The Reading Room - "Never Let Me Down"

[kiwisue.livejournal.com]

The story for this week is "Never Let Me Down" by Shoshanna (the_shoshanna on lj).

First published as a 'zine novel by Manacles Press (1992).
This story can be found:
At the Circuit Archive
At the author's website

Information - as some of it might be spoilery, I've hidden this - highlight the block text to reveal:

Pairing: Bodie/Doyle

Warnings: graphic Bodie/Other Male, implied Doyle/Other Male.

Author's summary: "I'm taking a ride with my best friend. I hope he never lets me down again."



A skilfully written, beautifully paced novel that draws the reader in early and keeps their attention until the last paragraph. The setting is pure CI5 - the characters feel real, the friendship finely detailed. When things become complicated, when Bodie finds out that Doyle is bi and can't deal with it, when the knowledge brings his "internalised homophobia" (author's description quoted on Pros Lib) to the surface, it's the thread of friendship that keeps them talking and prevents them breaking apart completely.

"Do you still want me?" Bodie caught his breath, waiting.

Slowly Doyle shifted, pulling his legs up and hugging one knee to his chest. He dropped his chin onto his kneecap, and closed his eyes.

"I was afraid you'd ask that." He breathed once, deeply, in and out.

He had already answered Bodie's question. "Doyle--"

"Bodie, I said I wouldn't lie to you. Not even to make it easier on you, or me. Yes." He raised his head and met his partner's eyes. "Yes, I still want you."

Bodie licked his lips. "Why?"

"Why?" Doyle laughed a little, and turned to stare out across the room, away from him. "Christ, I don't know. Because you're my best friend, and I like being with you? Because you've got a great body, and an arse that could drive me crazy?" Bodie flinched, but Doyle didn't pause. "Because you're the best partner I've ever had, and I lie awake at night thinking about you? Christ, Bodie. Why does anyone want anyone?"

Tension was shivering through Bodie's neck and arms. "Are you saying you're in love with me?"

"No. You don't want any part of it, I know that. I'm not in love with you. But I could be." He turned back to Bodie. "I'm sorry."

"For what?"

"Not for feeling this way. For--" He hesitated, then shrugged resignedly, his mouth twisting. "For telling you, maybe."

Slowly, with several false starts and stops, their relationship becomes intimate. There's no magic sex, no zipless fucking, in the beginning - - it's awkward and tentative and at times not all that pleasurable. And Bodie is still struggling to work out what it means.

Bodie wasn't sure he understood how a man could be in love with another man. It didn't fit with anything he'd ever thought of. Doyle and he were fine together; they were friends, partners--lovers, too, he supposed. But what he felt for Doyle was completely different from what he'd felt for a few women here and there, the passion for Marikka and the aching tenderness he'd had for Azande. He'd thought, once, he'd like to marry her; she'd been pregnant when Krivas killed her, and he'd had crazy dreams of taking her and the kid away, finding somewhere safe.

Doyle didn't seem to fit in there at all. But he seemed to think that he could. Bodie remembered the two queers staring into each others' eyes, that afternoon in the pub. A few women had looked at him like that, though usually only very early on in the relationship. He couldn't imagine Doyle looking at him like that, and didn't want to try.

and

Not talking about it--that there didn't seem to be anything to talk about, despite what they'd done--made Bodie itchy. Restless and irritated, one night after a long and frustrating day, he tried again to ask Doyle about the men he'd been with before. But only Doyle brushed the question aside, and Bodie, nettled, repeated it.

"What's the big deal, Doyle? I know all about your girlfriends. All I'm asking is where you meet the boyfriends..." He knew as the word left his mouth that it was the wrong one.

Doyle scowled at him. "And I'm telling you it's none of your business," he snapped. "I don't feel like layin' my personal life out on a slab for you to pick over. Understand?"

They came close to an argument before Bodie backed off, angry and baffled. He wasn't even sure why he was asking, except that Doyle wouldn't tell him, and it left him with a nagging uncertainty. He tried again a few weeks later, picking his time better, and was met with weary brusqueness. How did Doyle meet them? Around. What kind of blokes? Just regular blokes, Bodie. Did you think I went for drag queens or something? Stung, Bodie withdrew, left again with his solitary uneasiness.

Then Doyle injures his ankle, just before he and Bodie were due to go north on a lengthy (and ultimately frustrating) job. Murph goes with Bodie instead, then comes down with a cold leaving Bodie at a loose end...

He took the scrap out of his pocket and flattened it on his leg, considering. He was curious, that was all. Wanted to know what these places were like, what Doyle saw in them. Who Doyle saw in them. Besides, what could it hurt? The worst that could happen would be some ponce making a pass at him, and Bodie was in no doubt of his ability to fend off any queer who might try it on.

What happens then sets the scene for the final crisis and resolution - and all I'm going to say about that is that it's immensely satisfying.