ci5hq | The Reading Room - Scenes from the Edge by Kate MacLean

jgraeme2007.livejournal.com posting in

Scenes from the Edge - Kate MacLean
Orignally published in Unprofessional Conduct 5 through Gryphon Press

He'd always known, hadn't he, what the danger was for him. Known instinctively deep down, that if he ever really let himself fall -- really love someone completely -- he would lose it all. His independence, his dignity, his apartness, his sense of self-preservation. If he ever really let himself love, he wouldn't be able to hold anything back; he'd just ... give himself away. He'd known that.

When I joined Pros Lit way back when and asked for reading recs, one name that frequently cropped up -- and seemed to stir passions -- was that of Kate MacLean. Naturally I was curious and headed over to the CA where I found…Telling Marge. It was a well-written little story but I didn’t see what the fuss was about. Why was Katie MacLean hated and feared in some quarters -- and adored in others?

I read Justacat’s legendary essay on MacLean’s work and it made me eager to read more. Unfortunately the body of her work -- relatively small in Pros -- was in zines at the time. I managed to get my hands on a copy of Yellow Brick Road and I loved it. The writing was crisp, clean -- the emotional tension riveting. I was hooked. For those of you who deplore MacLean’s “nasty” Doyle, give YBR a try. I think you might be surprised.

At some point I purchased a copy of Redemption -- and it remains one of my all time favorite fics -- but I also love the series of novellas she did for Gryphon Press: Building on Rainbows, Choosing, Scenes from the Edge, and All or Nothing. These are not comfort reads. To put it lightly. But I find them sexy, romantic, moving -- and believable (within the construct of Pros). In fact, I believe I’ll borrow from Justacat here -- I don’t think I could put this any better.

KM does as good a job as any author I've ever read at evoking these difficult feelings. She takes these tough, tough guys, who are, or have been, confident in their invulnerability, their imperviousness to the softer emotions - guys who are used to deflecting impassioned "I love you"s from their women, used to moving on, used to avoiding commitment, used to breaking hearts - and shows us what happens when they come face to face with their achilles heel, their single massive (and unexpected, and unwanted) vulnerability, the one person who, for whatever reason - fate? destiny? karma? who knows... - has the power to crack them open, bring them to their knees, break through their previously unshakable self-possession. And it hurts, oh how it hurts - them, of course, but also us.

Although endings are not MacLean’s strong point, I find resolution and hope -- and even a measure of satisfaction in them all.

MacLean herself has said that these novellas are basically the same story over and over again -- forgetting perhaps that revisiting themes and motifs is common in the work of writers great and small alike. And, in my opinion, her themes -- internalized homophobia, the power dynamics of sex, the responsibility and obligations of love, the romance of violence -- are universal and worth re-exploring. I never get tired of reading her stories. In fact, a new Kate MacLean story is on my Christmas list (are you listening Santa?).

Scenes from the Edge is probably my favorite of the novellas -- although it’s hard to choose.
In the prologue Doyle, burned and bitter after being dumped by Ann Holly, has resolved that from now on everyone else is going to the running. He’s never going to be this vulnerable again. He’s never going to allow himself to go over the “edge” again. When the story next picks up, Bodie is brooding over the inequity of his relationship with Doyle.

He was totally unused to this, his appointed role in this relationship. Never thought to be the one out of emotional control, the dependent, the beggar for crumbs. Faithful old dog, Bodie. Oh yeah… that was him all right. Totally fucking pathetic, and he just couldn't seem to stop, grab control of his life again.

Bodie and Doyle have been lovers since May Li shot Doyle. They altered their partnership against Bodie’s better instinct, but once he let go and fell…he fell hard. His feelings for Ray, or perhaps the instinct that he’s fighting a losing battle, have made him jealous, insecure, dependent, obsessive…he hates who he’s become. Worse, he can sense that Doyle despises him too -- and that Doyle is probably going to leave him.

And this is pretty much Doyle’s mindset. Doyle does not consider himself gay and he has no intention of “marrying” Bodie. He tells himself what they have is just sex…although he acknowledges that he probably feels more for Bodie than anyone on the planet, and that sex with Bodie is better than with anyone else. He finds himself missing Bodie when Bodie’s away on an op which makes him all the more impatient and frustrated and determined to prove his independence to himself. He winds up having a one night stand with a handsome artist’s model. The sex is great but…there’s just something missing.

When he arrives home, Bodie has returned early and Doyle is panicked that Bodie not discover he’s strayed. He’s uneasily aware that there are some things Bodie might not forgive. But Bodie trusts him and things go back to normal. Actually, things are better than normal. Doyle is calmer and contented now that he’s proved to himself he’s still a free agent. And Bodie -- having made a resolution of his own -- has pulled back a bit, which ironically seems to draw Doyle forward. It seems as though they might have at last found their perfect balance.

There’s just one shiny little thing Doyle forgot…