Reports from Beta Central - First Beta: Sounds by Merentha13

[merentha13.livejournal.com]

This story was an attempt to do a mostly dialogue type fic. I enjoy them and wanted to give it a go. Quick summary: Despite a strained relationship, Ray is bedside as Bodie recovers from injuries sustained in an op.

Any comments, suggestions, etc are welcome. As this is our first beta in this forum, please feel free to be as critical or supportive as you like. I don't mind using my fic as a springboard to discuss how future beta's should go. (And I've been told I have a pretty thick skin! *g*) My main goal is to improve my writing and my portrayal of the lads. Let me know what you think!



“No!" A quick indrawn breath and then, "Stop! No!”
The panicked sounds from the bed snapped Doyle out of his doze. He watched as blue eyes opened and took in their surroundings. He waited until Bodie’s breathing returned to normal.
“Welcome back.”
“Bloody hell, Doyle. How long this time?”
“Two days.”
Silence.
“Go away, Ray.”
“Not likely.”
“Don’t need you here.”
“I know that.”
“Don’t want you here either.”
“Know that too.”
“So what are you doin’ here then?”
“Waiting for a bus.”
No laughter.
“Really, Ray. Why are you here?” Bodie’s words resonated with defeat.
“I owe you.”
“You never...”
“You sat vigil for me, Bodie, brought me back... saved me. ‘m just returnin’ the favour.”
Ray watched as Bodie drifted back into sleep. It didn’t matter what Bodie wanted or didn’t want. There was no way he was going to leave Bodie here in hospital alone.

*****
The job had been a success, but a costly one. There were four villains who would threaten Queen and country no more. Two CI5 agents, including Bodie, had been badly injured. The reporter, who had tipped them off and then had got in the way, had paid the ultimate price for his curiosity.

The ruffling of pages turning greeted Bodie when he woke again.
“You still here?”
“Apparently.”
“You look terrible.”
“Ta.”
“What are you reading?”
“Reporter’s notes... Jax found Mallard’s notebook in the warehouse.”
“Ah, the duck that didn’t...duck”
They both sniggered.
Ray felt a twinge of guilt for laughing at the poor reporter’s fate, but he relaxed a bit too. If Bodie’s dark humour was returning, the man was healing.
Now if they could only heal the wound that existed between them.

The steady echo of the rain hitting the hospital window lulled Ray into a reflective mood. Why had it all gone wrong? They’d been so good together, until that conversation late that night in Bodie’s kitchen, until he’d ruined it by pushing...

“It’s not enough for me anymore, Bodie!” Ray hated the pleading, desperate tone in his voice.
“We agreed, right from the start...” Bodie radiated impatience.
“I need more.”
“Why, Ray? It’s good innit?”
“It’s brilliant. That’s why... ah, bloody hell, Bodie! I lo...”
“Don’t! Don’t say it.”
Now there was anger.
Bodie pushed Ray away and turned his back on his partner.
“I love you, Bodie and I won’t apologize for that. It’s become more than just sex for me.”
There was a stifling silence.
“I can’t give you what you want, Ray.”
“Can’t or won’t?”
“Doesn’t really matter, does it?”
“That’s it then?”
Bodie turned back to face him.
“That’s up to you, Ray. Nothing need change.” Bodie sounded almost hopeful.
“Too late for that." Ray then quietly added, "I’ve changed.”
Hope died.
Ray picked up his jacket.
Bodie winced at the crash of the door as it closed on the best thing in his life.

***
It should have been a simple clean-up operation. Jeremy Mallard, a reporter for the “Times”, had received information about a gun cache that was going to be sold to the IRA. He had approached Cowley hoping to be allowed along the on bust. Cowley had taken the information, but made it clear that Mallard was to stay away. Cowley would make sure that Mallard received an exclusive interview afterwards.

CI5 arrived at the warehouse about an hour before the sale was to take place. Bodie was in charge of the operation and took station on a scaffold over the front entrance. Doyle and the rest of the agents were spread out around the derelict building. The gunrunners arrived a bit early and began to unpack their wares. Mallard, ignoring Cowley’s instructions, tried to sneak into the warehouse through a side door. He was spotted by both CI5 and the villains.

The reverberation of gunshots brought Doyle out of his hiding place behind a stack of crates in time to see Bodie fall from his perch. The rest of the operation was a blur to him. He walked through it on auto-pilot. The gunrunners were rounded up, Mallard was dead and Bodie...

“Bodie!”
Ray knelt down next to his partner. His stomach clenched in fear. The blue eyes were open.
“Did we get ‘em all?” Bodie’s voice was barely a whisper.
“’Course we did. This was your op wasn’t it?”
“Well that’s all right then.” Bodie managed a weak smile.
Ray carefully checked Bodie for injuries.
“What hurts, sunshine? Did you get shot?”
“Nah, they missed. Lost my balance and fell. Head hurts.”
Bodie tried to sit up.
“Keep still. You’re probably concussed. Better let the medics make sure there are no other injuries before you move.”
“Yeah. Ray, I...”
“What?”
Silence.
“Bodie. Bodie!”
But Bodie didn’t regain consciousness for two days.

***

The nightmare woke Bodie. The room was dark. The sound of soft rhythmic breathing near his left ear let him know he wasn’t alone. Ray was still there and had fallen asleep with his head resting next to Bodie’s on the pillow. The rest of the contorted body was still sprawled in the orange plastic chair.
“Ray?”
“hmmm?”
“You awake?”
“I am now.”
Ray made no move to sit up.
“Ray?”
“What?”
“Did you mean it... what you said?”
“That I love you?”
Ray had no trouble guessing where Bodie’s thoughts were going. Almost dying made you rethink some of your most dearly held beliefs.
“Yeah, that.”
Ray sat up and looked at him.
“Prat, of course I meant it, wouldn’t have said it otherwise.” Exasperation rang through his words.
“I have been a prat, and worse. Ray... thanks.”
Ray looked puzzled.
“For what?”
“For staying with me... for not leaving.”
“Couldn’t leave you, Bodie. Flawed or perfect, you’re all I’ve got. Learned that these last few days, didn’t I?”
Ray looked down at his hands, his sadness resonating between them.
“Sunshine?” Bodie breathed as he reached out and put his hand around the back of Ray’s neck. He pulled him into a gentle kiss. Against Ray’s lips he said “I lied to you.” He rested his forehead against his partner’s. “It’s more than the sex for me too. I was just too afraid to admit it to you... to myself. Forgive me?”
“Ah, you dumb crud!” Ray sat up and took hold of Bodie’s shoulders, gently squeezing them. He moved a hand to caress Bodie’s cheek. “I’ve missed you.”
“You’ll take me back then?” Delight lit Bodie’s eyes as he realized he was forgiven.
“Have to don’t I? No one else would have you.”



Title: Sounds
Author: Merentha13
Pairing: Bodie/Doyle
Disclaimer:Just borrowing the lads, no copyright infringement intended
Warnings: none

Comments

[kiwisue.livejournal.com]

Hi! I seem to be first? I was hoping to have someone else kick off with some ideas we could bounce around *g*. Too bad :(

OK, I have a question to begin with. I wondered if there was a reason for not putting a bit of a space between paragraphs. I stand to be corrected here, but I do think that a space of some sort(not necessarily a full line) helps the look and ease of reading.

Just so you know, I'm only going to put one or two points in a comment. Maybe discussion might start to be a bit free-flowing if we have threads for ideas? Worth a try anyway.

[byslantedlight.livejournal.com]

Right - *jumps in too*

Good idea to stick to one point for each comment actually, rather than a reel of stuff - that way if someone else has already mentioned it, we can add a "Yes, I think so too", or else discuss it... which is what I'm about to do! *g*

The way the story is showing up for me, is with a line space between all paragraphs, except those which are just dialogue. I definitely agree that if you're writing in block paragraph style (which really we have to do on lj, cos it won't accept 5 blank spaces for a paragraph tab) you need a line between each paragraph. But I wonder if M left them out on purpose, hoping it would make the dialogue easier to read? I'm not sure whether that works or not, to be honest - on the one hand, we have the quotation marks to show change of character, and I do find it easier to read single line spacing when the lines are short - and easier to flick my eyes back up the screen if I forget who's supposed to be speaking, so I can recalibrate myself! On the other hand, I don't think it would seem nearly so clear if they had more to say in each line, and of course it does break actual rules of writing structure (afaik)...

[kiwisue.livejournal.com]

Typos & style issues

the duck that didn’t...duck needs a space before the second duck.

The reporter, who had tipped them off and then had got in the way, had paid the ultimate price for his curiosity. I freely admit to having problems with comma placement. I'm always getting picked up on something. Here, though, I think the commas are unnecessary, i.e. not required to convey meaning. And (I think) that "It’s good, innit?" should have a comma, I may be wrong! Tell me, everyone!

apologize pings me as American spelling (darned Microsoft spell-checkers). Brit/Commonwealth is apologise.

“I love you, Bodie and I won’t apologize for that." should have a comma after Bodie's name to separate "Bodie" and "I" (or confusion will reign).

[byslantedlight.livejournal.com]

“Ah, the duck that didn’t... duck”
I'm not actually convinced that Bodie would add the second "duck" as part of his joke - I can hear him saying "Ah, the duck that didn't..." Adding the second "duck" is a bit like explaining what the joke is, and I think the lads often tend to leave that sort of thing as implicit...

(Also, yes, space needed!) Three dots (an ellipsis) follow immediately on from the letter of the final word (ie, "didn't") but they're a punctuation mark in their own right, and if it was a comma or full-stop then there'd be a space before the next word, right?

And I totally got myself into a Beta Central wondering there - how much do we need to explain what we're suggesting, particularly when it comes to grammar etc rules? On the one hand it'd be good to presume that we all know the various rules and/or conventions, on the other hand they're not all straightforward, there are bound to be disagreements anyway - which is fine, things often can be done more than one way, and it's just a case of choosing what's appropriate for you - and I know there are things that I'd never come across until I began using them regularly in writing, so it was good to find out the actual whys and wherefores of them... What d'you all reckon?

[gilda-elise.livejournal.com]

Speaking of commas, shouldn't there be one before the "too" as in "know that, too." and "It's more than the sex for me, too."? It's something I'm never 100% sure.

[byslantedlight.livejournal.com]

Typos and Style issues

3rd paragraph from bottom of first section, where Bodie says "You never..." - it depends what the rest of his sentence was going to be, but in the context the only thing I can think it might be is something along the lines of "You don't owe me anything", and "You never..." doesn't quite send me thinking in that direction. It actually distracts me a bit, cos I end up wondering what he might have been trying to say, instead of reading on to find out what happens next. In Brit English, people do say "You never..." as a sentence on its own - sort of short for "You never did that!", but not really in the context you've used here. "You don't..." might be more appropriate wording? (But then you might have been going for something else entirely anyway?)

Same section, next paragraph: ‘m just returnin’ the favour - I struggled to read your first abbreviation - 'm just..., and particularly to hear it in my head. We all hear things differently, but I don't think the lads actually drop that particular sound when they're speaking - it might come out a little slurred, but the I'm is always there, for me... It's also easier to actually say/read with the consonants that follow - it's quite difficult to enunciate two consonants in a row when you start off speaking - "m" followed by "j..." in this case. Whereas with "I'm..." you get a gasp of air to start off with, and so you've got something to power you along... *g* I'm sure there must by much better, more technical ways of saying that! *g*

The reporter, who had tipped them off and then had got in the way, had paid the ultimate price for his curiosity.
Too many "hads" in this sentence - you don't need the one in the middle!

"hmmn?" - final set of dialogue, 3rd paragraph - should be capitalised, "Hmmn?"

And I'm being interrupted by the other kind of work, the less enjoyable kind - I'll pop back later! *g*

[sc-fossil.livejournal.com]

All the hads could be avoided by switching the sequence and not having a "flashback". It doesn't impede the story flow to make it "real time" instead of a flashback. That's more personal preference on my part since this is a shorter story and a flashback isn't really necessary to explain things.

[sc-fossil.livejournal.com]

realized s/b realised... second to last line.

[merentha13.livejournal.com]

damn americanisms! *g*

[merentha13.livejournal.com]

Wish I didn't have to go to work today, but I do. I'll be back later!

[heliophile-oxon.livejournal.com]

I'd like to suggest that the op scene-setting section (from "It should have been a simple clean-up operation." to "auto-pilot") would benefit from more variety of sentence length; it feels to me as if there are too many similar units (i.e. all short, simple sentences with no subordinate clauses) in a row here. I find it risks pushing me "out" of the story because it makes me too conscious that there's a job of exposition being done. Maybe add a hint of a personal detail somewhere in there, so that Mallard feels more like a person and not just a peg on which to hang a plot (and Bodie's joke, which I like).

[roven75.livejournal.com]

I agree with Helio; it sometimes feels like that in a lot of shorter stories which focus on the lads' relationship: there is a framing plot which is kept to a minimum and which often seems hollow or constructed to me as a reader. I tend to read through it very quickly.

In this case, the flashback threw me a bit out of the story as well, because I just wanted to get on with the lads and having the plot pop up again in the middle, taking me to the beginning of the op, was a bit like a roadblock.

Not that I mind stories with a good plot, but I guess in a short story that's really difficult to do.

I liked the duck joke, too :)

[sc-fossil.livejournal.com]

This is more of a general comment and is personal preference. The line: Ray knelt down next to his partner. His stomach clenched in fear. The blue eyes were open.

To me, it says "the blue eyes" which I find impersonal, are a separate entity from Bodie's head. LOL! Honestly, we know his eyes are blue. Ray wouldn't look at Bodie and think, "his blue eyes are open!", so for me, it's out of POV plus eyeballs are attached. Bodie's eyes. :) I'd suggest a rewording of the sentence but that's just me! I see body parts being separated all the time, including in the biggest novelists in the world. Is Bodie's stomach clenched? I'm taking it's Doyle's. His stomach clenched in fear, Ray knelt down next to his partner. Bodie's eyes were open.

I'm probably being much too precise and I shouldn't play with M's words, plus I must go and get my teeth cleaned...

Merentha, thanks for being such a good sport about me mucking about in your words. :) I shall put them back now that I've played with them.

[merentha13.livejournal.com]

No problem! I like all the thoughts and suggestions. But Bodie's eyes are just too pretty and I couldn't edit them out! *g*

[anna060957.livejournal.com]

Hey, you guys, you’ve totally left me behind!!! I wouldn’t dare open up the computer *before* going to work – I’d never get there! I’m clearly way out of my league as far as grammar is concerned, too. I seem to only know the very basics of dialogue ....?

OK, so here’s my take on the first story in my style of beta-ing.

Hi Merentha13
This is lush – I love the way you have captured the boys’ relationship, the caring and companionship between them and the worry that they experience, even if they don’t want to show it. I think you have shown their reliance on each other well within the bounds of canon. The relationship problem and its solution reads well to me and I can imagine them saying the words and behaving in that manly, slightly butch way trying to avoid the “L” word.

I wonder if the first few exchanges sound just a little too bright for Bodie bearing in mind he’s been in a coma for two days? Although I have no trouble following the speakers, I wonder if a description would help slow the pace, say, tiredly, wearily, with a sigh.

Go away, Ray.”
“Not likely.”
“Don’t need you here.”
“I know that.”
“Don’t want you here either.”
“Know that too.”
“So what are you doin’ here then?”


The Mallard joke – yes loved it, but have to confess I didn’t make the connection at first reading despite being a country girl (I was at work in my lunch break – so hungry and in a hurry!). I wonder if the reporter’s first name could be added to give him more personality and gravitas (taking into account other comments about the sketchiness of the plot). It could also emphasis the Mallard reference.

I have no problem about the flash back element. I like the story starting off with a bang, so to speak, and understood where in time each of the elements of the story sat.

As a reader only, I have absolutely no idea about the vagaries of LJ and posting and will leave that discussion to the professionals!

Americanisms – I confess I did suggest to one author that if she wanted to write “z”, simply assume it will be “s”!! Apologise also needs, also, to be changed.

Thank you for allowing your story to be the first and for the happy ending! I have enjoyed this first stab at Reports from Central!

[merentha13.livejournal.com]

Thank you for the kind words! I'm glad you liked the story. Looking back at it, I think you're right about the initial conversation. A few descriptions around Bodie's words (and Ray's) would be beneficial. This is one of my earlier attempts at a story and re-reading now, the plot is more than a bit thin. I wasn't really trying to write an action piece, I was going for relationship and emotion. The idea of a real plot was daunting (*g*), so I put in what I thought was just enough to explain how the lads arrived in hospital. I guessed wrong! If I were to re-write it, the reporter would get a better treatment and I might not use the flashback - although I do like to write them! Thanks again, and I too enjoyed this first round!

[byslantedlight.livejournal.com]

Typo...

Has anyone mentioned hoping to be allowed along the on bust - "the" and "on" need to be swapped around!

[moonlightmead.livejournal.com]

Yeah, I saw that one and was surprised it wasn't mentioned - until you did :)

[moth2fic.livejournal.com]

I'm late!! So sorry! Car problems and babysitting problems... One point per comment.(Makes sense.) OK - here we go.

Blue eyes. In my (minority) opinion the problem arises because you've used the same technique twice, and it would be better to alter the first one than the second. I'm saying this because when you say, 'The blue eyes opened and took in their surroundings' the reader (this one, anyway) is really thrown. Eyes are usually surrounded by eye sockets, lashes, face, etc. and to personalise them like this is startling. Not wrong - just startling. The way you have written it detaches the eyes from the person to some extent. But you don't need to lose the blue eyes (we can't have enough of Bodie's blue eyes!). Try for a different structure - something like: He watched as Bodie took in his surroundings, blue eyes opening wide. Then later when we meet the blue eyes again their appearance echoes but does not repeat the first incident.

One down, three to go. Oh, and I agree with most of the other comments.

[merentha13.livejournal.com]

Interesting! I didn't think that the sentence blue eyes opened and took in their surroundings' would be read as other than Bodie had awakened and was looking around to assess where he was. Bodie's eyes are part of Bodie, so I didn't think that it might be interpreted differently. But now that its been pointed out, I can see where it might be, well, weird! I like your suggestion to fix this.

[moth2fic.livejournal.com]

Flashbacks. I'm not personally fond of flashbacks - they are very much part of the telling rather than showing style of writing, because they distance the reader from the current action. But if you like them, you're entitled to them. However, I think it's a mistake to segue from one flashback into another. You move from the 'lover's quarrel' straight to the reporter. I think that highlights and emphasises the presence of flashbacks in the story; you could perhaps put a little bit of hospital banter or blue eyes or medical procedures in between to keep the reader grounded.

[merentha13.livejournal.com]

Re-reading, and taking in everyone's comments, I agree. Too many flashbacks and the placement of them is wrong. This is a habit I'm going to have to work on!

[moth2fic.livejournal.com]

It's a tiny point, but, gun runners... What did they arrive a bit early for? Were they just earlier than the buyers? Were they earlier than CI5 expected? Earlier than the buyers expected? I think you need to clarify the sentence.

[merentha13.livejournal.com]

I meant that they arrived earlier than the time that Mallard had given Cowley, so earlier than CI5 expected. More detail is needed.

[moth2fic.livejournal.com]

And finally...minor punctuation points. If you're using flashbacks you can either have extra line breaks or askterisks but be consistent. You need asterisks between 'price for his curiosity' and 'The ruffling of pages' and then again between 'ruined it by pushing...' and 'It's not enough'. You'd probably have picked that up yourself on a final prooof-read. And has anyone mentioned the need for a comma between 'Have to' and 'don't I?' in the last line? Nit-picking but it would improve the way the words flow.

Thanks ever so much for letting us loose on your story! I hope we've shown you that any concerns are really minor!! Keep writing!

[merentha13.livejournal.com]

Yeah, the grammar and punctuation errors are major embarrassments for me. I've ordered a copy of "Grammar and Punctuation for Dummies"! I'm going to chalk it up to being in a hurry and not really proofing this very well. It is an early story that I hadn't gone back to - I think (hope!) my later fic is much better in this regard. (That's my story and I'm sticking to it! *g*)

I really appreciate everyone's thoughts and advice. It's all good and will help improve my writing. I just hope this one hasn't put people off and they'll give some of my other stories a shot! And I do intend to keep writing!

Thanks for all your thoughts!

[margaret-r.livejournal.com]

Everyone has beat me to it and I don’t think there is a lot else to add to the already extensive comments:) I do think some rearrangement of the paragraphs – perhaps starting the story with the gunrunner operation then leading into Doyle’s hospital vigil would work better than having the two flashbacks together. Doyle’s flashback to their argument would then fit much better into the story and compliment the flow into Bodie’s second waking from a nightmare. A not terribly important detail but it might also be good to flesh out that second nightmare wakening a little e.g. “The same nightmare woke Bodie again”, something like that.

I like the dialogue between them, especially the short, snappy exchanges but I think some of it needs to be bracketed with some descriptive narrative, but then I’m not fond of long stretches of dialogue only so that’s more of a personal observation. It would be better to have at least a half line space between the dialogue though, makes it much easier to read.

Love the Mallard joke and really think you need to take the second ‘duck’ out - “Ah, the duck that didn’t...” is perfect:D

I would like to see what you do with the fic, the changes you make so am hoping you will post it with your revisions. Thank you for being the first to try this and for opening your work up to everyone’s comments:)

[merentha13.livejournal.com]

Thanks for joining in! Everyone's comments are more than welcome. This has all been very helpful for me. I have re-arranged the paragraphs. I've started with the argument in the kitchen and then move to the gunrunners. But I like your idea - of leaving the argument as a flashback (because I do like them). My initial attempt was to keep the story as dialog. That's why there were very few bits of descriptive narrative. That was intentional. But it doesn't seem to have gone over very well with readers - and I can see the need for fleshing things out.

The original story did leave the second "duck" out. I'm kicking myself for putting it in! Always go with your first instinct!

Thanks again for your thoughts!

[sc-fossil.livejournal.com]

I watched Sherlock last night. First scene: a flashback. Watched another show. Flashback. LOL! It's obviously a very well loved and much used form of entertainment! My last suggestion for myself and anybody using them is to make it very clear and simple to follow, no matter if it's in the beginning, middle or end.

[moonlightmead.livejournal.com]

Apologies for late response. Been away and then my computer crashed and ate my comment file. *fury*.

I agree with a number of other comments - but not all. First, I am quite happy with the flashbacks (see comment above). What I am going to pick up on first (we'll see how far I get before the computer dies again) is the use of the word "love". And "afraid."

I suspect I'm very much in a minority here, but I have real trouble with them using this word in a straightforward way - and, more broadly, with them articulating or explaining their emotions (as in, explaining what was going on in their mind when they said something) to each other at all. I am happier when it's a long-established relationship and they use it in throwaway asides ("Knew there was a reason I loved you" - whether it is prompted by getting the other out of a tricky admin meeting or one having a blinding flash of insight into a case, something like that). And I expect I would be okay with it in some historical AUs. But falling for each other and using the word as a shorthand for what I imagine as a fairly complicated relationship, fairly early on in that relationship... I do raise an eyebrow at that. I just don't see them naming it and then using the word often.

Similarly, Bodie explaining "...was too afraid to admit it to you... or myself" - there's an analysis and explanation of feelings there which gives me pause. "Didn't want to admit..." "didn't like to admit..." - those are fine. Or at least, I don't pick up on them. But admitting to fear, I think that's a big enough deal that it would be the main thing, not an explanation to something else. (It kind of stops the conversation in Mixed Doubles.) Perhaps "didn't want to admit it." - a heartbeat's pause, and then look directly at him, and "Was afraid."

I should note, this is entirely a personal thing, and (going by conversations in the Reading Room) I think I am very much in the minority on this one.

[moonlightmead.livejournal.com]

Also, I am aware that it's the point of the story, yes :)

[moonlightmead.livejournal.com]

Dialogue: I saw other people say the lower-case "hmm" and so on didn't gel, and I agree there. But I'm wondering about formality. Lots of the dialogue is short and terse and as I imagine them. But "sat vigil for me", which is beautiful and evocative - I can envisage Doyle in a thinky mood, thinking "vigil, sitting vigil, that's what they used to call it" - but would he say it to a Bodie who's just come round? "You sat here for me", perhaps?

And Bodie's "nothing need change" is quite formal and at odds with "head hurts". "Nothing needs to change"?

"Innit". Innit is definitely British slang, but the more I watch the episodes, the more I wonder whether they say it.

Just some ponderings. Ignore as required :)

[merentha13.livejournal.com]

I find word choice an interesting thing. Slantedlight is, in my opinion, one of the best at it. She can "paint" the story with the words she chooses, and I'm often very jealous of her ability to do that. I try to find words that fit the story, and hopefully the lads, that have a bit more meaning, i.e. vigil, instead of sit. Sometimes I get carried away. :-) I've become very attached to my thesaurus! But this is a personal choice thing, and I like hearing about how other people might have written this. Thanks!

[moonlightmead.livejournal.com]

"ruffling of pages". I may be quite wrong, but I tend to think that you ruffle hair (or 'muss' it, in American English?), and riffle pages?

[merentha13.livejournal.com]

riffle... I like it!

[moonlightmead.livejournal.com]

Can you 'resonate' with defeat? I tend to think of defeat as an empty word, and resonate as a word that fills a space. Resonating with hope, certainty, anger, yes. But defeat or despair? Not so sure.

On the other hand, I really like resonating with sadness towards the end: it suggests that it's echoing as loudly as the words would.

[byslantedlight.livejournal.com]

I rather like "resonated with defeat" myself, and I don't see any reason why it couldn't be used, especially if "resonating with sadness" is considered okay! From an online dictionary (though I'd rather have a paper one beside me!):
res·o·nate... Verb: Produce or be filled with a deep, full, reverberating sound.
Evoke or suggest images, memories, and emotions.

Mind you, I don't think of defeat as an empty word either - I think it's full of all kinds of emotions - few of them good, granted! But despair, betrayal, guilt, inferiority... all heavy, dull emotions, that would have a very deep, full sound! Oh, think of mourning bells, for instance...

[moonlightmead.livejournal.com]

It's a really common verb in Pros fic, but "snigger" always reminds me of naughty schoolboys. Billy Bunter - or perhaps even Beavis and Butthead and their "hur hur hur"s. I'm not sure how apt it is when they're laughing about the name of someone who's just died, especially when it could have been Bodie who died. Unfortunately, I can't think of a better verb. "Shared a grin" is the best I can do. But I really liked the mallard/duck thing (especially without the second duck), so don't take it all out!

Right, that's enough from me now. I seem to be picking on individual words rather than the overall shape of things. I liked the overall shape, though - and echo the plaudits on volunteering for this!

[merentha13.livejournal.com]

snigger is a favorite of mine... and laughing at someone who has died - well that qualifies as "naughty school boys" to me! *g*

Only one duck will survive the re-write (sniggering myself now!)

[maddalia.livejournal.com]

I'm not going to say anything majorly complicated because I've been guilty of bad memory & have forgotten to come & look here until today. Just wanted to say I liked this overall; I thought it was sweet, and if I had a main problem with it it was the flashbacks. But I think slantedlight's suggestions above were great & probably what I would've said if I'd got here in time *g* Except, I liked how the story opened, and flashbacks aren't always a bad thing, it's just that the way they're ordered here is a bit confusing. But you know this already; you've probably fixed it by now, so I'll shut up.

I loved the way you used 'hope died', and the way Bodie cut Doyle off in the middle of his first 'I love you.' That was nicely done.

[merentha13.livejournal.com]

Never too late to jump in! Slantedlight's re-ordering post was really helpful. It's a good tool - to put events in order - and I think it will help improve a couple of works-in-progress. Thanks for your thoughts and the kind words!

[firlefanzine.livejournal.com]

Hi! I'm late.
I like this flashback version a lot - and I'm really curious how your two others will work for me.
For me flashbacks are are good method to make a story more direct - more exciting! You can throw people right into a thrilling moment and deliver any explanations later... ;-)

Let's see!

[merentha13.livejournal.com]

No such thing as late! Glad to see you here!