. He saw Mallard go down. He heard the familiar report of Bodie’s gun.
“Bloody hell!” He cursed at Bodie for putting himself in harm’s way, not caring that he’d done it to save Mallard. “I told you, you daft bugger, not to do anything stupid!”
He watched as Bodie fell from his perch. The rest of the operation was a blur to him. The gunrunners were rounded up, Mallard was dead and Bodie...
“Bodie!”
Ray knelt down next to his partner, a cold fear in his gut. He watched as Bodie fought to keep his eyes open.
“Did we get ‘em all?” Bodie’s voice was barely a whisper.
“’Course we did. This was your op wasn’t it?” He gently stroked back the fringe of hair on Bodie’s forehead.
“Well, that’s all right then.” Bodie managed a weak smile.
Ray carefully checked Bodie for injuries.
“What hurts, sunshine? Did you get shot?”
“Nah, they missed. Lost my balance and fell. Head hurts.”
Bodie tried to sit up.
“Keep still. You’re probably concussed. Better let the medics make sure there are no other injuries before you move.”
“Yeah. Ray, I...”
“What?”
Silence.
“Bodie. Bodie!”
But Bodie had lost consciousness.
Ray sat next to Bodie’s hospital bed and willed the man to wake up. The job had been a success, but a costly one. There were four villains who would threaten Queen and country no more. Two CI5 agents, including Bodie, had been badly injured. The reporter, who had tipped them off and then got in the way, had paid the ultimate price for his curiosity. And what price was he going to pay? The steady echo of the rain hitting the hospital window lulled Ray into a reflective mood. Why had it all gone wrong between them? They’d been so good together, until that conversation late that night in Bodie’s kitchen, until he’d ruined it by pushing...
“It’s not enough for me, Bodie!” Ray hated the pleading, desperate tone in his voice.
“We agreed, right from the start...” Bodie radiated impatience.
“I need more.”
“Why, Ray? It’s good innit?”
“It’s brilliant. That’s why... ah, bloody hell, Bodie! I lo...”
“Don’t! Don’t say it.”
Now there was anger.
Bodie pushed Ray away and turned his back on his partner.
“I love you, Bodie, and I won’t apologize for that. It’s become more than sex for me.”
There was a stifling silence.
“I can’t give you what you want, Ray.”
“Can’t or won’t?”
“Doesn’t really matter, does it?”
“That’s it then?”
Bodie turned back to face him.
“That’s up to you, Ray. Nothing need change.” Bodie sounded almost hopeful.
“Too late for that." Ray then quietly added, "I’ve changed.”
Hope died.
Ray picked up his jacket and left...
Panicked sounds from the bed snapped Doyle out of his doze.
“No!" A quick indrawn breath and then, "Stop! No!”
He watched as Bodie opened pain-filled eyes and took in his surroundings. He held his own breath until Bodie’s breathing returned to normal.
“Welcome back.”
“Bloody hell, Doyle. How long?” Bodie’s voice was strained, the question almost inaudible.
“Two days.”
Silence.
“Go away, Ray,” Bodie sighed.
“Not likely.”
“Don’t need you here.”
“I know that.”
“Don’t want you here either.” Some of Bodie’s belligerent spirit was re-asserting itself.
Ray lips twitched.
“Know that too.”
“So what are you doin’ here then?” Irritation fighting with fatigue.
“Waiting for a bus.”
No laughter.
“Really, Ray. Why are you here?” Bodie’s words resonated with defeat.
“I owe you.”
“You what?”
“You sat vigil for me, Bodie, brought me back... saved me. I‘m just returnin’ the favour.”
Ray watched as Bodie drifted back into sleep. It didn’t matter what Bodie wanted or didn’t want. There was no way he was going to leave Bodie here in hospital alone.
The riffling of pages greeted Bodie when he woke the next time.
“You still here?”
“Apparently.”
“You look terrible.”
“Ta.”
“What are you reading?”
“Reporter’s notes. Jax found Mallard’s notebook in the warehouse.”
“Ah, the duck that didn’t...”
They both sniggered.
Ray felt a twinge of guilt for laughing at the poor reporter’s fate, but he relaxed a bit too. If Bodie’s dark humour was returning, the man was healing.
He hoped the wound that existed between them would heal as well.
Bodie woke slowly; there were no nightmares this time. The room was dark. The sound of soft rhythmic breathing near his left ear let him know he wasn’t alone. Ray was still there, sleeping, with his head resting next to Bodie’s on the pillow. The rest of the contorted body was somehow sprawled in the orange plastic chair.
“Ray?”
“Hmmm?”
“You awake?”
“I am now.”
Ray made no move to sit up.
“Ray?”
“What?”
“Did you mean it... what you said?”
“That I love you?”
Ray had no trouble guessing where Bodie’s thoughts were going. Almost dying made you rethink some of your most dearly held beliefs.
“Yeah, that.”
Ray sat up and looked at him.
“Prat, of course I meant it, wouldn’t have said it otherwise.” Exasperation rang through his words.
“I have been a prat, and worse. Ray... thanks.”
Ray looked puzzled.
“For what?”
“For staying with me... for not leaving.”
“Couldn’t leave you, Bodie. Flawed or perfect, you’re all I’ve got. Learned that these last few days, didn’t I?”
Ray looked down at his hands, his sadness resonating between them.
“Sunshine?” Bodie whispered and reached out, putting his hand around the back of Ray’s neck. He pulled him into a gentle kiss. Against Ray’s lips he said, “I lied to you.” He rested his forehead against his partner’s. “It’s more than the sex for me too. I was just too afraid to admit it to you... to myself. Forgive me?”
“Ah, you dumb crud!” Ray sat up and took hold of Bodie’s shoulders, gently squeezing them. He moved a hand to caress Bodie’s cheek. “I’ve missed you.”
“You’ll take me back then?” Delight lit Bodie’s eyes.
“Have to, don’t I? No one else would have you.”
I hope more of you will take advantage of this forum and post your own work... if not, you might have to put up with me again! I have more stories and I eat up all the attention!! *VBG*
So, here we go again...
“It’s not enough for me, Bodie!” Ray hated the pleading, desperate tone in his voice.
“We agreed, right from the start...” Bodie radiated impatience.
“I need more.”
“Why, Ray? Its good innit?”
“It’s brilliant. That’s why... ah, bloody hell, Bodie! I lo...”
“Don’t! Don’t say it.”
Now there was anger.
Bodie pushed Ray away and turned his back on his partner.
“I love you, Bodie, and I won’t apologize for that. It’s become more than sex for me.”
There was a stifling silence.
“I can’t give you what you want, Ray.”
“Can’t or won’t?”
“Doesn’t really matter, does it?”
“That’s it then?”
Bodie turned back to face him.
“That’s up to you, Ray. Nothing need change.” Bodie sounded almost hopeful.
“Too late for that." Ray then quietly added, "I’ve changed.”
Hope died.
Ray picked up his jacket.
Bodie winced at the crash of the door as it closed on the best chapter in his life.
Cowley sat back in his chair, twirling his glasses between his fingers, studying the agent seated in front of him.
“Where’s Doyle, 3.7?”
Bodie shrugged, not meeting his boss’ eyes. “Don’t know, sir. We didn’t drive in together today.”
“Well, we can’t hold up Mr Mallard any longer. You’ll have to brief him when he decides to honour us with his presence.” He saw the guilty look flash quickly across Bodie’s face and then watched it disappear just as fast. There was something going on between the two men and he was determined to get to the bottom of it.
The third man in the room cleared his throat and spoke, drawing everyone’s attention.
“Mr Cowley, I assure you, the information I have will be of the utmost interest to you and your organisation.”
“I don’t make deals with the press, Mr Mallard. If you have information dealing with national security, you are under obligation as a citizen to impart it.”
Bodie shifted in his chair, glad for once that it wasn’t him on the receiving end of George Cowley’s ire.
There was a sharp knock on the door and Bodie looked up as Doyle entered the office.
“Glad you could join us, Doyle.”
“Sorry, sir.” He sat down, glaring at his partner. He was late because the bastard hadn’t come by to pick him up and he’d waited, thinking Bodie was running late. But Cowley didn’t accept excuses, so his own annoyance remained unspoken. He turned his attention to the briefing.
“Gentlemen, this is Jeremy Mallard, a reporter with the “Times”. Mr Mallard has some information that is relevant to a current operation. He was just about to disclose that information.” The threat was clear in the Controller’s voice.
“I want something in return for that information… er, sir.” Colour rose in Mallards face.
Bodie nodded in approval. The man either had guts or was daft to demand anything of Cowley.
“And what is it that you would like, Mr Mallard?” Cowley surprised everyone by asking.
“I’d like to be present for the bust. I’ll stay out of the way, but I want to be there.”
“That is not possible. You are a civilian, and I am not about to put you at risk.”
“But…” Mallard wasn’t giving up.
“I will grant you an exclusive interview after the raid is concluded. But you are to stay clear of the actual operation.”
“An interview with whom?”
Ray drew in a surprised breath. He was used to being the one that pushed Cowley.
Ignoring both of them, Cowley nodded towards Bodie. “Mr Bodie is in charge of the current investigation. He’ll be able to give you the background information and then fill you in after the arrests have been made.”
Mallard hesitated for a moment and then spoke, “I guess if that’s the best I can get…”
“It is,” Cowley interrupted.
“An informer of mine has given me information about a gun cache headed to the IRA. I have the time and place of the sale.” Mallard removed a file folder from his briefcase and handed it to Bodie.
Cowley stood, indicating the meeting was over. “Thank you, Mr Mallard. Mr Bodie will be in touch when the guns and their owners have been collected.”
Arriving at the warehouse an hour before the exchange of guns and money was set to go down, Bodie ordered his agents into position around the derelict building.
Watching Bodie’s placement of the men, Doyle asked, “Where are you going to be?”
Bodie was surprised at the question. Doyle hadn’t initiated conversation with him since their row.
“Why?”
“I want to make sure you’re covered.” Ray’s voice was flat, but Bodie felt a moment’s relief. Ray might be as mad as hell at him, but the question showed Ray still cared.
“There.” Bodie pointed to the scaffold above the front entrance.
Ray shook his head, clearly unhappy with the choice.
“It’s the best spot; I can see everything going on and... ” Bodie sounded defensive.
“And everyone can see you.” Ray exhaled harshly. He looked around the warehouse. “I’ll set up behind those crates on the left. I’ll best be able to cover you from there.” He turned away and called over his shoulder, “Don’t do anything stupid.”
“Ta, mate,” Bodie grumbled under his breath. Maybe he’d misinterpreted Ray’s earlier concern.
The gunrunners arrived and began to unpack their wares. They didn’t realise they were being observed until a lone figure emerged from the shadow of an office doorway. Mallard. Bodie spotted him at the same time as the villains. He fired off a shot to try to divert their attention away from the reporter, but he knew he was too late.
As Doyle watched Mallard walk slowly out of the warehouse office, he moved out of his hiding place to try and get to the man. Everything seemed to move in slow motion. He saw Mallard go down. He heard the familiar report of Bodie’s gun.
“Bloody hell!” He cursed at Bodie for putting himself in harm’s way, not caring that he’d done it to save Mallard. “I told you, you daft bugger, not to do anything stupid!” He watched as Bodie fell from his perch. The rest of the operation was a blur to him. The gunrunners were rounded up, Mallard was dead and Bodie...
“Bodie!”
Ray knelt down next to his partner, a cold fear in his gut. He watched as Bodie fought to keep his eyes open.
“Did we get ‘em all?” Bodie’s voice was barely a whisper.
“’Course we did. This was your op wasn’t it?” He gently stroked the fringe of hair on Bodie’s forehead.
“Well, that’s all right then.” Bodie managed a weak smile.
Ray carefully checked Bodie for injuries.
“What hurts, sunshine? Did you get shot?”
“Nah, they missed. Lost my balance and fell. Head hurts.”
Bodie tried to sit up.
“Keep still. You’re probably concussed. Better let the medics make sure there are no other injuries before you move.”
“Yeah. Ray, I...”
“What?”
Silence.
“Bodie. Bodie!”
But Bodie had lost consciousness.
Ray sat next to Bodie’s hospital bed and willed the man to wake up. The job had been a success, but a costly one. There were four villains who would threaten Queen and country no more. Two CI5 agents, including Bodie, had been badly injured. The reporter, who had tipped them off and then got in the way, had paid the ultimate price for his curiosity.
“No!" A quick indrawn breath and then, "Stop! No!”
The panicked sounds from the bed snapped Doyle out of his doze. He watched as Bodie opened pain-filled eyes and took in his surroundings. He held his own breath until Bodie’s breathing returned to normal.
“Welcome back.”
“Bloody hell, Doyle. How long?” Bodie’s voice was strained, the question almost inaudible.
“Two days.”
Silence.
“Go away, Ray,” Bodie sighed.
“Not likely.”
“Don’t need you here.”
“I know that.”
“Don’t want you here either.” Some of Bodie’s belligerent spirit was re-asserting itself.
Ray lips twitched.
“Know that too.”
“So what are you doin’ here then?” Irritation fighting with fatigue.
“Waiting for a bus.”
No laughter.
“Really, Ray. Why are you here?” Bodie’s words resonated with defeat.
“I owe you.”
“You what?”
“You sat vigil for me, Bodie, brought me back... saved me. I‘m just returnin’ the favour.”
Ray watched as Bodie drifted back into sleep. It didn’t matter what Bodie wanted or didn’t want. There was no way he was going to leave Bodie here in hospital alone.
The riffling of pages greeted Bodie when he woke the next time.
“You still here?”
“Apparently.”
“You look terrible.”
“Ta.”
“What are you reading?”
“Reporter’s notes. Jax found Mallard’s notebook in the warehouse.”
“Ah, the duck that didn’t...”
They both sniggered.
Ray felt a twinge of guilt for laughing at the poor reporter’s fate, but he relaxed a bit too. If Bodie’s dark humour was returning, the man was healing.
He hoped the wound that existed between them would heal as well.
Bodie woke slowly; there were no nightmares this time. The room was dark. The sound of soft rhythmic breathing near his left ear let him know he wasn’t alone. Ray was still there, sleeping, with his head resting next to Bodie’s on the pillow. The rest of the contorted body was somehow sprawled in the orange plastic chair.
“Ray?”
“Hmmm?”
“You awake?”
“I am now.”
Ray made no move to sit up.
“Ray?”
“What?”
“Did you mean it... what you said?”
“That I love you?”
Ray had no trouble guessing where Bodie’s thoughts were going. Almost dying made you rethink some of your most dearly held beliefs.
“Yeah, that.”
Ray sat up and looked at him.
“Prat, of course I meant it, wouldn’t have said it otherwise.” Exasperation rang through his words.
“I have been a prat, and worse. Ray... thanks.”
Ray looked puzzled.
“For what?”
“For staying with me... for not leaving.”
“Couldn’t leave you, Bodie. Flawed or perfect, you’re all I’ve got. Learned that these last few days, didn’t I?”
Ray looked down at his hands, his sadness resonating between them.
“Sunshine?” Bodie whispered and reached out, putting his hand around the back of Ray’s neck. He pulled him into a gentle kiss. Against Ray’s lips he said, “I lied to you.” He rested his forehead against his partner’s. “It’s more than the sex for me too. I was just too afraid to admit it to you... to myself. Forgive me?”
“Ah, you dumb crud!” Ray sat up and took hold of Bodie’s shoulders, gently squeezing them. He moved a hand to caress Bodie’s cheek. “I’ve missed you.”
“You’ll take me back then?” Delight lit Bodie’s eyes.
“Have to, don’t I? No one else would have you.”
END
Cowley leaned back in his chair, twirling his glasses between his fingers, studying the agent seated in front of him.
“Where’s Doyle, 3.7?”
Bodie shrugged, not meeting his boss’ eyes. “Don’t know, sir. We didn’t drive in together today.”
Cowley grunted, as if receiving confirmation of some veiled thought, and slid his glasses back on.
“Well, we can’t hold up Mr Mallard any longer,” he looked up. “You’ll have to brief him when he honours us with his presence.” He saw the guilty look flash quickly across Bodie’s face and then watched it disappear just as fast. There was something going on between the two men and he was determined to get to the bottom of it.
The third man in the room cleared his throat and began to speak, drawing everyone’s attention.
“Mr Cowley, I assure you, the information I have will be of the utmost interest to you and your organisation.”
“I don’t make deals with the press, Mr Mallard. If you have information dealing with national security, you are under obligation as a citizen to impart it.”
Bodie shifted in his chair, glad for once that it wasn’t him on the receiving end of George Cowley’s ire.
There was a sharp knock on the door and Bodie looked up as Doyle entered the office.
“Glad you could join us, Doyle.” Cowley’s eyes communicated the irritation his voice did not.
“Sorry, sir.” He sat down, glaring at his partner. He was late because the bastard hadn’t come by to pick him up and he’d waited, thinking Bodie was running late. But Cowley didn’t accept excuses, so his own annoyance remained unspoken. He turned his attention to the briefing.
“Gentlemen, this is Jeremy Mallard, a reporter with the “Times”. Mr Mallard has some information that is relevant to a current operation. He was just about to disclose that information.” The threat was clear in the Controller’s voice.
“I want something in return for that information… er, sir.” Colour rose in Mallards face.
Bodie nodded in approval. The man either had guts or was daft to demand anything of Cowley.
“And what is it that you would like, Mr Mallard?” Cowley surprised everyone by asking.
“I’d like to be present for the bust. I’ll stay out of the way, but I want to be there.”
“That is not possible. You are a civilian, and I am not about to put you at risk.”
“But…” Mallard wasn’t giving up.
“I will grant you an exclusive interview after the raid is concluded. But you are to stay clear of the actual operation.”
“An interview with whom?”
Ray drew in a surprised breath. He was used to being the one that pushed Cowley.
Ignoring both of them, Cowley nodded towards Bodie. “Mr Bodie is in charge of the current investigation. He’ll be able to give you the background information and then fill you in after the arrests have been made.”
Mallard hesitated for a moment and then spoke, “I guess if that’s the best I can get…”
“It is,” Cowley interrupted.
Mallard sighed in resignation. “An informer of mine has given me information about a gun cache headed to the IRA. I have the time and place of the sale.” Mallard removed a file folder from his briefcase and handed it to Bodie.
Cowley stood, indicating the meeting was over. “Thank you, Mr Mallard. Mr Bodie will be in touch when the guns and their owners have been collected.”
Arriving at the warehouse an hour before the exchange of guns and money was set to go down, Bodie ordered his agents into position around the derelict building.
Watching Bodie’s placement of the men, Doyle asked, “Where are you going to be?”
Bodie was surprised at the question. Doyle hadn’t initiated conversation with him since their row.
“Why?”
“I want to make sure you’re covered.” Ray’s voice was flat, but Bodie felt a moment’s relief. Ray might be as mad as hell at him, but the question showed Ray still cared.
“There.” Bodie pointed to the scaffold above the front entrance.
Ray shook his head, clearly unhappy with the choice.
“It’s the best spot; I can see everything going on and... ” Bodie sounded defensive.
“And everyone can see you.” Ray exhaled harshly. He looked around the warehouse. “I’ll set up behind those crates on the left. I’ll be best able to cover you from there.” He turned away and called over his shoulder, “Don’t do anything stupid.”
“Ta, mate,” Bodie grumbled under his breath. Maybe he’d misinterpreted Ray’s earlier concern.
The gunrunners arrived and began to unpack their wares. They didn’t realise they were being observed until a lone figure emerged from the shadow of an office doorway. Mallard. Bodie spotted him at the same time as the villains. He fired off a shot to try to divert their attention away from the reporter, but he knew he was too late.
As Doyle watched Mallard walk slowly out of the warehouse office, he moved out of his hiding place to try and get to the man. Everything seemed to move in slow motion. He saw Mallard go down. He heard the familiar report of Bodie’s gun.
“Bloody hell!” He cursed at Bodie for putting himself in harm’s way, not caring that he’d done it to save Mallard. “I told you, you daft bugger, not to do anything stupid!”
He watched as Bodie fell from his perch. The rest of the operation was a blur to him. The gunrunners were rounded up, Mallard was dead and Bodie...
“Bodie!”
Ray knelt down next to his partner, a cold fear in his gut. He watched as Bodie fought to keep his eyes open.
“Did we get ‘em all?” Bodie’s voice was barely a whisper.
“’Course we did. This was your op wasn’t it?” He gently stroked back the fringe of hair on Bodie’s forehead.
“Well, that’s all right then.” Bodie managed a weak smile.
Ray carefully checked Bodie for injuries.
“What hurts, sunshine? Did you get shot?”
“Nah, they missed. Lost my balance and fell. Head hurts.”
Bodie tried to sit up.
“Keep still. You’re probably concussed. Better let the medics make sure there are no other injuries before you move.”
“Yeah. Ray, I...”
“What?”
Silence.
“Bodie. Bodie!”
But Bodie had lost consciousness.
Ray sat next to Bodie’s hospital bed and willed the man to wake up. The job had been a success, but a costly one. There were four villains who would threaten Queen and country no more. Two CI5 agents, including Bodie, had been badly injured. The reporter, who had tipped them off and then got in the way, had paid the ultimate price for his curiosity. And what price was he going to pay? The steady echo of the rain hitting the hospital window lulled Ray into a reflective mood. Why had it all gone wrong between them? They’d been so good together, until that conversation late that night in Bodie’s kitchen, until he’d ruined it by pushing...
“It’s not enough for me, Bodie!” Ray hated the pleading, desperate tone in his voice.
“We agreed, right from the start...” Bodie radiated impatience.
“I need more.”
“Why, Ray? It’s good innit?”
“It’s brilliant. That’s why... ah, bloody hell, Bodie! I lo...”
“Don’t! Don’t say it.”
Now there was anger.
Bodie pushed Ray away and turned his back on his partner.
“I love you, Bodie, and I won’t apologize for that. It’s become more than sex for me.”
There was a stifling silence.
“I can’t give you what you want, Ray.”
“Can’t or won’t?”
“Doesn’t really matter, does it?”
“That’s it then?”
Bodie turned back to face him.
“That’s up to you, Ray. Nothing need change.” Bodie sounded almost hopeful.
“Too late for that." Ray then quietly added, "I’ve changed.”
Hope died.
Ray picked up his jacket and left...
Panicked sounds from the bed snapped Doyle out of his doze.
“No!" A quick indrawn breath and then, "Stop! No!”
He watched as Bodie opened pain-filled eyes and took in his surroundings. He held his own breath until Bodie’s breathing returned to normal.
“Welcome back.”
“Bloody hell, Doyle. How long?” Bodie’s voice was strained, the question almost inaudible.
“Two days.”
Silence.
“Go away, Ray,” Bodie sighed.
“Not likely.”
“Don’t need you here.”
“I know that.”
“Don’t want you here either.” Some of Bodie’s belligerent spirit was re-asserting itself.
Ray lips twitched.
“Know that too.”
“So what are you doin’ here then?” Irritation fighting with fatigue.
“Waiting for a bus.”
No laughter.
“Really, Ray. Why are you here?” Bodie’s words resonated with defeat.
“I owe you.”
“You what?”
“You sat vigil for me, Bodie, brought me back... saved me. I‘m just returnin’ the favour.”
Ray watched as Bodie drifted back into sleep. It didn’t matter what Bodie wanted or didn’t want. There was no way he was going to leave Bodie here in hospital alone.
The riffling of pages greeted Bodie when he woke the next time.
“You still here?”
“Apparently.”
“You look terrible.”
“Ta.”
“What are you reading?”
“Reporter’s notes. Jax found Mallard’s notebook in the warehouse.”
“Ah, the duck that didn’t...”
They both sniggered.
Ray felt a twinge of guilt for laughing at the poor reporter’s fate, but he relaxed a bit too. If Bodie’s dark humour was returning, the man was healing.
He hoped the wound that existed between them would heal as well.
Bodie woke slowly; there were no nightmares this time. The room was dark. The sound of soft rhythmic breathing near his left ear let him know he wasn’t alone. Ray was still there, sleeping, with his head resting next to Bodie’s on the pillow. The rest of the contorted body was somehow sprawled in the orange plastic chair.
“Ray?”
“Hmmm?”
“You awake?”
“I am now.”
Ray made no move to sit up.
“Ray?”
“What?”
“Did you mean it... what you said?”
“That I love you?”
Ray had no trouble guessing where Bodie’s thoughts were going. Almost dying made you rethink some of your most dearly held beliefs.
“Yeah, that.”
Ray sat up and looked at him.
“Prat, of course I meant it, wouldn’t have said it otherwise.” Exasperation rang through his words.
“I have been a prat, and worse. Ray... thanks.”
Ray looked puzzled.
“For what?”
“For staying with me... for not leaving.”
“Couldn’t leave you, Bodie. Flawed or perfect, you’re all I’ve got. Learned that these last few days, didn’t I?”
Ray looked down at his hands, his sadness resonating between them.
“Sunshine?” Bodie whispered and reached out, putting his hand around the back of Ray’s neck. He pulled him into a gentle kiss. Against Ray’s lips he said, “I lied to you.” He rested his forehead against his partner’s. “It’s more than the sex for me too. I was just too afraid to admit it to you... to myself. Forgive me?”
“Ah, you dumb crud!” Ray sat up and took hold of Bodie’s shoulders, gently squeezing them. He moved a hand to caress Bodie’s cheek. “I’ve missed you.”
“You’ll take me back then?” Delight lit Bodie’s eyes.
“Have to, don’t I? No one else would have you.”
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no subject
Date: 2012-01-20 08:18 am (UTC)I rather think I prefer the second one, but I've a couple of suggestions relating to where you've put the flashback, which might make it read a little more dramatically. At the moment it gets a little lost in Doyle's thoughts, and in fact I was a little confused about who'd been thinking it at all, because in the next paragraph Bodie's having a nightmare - and a bit of my head was saying surely that was Bodie's nightmare?, especially as it's Bodie worrying about Doyle taking him back. So...
- italicise from “It’s not enough for me, Bodie!” all the way down to Ray picked up his jacket and left.... Putting the flashback in italics immediately alerts the reader that something different is going on, that they're out of the story for a moment on purpose, and that they're supposed to be there. (Also, drop the ellipsis on the end - it's something final that's happened there, it's a jolt of a moment, it's the end. Having a dot-dot-dot on the end actually prolongs the action/reader's thought, makes it trail off indecisively.)
- move this: The job had been a success, but a costly one. There were four villains who would threaten Queen and country no more. Two CI5 agents, including Bodie, had been badly injured. The reporter, who had tipped them off and then got in the way, had paid the ultimate price for his curiosity. And what price was he going to pay? up to follow on from “’Course we did. This was your op wasn’t it?” He gently stroked back the fringe of hair on Bodie’s forehead. That way Doyle is answering Bodie's question differently in his own head, and thus explaining to us what happened, but we also interpret it as bitterness on Doyle's part, that they got the job done, but look at the cost, and we see that he's reassuring/comforting Bodie rather than saying what he really thinks...
- delete the rest of the paragraph Ray sat next to Bodie’s hospital bed ...until that conversation late that night in Bodie’s kitchen, until he’d ruined it by pushing..., because a) you don't need it if you've moved the other bits! and b) this intro to the flashback made it explanation rather than showing us. Let the flashback become Bodie's nightmare, which tells us at the same time what the problem is between them. You could throw in the odd bit of description to let us know it happened in Bodie's kitchen. E.g.: "“We agreed, right from the start...” Bodie radiated impatience, staring across his kitchen to where Doyle frowned back at him."
I hope that makes sense - and as always, it's just a suggestion, but its because I do think you could use a sudden moment of drama in the narrative, before it all starts to resolve, and this might do it...
no subject
Date: 2012-01-20 12:03 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2012-01-20 08:46 am (UTC)There's still an American "apologize"...
If you have information dealing with national security, you are under obligation as a citizen to impart it.
No! Just... no! This really disrupted the story for me! People's patriotism isn't appealed to by calling them "citizens" over here, that's very much an American thing - in fact there's barely such a thing as a "British citizen" outside the immigration debate. And there's absolutely no "obligation" (legal or moral) for someone to divulge information just on the basis of being British - that's very un-Brit!
Actually I'm not even sure Cowley would talk about "national security" in relation to the IRA - that's more of a spy-thing really, national security vs international affairs. It's not really used about home affairs/the IRA/etc.
I can more hear Cowley saying something like - "People could be hurt, Mr Mallard, isn't it your duty to try and prevent that? Tell us what you know..." The onus in the UK is (well, was back then, from everything I've seen and read) on the idea of "duty" - it's more a personal honour thing, to have "done your duty", probably going back to the first and second world wars, where people were encouraged to "do your duty" to help the war effort. I'd say "obligation" and "citizen" are very much American issues that appeal to things that arose in American history - they're not world-wide (and in fact people will often react against them, as to other people it comes across as exclusionist!).
no subject
Date: 2012-01-20 10:19 am (UTC)I like slantedlight's suggestion. But I'm starting to wonder whether a reporter would even ask to go in with CI5 or whether he'd just show up on the quiet. Cowley agreeing to an interview is a bit of a surprise, too. Still, I suppose it's The Times. Very respectable, very establishment, pre-Murdoch.
Still thinking about which version!
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Date: 2012-01-20 10:28 am (UTC)Yeah, but I was talking about the realism of whether he would need to say it/whether it would occur to him to phrase it that way/whether it would have any meaning to Mallard (or anyone else) if he did! It's not the wording I have issue with, it's the concept...
whether a reporter would even ask to go in with CI5 or whether he'd just show up on the quiet
You've been listening to the Inquiry too long... *g* I can well imagine a reporter thinking that if he went through official channels, proved himself and gave a good write-up, he might be invited along on other busts and become the "official CI5" reporter. Of course Cowley'd never allow it, but I can imagine a reporter having a go... and then deciding to go anyway, as Mallard does... *g*
no subject
Date: 2012-01-20 10:42 am (UTC)As to whether he needs to say anything, at that moment he doesn't know it's IRA-related, does he? Just something like "If you have something to tell me, Mr Mallard, get on with it" would do.
Reporter behaviour - wasn't actually thinking about the Inquiry, actually, I was just remembering the difference between The Times of the seventies and The Times of now! Did reporters actually go along on any kind of police (or whatever) raids? Yeah, perhaps if it was a slightly young and naïve reporter, who didn't realise how vanishingly unlikely it was, he might ask. I dunno, I'm still doubtful. I would have thought that a reporter would rather be independent of any CI5 corralling into "just wait here, Mr Mallard", and by showing up on the quiet he'd have more freedom to move - and take pictures, even.
no subject
Date: 2012-01-20 11:05 am (UTC)No, Cowley doesn't yet know it's IRA-related, but CI5's remit is still domestic rather than international, for all the two are sometimes tangled. But I think you're still misunderstanding me - I'm not talking about whether he needs to say anything about national security, I'm talking about the wording of it - again, the realism of the wording of it. In all my readings and watchings of such situations (granted all fictional, none in real life - but I suspect few of us have such real life experience...) I've never heard anyone from around the Pros era here here in the UK talk about "a matter of national security" or "your obligation as a citizen of this country" - to me that's very American language, and as such Cowley wouldn't use it. He'd be talking about national security, but he wouldn't use those words. If he wanted to convince someone to act patriotically he'd talk about doing their duty; if he wanted to talk about national security he'd make it more human or specific.
And no, I wasn't think of reporters of today going along on big police-umentary type busts, I too was thinking of reporters/The Times in the seventies... It did occur before "now", albeit in a different way. And I do think a reporter might take a chance on getting "the inside scoop", in case he could do it where others failed. Mallard obviously had the nous to get through to Cowley in the first place (though that's not part of the story), so he's got something, as they say... I'm sure Cowley wouldn't agree to meet with every reporter who wanted information etc. But they'd also be aware that there would be different information available via the two methods (acting with CI5 cf acting independently), and why would they be averse to exploiting what they can? I think you can get too bogged down in things like this - there are imaginable reasons a reporter might be granted a meeting with Cowley (involvement in another case, distant family connection, bloke who lives next door and got chatting, Cowley used him first when he needed specific coverage and feels Mallard could be useful enough to keep sweet to a certain extent) but they're not part of the story, and so I don't think Merentha needs to get into them via explanation. If something's totally ludicrous then it's worth questioning, but not if it can be explained via another sub-story (that's told in the reader's head, in mini-seconds that aren't even noticed).
no subject
Date: 2012-01-20 11:22 am (UTC)Right. Coffee. And jobs. And stuff. And reading of print-outs - much easier to compare the two versions on paper!
no subject
Date: 2012-01-20 12:08 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2012-01-20 05:42 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2012-01-20 12:08 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2012-01-20 12:18 pm (UTC)In theory you could use either, in reality many/most Brits would look at "apologize" and think "American!" *g*
no subject
Date: 2012-01-20 12:32 pm (UTC)Apologise looks better to me, but if I were submitting to the Oxford University Press, for example, I would expect to see it changed to -ize, because their house style is to go for -ize nearly every time. I've just checked their Dictionary for Writers and Editors, and it specifically includes "apologize - not -ise".
There are two *pages* on "-ize, -ise in verbs" (and a separate entry on "-ise") in Fowler's (Fowler's Modern English Usage; I have a 1990s edition; it's lovely and avoids too much prescriptivism), which goes into Greek infinitival endings and how the history of the word's progression through languages affects the endings, mentions the OUP's preference for -ize, contrasts that with Cambridge University Press going for -ise, and concludes "The matter remains delicately balanced but unresolved. The primary rule is that all words of the type authorize/authorise, civilize/civilise, legalize/legalise may legitimately be spelt with either -ize or -ise throughout the English-speaking world except in America, where -ize is compulsory."
So there you go :) I like apologise, myself.
no subject
Date: 2012-01-20 12:57 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2012-01-20 01:01 pm (UTC)I didn't know that - thank you very much. Of course I must wonder if their house style was the same in 1977...
no subject
Date: 2012-01-20 01:15 pm (UTC)They've been doing it for a while *g*
However I think most British readers would be more familiar/comfortable with -ise from general usage.
no subject
Date: 2012-01-20 05:47 pm (UTC)Interesting pov from the OED there - we've (you and me, KWS!) talked before about how spellings came from the UK, went to the US and then either did or didn't come back again, but I'm surprised the OED is making the case for the "original" 15th Century spelling meaning that both are currently equally as valid, with neither having added connotations... Whatever they say, people do make the distinction between -ise and -ize, you've only got to google "apologise vs apologize" to see that!
no subject
Date: 2012-01-20 07:20 pm (UTC)And they do use 'z' but not very often, it seems. :)
no subject
Date: 2012-01-21 05:15 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2012-01-20 09:12 am (UTC)The only thing that still bothers me is the snigger. In Brit usage it has connotations not just of schoolboy humour (which I agree they would use) but of a kind of mild malevolence towards Mallard. As he was a civilian, however stupid, I think that would be a less than 'professional' response, even in private. I don't question your love of the word, just its appropriateness here.
Well done, whichever version you decide to go with, and thanks for letting us 'cut our teeth' on you. Beta by committee is a strange and exciting concept and you've been a fantastic victim!!
no subject
Date: 2012-01-20 09:22 am (UTC)- they're laughing at a man who'd helped them and they'd shown no previous animosity toward (eg, when Doyle half-laughed in First Night about Bodie's "ear" joke, it wasn't about someone they knew or had met, an "ordinary" person, it was about someone distanced from them - an "official" who is always slightly "the enemy");
- Doyle seems to be "sniggering" about something he reflects on elsewhere as part of the "huge cost" of the op. Would he laugh at something he feels badly about?
- "snigger" does imply not only a laugh/schoolboy humour, but as Moth says, making malevolent fun of someone - it's more about teasing than simply being amused, if you know what I mean.
Maybe something like: “Ah, the duck that didn’t...” They exchanged rueful smiles.
no subject
Date: 2012-01-20 10:26 am (UTC)Again, exchanging wry grins, looking ruefully at each other, even an abruptly terminated bark of almost-laughter, but sniggered does sound like they are laughing at him, not at the name.
no subject
Date: 2012-01-20 12:16 pm (UTC)Thanks for your kind words! I don't feel like a victim (but I know what you mean! *g*)
no subject
Date: 2012-01-20 11:26 am (UTC)Whichever version you eventually chose, its coming along nicely:)
no subject
Date: 2012-01-20 12:14 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2012-01-20 06:03 pm (UTC)Actually giving us the "big grab" first in first version takes away some of the drama, I think - the only thing the reader wonders about then is whether it can be fixed. In your second version we're emotionally involved in two ways, but by giving away your "big grab" we're actually less intrigued!
You could bump up the drama of the opening to the second version by slightly changing Bodie's reaction to Cowley. You've got
Bodie shrugged, not meeting his boss’ eyes. “Don’t know, sir. We didn’t drive in together today.”
Cowley grunted, as if receiving confirmation of some veiled thought, and slid his glasses back on.
“Well, we can’t hold up Mr Mallard any longer,” he looked up. “You’ll have to brief him when he honours us with his presence.” He saw the guilty look flash quickly across Bodie’s face and then watched it disappear just as fast. There was something going on between the two men and he was determined to get to the bottom of it.
...
There was a sharp knock on the door and Bodie looked up as Doyle entered the office.
...
“Sorry, sir.” He sat down, glaring at his partner. He was late because the bastard hadn’t come by to pick him up and he’d waited, thinking Bodie was running late. (I've missed out the non-lads bits, obviously!)
That also slightly gives the game away by telling us that there's a problem between them. You can build drama by working us up to it a little more, for example:
Bodie shrugged, not meeting his boss’ eyes. “Don’t know, sir.”
Cowley stared at him for a moment, then grunted, and slid his glasses back on.
“Well, we can’t hold up Mr Mallard any longer,” he looked up. “You’ll have to brief him when he honours us with his presence.” A guilty look flashed across Bodie’s face and disappeared just as fast. There was something going on between the two men...
[...]
There was a sharp knock on the door and Bodie looked up, then just as quickly away as Doyle entered the office.
[...]
“Sorry, sir.” He sat down, glaring at his partner. Where the hell had he been while Doyle was waiting, cold and getting colder, on his doorstep that morning?
It'd be leaving us to work out what's going on, making us do a bit more of the work, and feeling clever when we realise we've got it right you see - that can be "grabby" in a story too. We realise at the end that Doyle's late because Bodie didn't pick him up - that Bodie feels guilty about it but he's being stubborn. Doyle trusted him to behave as usual, but Bodie didn't - so Bodie must be really annoyed with him. What's Doyle done? Even Cowley's noticed... This continues through your next sections, until finally we get the flashback, which explains it, and also prompts them to make up...
Well, that's what I reckon, anyway... *g*
no subject
Date: 2012-01-21 12:22 am (UTC)Simple changes like that make all the difference in a story.
no subject
Date: 2012-01-21 05:22 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2012-01-20 05:36 pm (UTC)OK – first one
Typos and punctuation:
“Why, Ray? Its good innit?” It’s good
Apologize – apologise [all discussion about –ise/-ize noted – I’m old enough to write ise!]
under obligation – under an obligation [comments on whether this should be included or not also noted]
the “Times – “The Times”
Mallards face. – Mallard’s face
Suggestions:
the arrests have been made – I think Cowley would not be so certain (I think as a Scot he is likely to be superstitious) and so I would suggest “at the conclusion of the operation”
his agents – suggest “his team”
I don’t have a problem with the flash back element anyway, so this reads fine to me from that point of view. I love this story, I think you’ve got the dialogue right (with the added descriptions), the characterisation is spot on and the plot is sufficiently detailed to both keep interest and give the story some substance. At no point did I feel “thrown out” of the story.
Second version – I agree with you, Merentha, there is not the “big grab” at the start which I liked, however it does have (as noted by Margaret_r) the element of keeping us guessing.
I like them both, please can you archive them so that I can put them on my Kindle??!!
I can't seem to make the text italics or coloured to differentiate ... hope this is understandable.
no subject
Date: 2012-01-21 05:25 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2012-01-20 06:56 pm (UTC)Things I did pick up on: vague punctuation niggles.
I tend to distinguish between ellipses and dashes in dialogue. To me, one is a trailing off (ellipses, dot dot dot). And the other is something that breaks off, often due to an interruption. So in the comment:
"It's brilliant. That's why... ah bloody hell, Bodie! I lo..."
I think I would write
"It's brilliant. That's why... ah, bloody hell, Bodie! I lo--"
I might also capitalise the "Ah, bloody hell", but I am less sure about that.
Similarly, Bodie justifying his choice of position. If he's tailing off, either due to uncertainty or because he expects Doyle to fill in the rest himself, ellipses are fine. If Doyle interrupts - and I didn't quite see whether he did - then I think it is clearer with "I can see everything going on and--".
Also in punctuation, I think there is a distinction between "the reporter who had (done stuff) had paid the ultimate price" and "the reporter, who had (done stuff), had paid the ultimate price. But now that we know already who and what he is and did, is there any need for that clause at all? Would just "the reporter had paid the ultimate price for his curiosity" serve?
no subject
Date: 2012-01-21 05:36 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2012-01-20 07:01 pm (UTC)A "file folder". Never having worked in a real office, I don't know. Do you need both words here, or will just one of them do?
Cowley on "when the guns and their owners have been collected" - perhaps apprehended?
"Doyle hadn't initiated conversation with him since their row" - this is more niggling in the second version, when this is the first we hear of it. Might the row sound better? It gives it a little more impact, I think.
no subject
Date: 2012-01-21 05:38 pm (UTC)I do work in an office and have a desk covered with file folders! I think I could have used files instead - again, stating the obvious!
no subject
Date: 2012-01-20 07:18 pm (UTC)Doyle, mid-row. "It's become more than sex for me". Maybe it's me, but I wonder about "become". "It's not just sex for me. Not any more" gets rid of the become.
Cowley in the office, when Mallard is pushing. Might he reinforce things with a "Mr Mallard, I will grant you an exclusive interview...".
Doyle to Bodie, "I told you, you daft bugger, not to do anything stupid". Something about the little clause in the middle and then a return to the main clause is bothering me. I would either rearrange or rephrase this, but it may just be me. Either I told you not to do anything stupid, you daft bugger! / You daft bugger, I told you not to do anything stupid! or I told you, you daft bugger, don't do anything stupid!
And after Bodie wakes up. "I have been a prat, and worse" is still quite contained and grammatical for someone groping for words. I wonder about "Yeah, alright. I was a prat.
no subject
Date: 2012-01-20 07:28 pm (UTC)In the scene in the office, you start with Bodie reaction: he shifts in his seat. He looks up when Doyle arrives. So is it worth adding something when he realises he's just been deputed to give an interview to the press? Even just "Bodie refrained from comment at this news"?
I'm really sorry that I can't give a sensible opinion on which version is the better. I'm fascinated by slantedlight's suggestions on how to increase the drama: they work really well.
Anyway, enough from me! Thanks for going through this!
no subject
Date: 2012-01-21 05:45 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2012-01-22 02:32 pm (UTC)right at the beginning.
All in all, you've made a lot of changes! I think most of them for the better, although I'm not sure about the additional bits in the dialog
(who's speaking and how). I kind of wanders away from the original dialog fic idea I think.
no subject
Date: 2012-01-23 03:16 pm (UTC)At the moment I prefer the non-flashback version, but that might be because of where the flashback is, and very possibly slantedlight's suggestions might remedy that. I may still vote for the non-flashback version though, because I like it and I think the pacing is great. But whichever way you decide to do it, this is a good story and it flows really well now that you've done your editing.
Also, I can't remember if this is in your first version or not, but I particularly noticed this line today:
"Bodie winced at the crash of the door as it closed on the best chapter in his life."
That's a nice line: it captures his feelings so neatly and is beautifully sad. It also gives an impression of 'knows he feels bad but doesn't quite know why yet,' which I like. :)